|
Very
senior officials of the American, French, British, and German governments
recently held fruitful discussions with their Nigerian counterparts in Accra,
Ghana. The purpose of the meeting was to amicably resolve disputes that have
developed over exclusive rights to treat the minor ailments of Nigerian rulers
and ‘top government functionaries’. The summit was initially billed to take
place in Abuja but Nigeria’s representatives argued very vociferously that the
timing clashed with their periodic official retreat in Accra, a city that has
become their preferred location for carrying out the onerous task of governing
the Nigerian people because it offers them a secure environment and stable
power supply to do their work.
Convened by Nigeria’s Federal Ministry of
Health and the Health Committees in the Senate and the House of Representatives
respectively, the meeting was attended by high-ranking officials from Aso Rock
and top “chieftains” of the ruling Peoples Democratic Party. At issue was the
need to map, territorialize, and establish treatment rights over the minor
physical ailments of Nigerian rulers and senior government officials. This
comes in recognition of the fact the minor ailments of Nigeria’s leaders have
become the second most valuable commodity to the four Western countries after
Nigeria’s oil. It will be recalled that France enjoyed a virtual monopoly over
the treatment of Nigerian leaders in the 1980s after the tyrant, Ibrahim
Babangida, went to Paris to treat radiculopathy. With France thus anointed by
the dictator, Nigerian government officials, who until then were in the habit
of treating their headaches and toothaches in London and New York, had to
display their patriotism and loyalty to Babangida and Nigeria by shifting their
medical safaris to France. This, obviously, did not go down well with the
British and the Americans whose economies were severely affected. Thus
commenced a prolonged underground ‘war’ between these countries.
President Obasanjo prevented the situation
from boiling over irredeemably when he assumed office in 1999. He achieved some
sort of détente during his first term in office. Since he spent the entire four
years ruling Nigeria from the skies, visiting every country that had an airport
and, in some cases, offering to build airports for countries that had none in
order to be able to visit them, there was no need for him to seek medical
treatment in any of the feuding countries. An agreement was reached that
allowed each of the Western countries in contention to station a permanent team
of medical officials in the Nigerian presidential jet. This fragile peace was
however shattered during Obasanjo’s second term in office. A state governor,
Diepreye Alamieyesiegha, needed to reduce the number one consequence of the
incurable bacchanalia associated with government officials in Nigeria: the pot
belly. Alamsco, as he is popularly called, headed to Germany for a tummy tuck.
Hardly had the French Ambassador to Nigeria finished protesting this serious
breach of the terms of the détente when Obasanjo’s Vice President, Atiku
Abubakar, had a minor knee dislocation while working out on the treadmill and
rushed to London and Washington for treatment.
Unfortunately, Obasanjo was involved in a
battle to determine who was less corrupt between him and Abubakar and was also
stockpiling arms and ammunition in preparation for the do or die elections that
would see the PDP capture Aso Rock for his anointed successor. He was therefore
not in a situation to properly address the grievances of the French government
over the disturbing actions of Alamsco and Atiku Abubakar. Enter President
Yar’Adua, the chief culprit in the situation that led to the Accra meeting!
Without any consideration for the feelings of the Americans, the British, and
the French, President Yar’Adua has been strolling to Germany every other week
for medical treatment. His megaphone, Segun Adeniyi, who once announced
gleefully that he was trained by the Americans to communicate effectively with
Nigerians, has been very busy rationalizing these trips to Germany. Nigerians,
cynical as ever, have been overheard saying that a branch of Aso Rock may soon
open in Wiesbaden, Germany. President Yar’Adua has treated everything from
cough to eczema, toothache to backache, and hand ache to leg ache in Germany.
The Americans, the British, and the French are especially infuriated by the
fact that the Nigerian government has so far offered no rational explanation as
to why the extremely lucrative market in the treatment of presidential ailments
should become the monopoly of the Germans. They fear that every Nigerian
minister and state governor may now have to display loyalty to the President by
shopping for doctors and hospitals in Germany.
Fortunately, the Accra meeting scored some
positive points after protracted negotiations. An amicable agreement was
reached. The anatomy of the Nigerian government official was mapped and
territorially apportioned to each country present. It was decided that the head
would go to the Germans. All ailments associated with the head of any Nigerian
government official or any Big Man with connections in the corridors of power
are henceforth to be treated exclusively in Germany. This includes popular
ailments like headache, toothache, ear infection, sore throat, runny nose, and
eye problems. The French got the torso, much to the displeasure of the Spanish
delegation that was there only in an observer capacity. Henceforth, all
ailments relating to the torso – chest pain, bellyache, and backache – are to
be treated in France. The British got the hands and the legs and were careful
to insist that this is not limited to serious injuries like fractures and
dislocations. It also includes routine manicure and pedicure. The Americans
agreed to give up all claims to any part of the anatomy of Nigerian government
officials in exchange for exclusive rights over all cosmetic surgery needs of
their wives. Henceforth, the wives of Nigerian government officials must go to
California for their tummy tucks, face lift, liposuction, breast
enlargement/reduction/lifting, nose jobs, skin toning and/or bleaching, etc.
A memorandum of understanding was presented
and signed by all participants. The Nigerian delegation promised to deliver it
expeditiously to the Senate where it will be transformed into a binding treaty
and sent to President Yar’Adua for ratification. At the end of all
deliberations, the head of the German delegation gave a moving closing speech.
History, he affirmed, has been made in Accra. He went down memory lane and
recalled that the last time a meeting was held to share African property
amicably among Western powers, it was all about land and resources. He remarked
proudly that his country had had the extraordinary privilege of convening and
hosting the said meeting in Berlin. Now, more than a hundred years later, it is
the anatomy of the rulers of Africa’s most populous nation that has been carved
out among Western powers. The move from land and raw materials to human
anatomy, he contended, is an indication of how brotherly and intimate the
partnership between Africa and the West has become. He particularly stressed
the point that Africans were not invited to the first meeting in Berlin. Now,
not only were Africans present at this new partitioning, they convened and
sponsored the meeting, in Accra, the spiritual home of African nationalism and
independence. He concluded by telling the Nigerian delegation that they had
every reason to be proud of themselves and hoped that the Nigerian people would
learn to appreciate such a crop of dedicated and visionary leaders. In his
speech, the leader of the British delegation apologized to the Germans for the
arrest of Alamsco. The Germans had always claimed that Alamsco’s arrest was an
act of sabotage by the British, pure bad belle on the part of the
British who merely wanted to “spoil market” for the Germans because Alamsco had
his tummy tuck in Germany and not in Britain.
In his vote of thanks, the head of the
Nigerian delegation thanked the Western powers for the selflessness with which
they place the excellent medical facilities in their countries at the disposal
of Nigerian leaders. What further proof of their commitment to the progress of
Nigeria could there be? For it is only when Nigerian leaders enjoy good health
that they are able to serve the people and deliver the dividends of democracy.
By continuously treating the ailments of Nigeria’s leaders, these Western
countries have shown that they are committed to moving Nigeria forward and the
Nigerian people would remain eternally grateful to them.
|
Posted by Robot| 03.05.2008 04:10