Ovation, the lifestyle magazine of the idle and contemptuously rich which specialises in titillating its readers through exposing the lid on the houses, parties and sexual shenanigans of rich Nigerians around London must probably be having less clientele these days. Obasanjo’s long reach through his EFCC has curtailed the extravagant showmanship of our opulent ex-Generals, business moguls and politicians who once turned London into a haven for uncontrolled sex orgies.

Contemptible as it was, sexual escapade, especially among our respected public figures, when abroad became pretty beastly some years ago. London was turned into a Mecca of fun for our idle rich to display their stolen wealth, profligacy, vanity, ego and their large and uncontrolled sexual appetite for orgies.

In those days, Nigerian millionaires routinely threw expensive parties as a sort of magnet to attract adventurous girls looking for fun, fame and fortune. London changed from being known as a sedate and tranquil haven for recuperating burn-out executives, military elites and politicians into a hidden Eden where multiple orgasms replaced tranquillity.

In those days, it was a common sight to see our rich Casanovas in fetching silk suits in Oxford Street, with dark glasses as they cuddled beautiful and smiling teenagers in tight fitting jeans along this busy street. London was converted into a watering hole where buffoons and brain dead looters converged to celebrate the arrival of stolen money. Their excesses used to be the talk of the town among Diaspora Nigerians who fled the country when their future seemed bleak in the hands of these amorous sex merchants. In summertime, they threw scandalously expensive parties in their opulent mansions for girls of their granddaughters’ age in well-heeled London locations.

It was common to see our business elites, politicians and Generals we revere back home being reduced to jellyfishes by starry-eyed and highly westernised teenagers in irresistible sexy bikinis and wonder bras which made breasts looked like a tower of eternal pleasure! There were so many scandals, hurtful banters and not quite amusing insults, thrown at our perverted public personalities even in their own wild parties. They took the insults stoically and laugh lazily as if it was alright to be abused by girls of their granddaughter’s equal. The logic went thus: if our ‘chiefs’, Alhajis or sugar daddies want temperate sex, thousands of miles from tropical Nigeria, they must bear the indignities of western values which pay less homage to titles and personalities. Chief Adelabu simply became Ade. General Theophilus simply became Theo from the seductive lips of immoral girls on assignment to make money. Old men became toy boys in an astonishing moral somersault.

Old and young politicians regarded London with emerald envy. Sandhurst trained Army Generals preferred to have grand houses to their names in many leafy boroughs of London. This state of play caused eternal amazement for the British people who could not understand the deep contradictions of seeing super rich Nigerians in their gleaming chauffeured limos on one hand, and thousands of Nigerians on slave wages as cleaners in the City’s tower blocks. Even, my Zimbabwean friend, Nyasha Nyadzayo agonised over this wounding injustice. Not to mention the contempt of Mama B, Mabel Usiade, my friend and neighbour who once described these men as ignoble scoundrels, fit for the hottest place in hell. Aremu Owolabi, who could not hide the disgusting revulsion of watching septuagenarians prey on innocent girls, prayed for their castration.

Over here, what you will discover is that many public figures changed into lousy Lotharios anytime they turned up in European capitals on the tired cliché of business trips. It was considered normal for our rich men and public figures to enjoy temperate, but illicit sex, as long as madam, who was roasting away under the tropical Abuja sun, was unaware.

Teenagers who had spent their money on both summer and winter sales in London’s shopping corridors doted on these rich bounders for their own share of Nigeria’s stolen wealth. They needed cash refuelling on our petro-dollar!!! Ironically, it never bothered the impressionistic mind of our teenagers- turned- sex-slaves that they were mere pawn in the sleazy game of these honey daddies. It never occurred to them that they were just another notch on these philanderers bedpost.

In those roaring days, classified Aso Rock information was readily available if you knew the right playgirls to talk to. They would divulge anything from Nigeria’s impending military manoeuvres across the straight of Badagry to future ministerial appointments with reliable ease. These piles of information were garnered when the full beam of sex was on. To keep you roaring with laughter, they would even regale you with the various sizes of the manhood of our foolish rich men. Their conclusion was that Nigerian men were real ’babyfuckers’ and could bonk their way into the Guinness Book of Record any day. Relying on their experience, these paramours would tell you that our overrated high and mighty truly possessed the sex drive of a rabbit, the morals of Ajegunle brothel keeper and a shameless condescension when handled by young inamoratas.

Early 80’s to late 90’s, Nigeria had no sewer newspaper to expose the sexual indiscretions of our famous sons. There were no newspapers that could snoop on the sexual shame of our pampered public servants. So, with virtually no press to hound them out, their modesty took a tumble as our movers and shakers began to indulge themselves in sexual experiments that were common to the perverted continent of Europe. Threesome gained popularity while S&M was for the truly lost! Brunettes and blondes vied for a slice of our petro-dollar, obscenely displayed by vulgar, uncouth, sex-mad ‘loaded’ Nigerian idiots, looking for a taste of both the erotic and the exotic.

Luckily, there were no paparazzi with their traditional long lenses to expose the ugly naked body of our sugar daddies as they lay on warm futon sucking bosomy chest. Their hidden shame was shielded from official censor. Some of these officials have gone on to occupy plusher jobs in Nigeria. Meanwhile, in Britain, any official of her Majesty caught in allegations of sexual escapades, would have to face immediate career ruin and public shame. In Nigeria, sexual indiscretion on the part of any serving officials is not a crime. Rather our society will garland the chunky neck of such official with more national honours and higher assignments. This is a sad commentary on our collective moral values as a race and as a nation.

By this behaviour we feed the stereotype of the cynical westerners who still view us as sexually incontinent. The chiefs who routinely travel to London to have sexual escapades with scrawny teenagers to prove his regenerated virility shame us all. Is this the kind of image we want wealthy Nigerians to be associated with? Is it right to throw tons of almighty sterling between the opened legs of immoral and dirty mistresses regardless of the envy of other Nigerians who would not sell their body so cheaply?

Thankfully, that is no more. Gone were the days of this open sore of our vanity. Powerful and wealthy Nigerians who see themselves as gallant conquerors of those days are now too old to walk that craggy, dusty road again. Whatever hell we may raise against Obasanjo, his EFCC is a potent deterrent that is still keeping our public officials and Army Generals in check. You could not just hop on a plane like the bad old days and go crazy the next day in Bishop’s Avenue to celebrate the arrival of another stolen lucre! Even, old mistresses are now married!  And some of them who are still ‘singletons’ are now wrinkled and out of circulation anyway.

Who gains from it all? Materially, mistresses smile to the bank thanking the universe for its abundance. In addition, there is a new BMW in the drive of a spacious house in swanky Borehamwood. She also owns a house in Lekki, treasure-chest of 24-carat gold, expensive perfumes, bags, watches, shoes and designer clothes. The subtext is clear: to every foolish and sexually greedy man, there is a mercilessly ambitious mistress who will take him to the cleaners.

How do we then confront the existential question of what impression do we leave on the British imagination by this hideous obscenities? When would our public figures ask themselves whether being philanderers is the brand to convey among the British public? Have we forgotten so soon that General Sanni Abacha died while luxuriating illicitly in the hands of smuggled angels of death from India? Must other public officials, chiefs, Alhajis, politicians and Army Generals follow his fatal example and die so ignominiously?

Tijani lives in London.

Robot  Villager

# 1 Ovation, the lifestyle magazine of the idle and contemptuously rich which specialises in titilla...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 10.05.2008 22:49

mushu  Villager

# 2 You have actually hit the nail on the head. Posted by mushu| 11.05.2008 06:06

Rastafida  Villager

# 3 Sex is a potent weapon and whoever wields it, man or woman, is a force to be reckoned with. EFCC or no EFCC, solo vacations and infidelity are inseparable twins in the conscience of Solomon and Salome. And the highest paid person in the world is not the CEO of a sprawling telecom firm, or a retired general, but the super model whose clientele includes the highest paid chief executive officer and the most corrupt politician. Throw in the multiple orgasms she experiences, then, it becomes obvious why SEX rules the world. Posted by Rastafida| 11.05.2008 06:38

aguabata  Villager

# 4 Your article is brilliant and reads like the story of a man sexually repressed. Maybe the generation has gone away, but the few years i saw in london I and indeed my numerous nigerian friends never noticed these sexual escapades, I would want to believe it's not an everyday thing so i guess the british public didnt notice and by the way it will not change how they see us. Posted by aguabata| 11.05.2008 10:28

Olamide  Villager

# 5 Well, this is the best article I have read from you so far and better by a thousand miles than those philosophical works that gets people annnoyed at you. Our politicians will never change or be shocked until they are staring down the barrels of AK-47s at the bar-beach or standing against a wall. Paparazzi can never discourage them and they have not stopped but have become more discreet because of EFCC. Instead of gallivanting around Oxford street, theynow go to Dubai where delectable Ethiopian, Malaysian and Indian beauties entertain them and take care of every whim and imagination. London is soooo old school. Dubai is where to catch our Generals and politicians making a fool of themselves. Please go to the Mall of the Emirates on any good day and you can recognize some of them shopping like it is going out of fashion. As I said above, the fear of Paparazzi never deters them. There is this joke about a Nigerian politician who was photographed in a 'compromising' posture with a prostitute in Abuja.:evil::evil::evil::evil: The Photographer, thinking he could make his millions approached the politician and showed him the picture and demanded for 20 million Naira to prevent public circulation of the incriminating picture:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:. The politician requested for a week to raise the money:wink:. The Photographer was shocked to read of the 'wedding fathia' between the politician and the prostitute on the third day!:frown::frown::frown: The politician then called the Photographer and dared him to publish pictures of him and his wife having a nice time and see what happens. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D After 6 months, the politician quietly divorced the lady and settle her for 5 million naira. That is how street-smart our politicians are. Posted by Olamide| 11.05.2008 10:36