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Once again guys, it is hair letting time. I am sorry I am
coming at you this week. I have been provoked by the scarcity of husbandtheory to take you apart with my parrot mouth. Please DO love me
still at the end of everything!
Two weeks ago, my colleague quoted the bible out of context;
he thought he knew how to put women down. He said the time of the fulfillment
of the bible prophecy that said plenty women will run to one man and beg him to
marry all of them had come. He chose the wrong time for this particular
anecdote. I was in the room and I refused to let the opportunity to return it
in kind slip by.
There is a senior colleague of ours, Austin, who has gone
past his prime and has remained unmarried till tomorrow. I asked him if the
prophecy applied to here and us, why is it that not a single woman has run to
Austin?
I told him the bible did say that about such a time but the
bible was not talking about all men. The good book as every one
knows is a stickler for quality; it was referring to quality men.
I know women naturally have to look for men to marry; I have
to look for a man to marry. The reason I have lasted so long in the search
field is because I have not found a man. I have found men quite
alright, I am looking for a man, the type only the bible can
describe as a man. For the avoidance of doubt, let me give you my
own idea of a man. The type I would beg to marry me.
1. He could be like me:
I am carefree, generous to a fault, crazy at times with a
high sense of humour, humane, kind hearted, I love the simple things. I am
possessed of a tendency to reduce life to a big bag of fun. I don’t sweat the
small stuff. I am busy, chasing money as if life depends on it. I am honest to
a fault. I am an Amazon, not one to whimper at the sound of defeat. I have
standards that can’t be compromised, I am not a talker but whatever I say makes
an impact, I am a woman of letters, I think highly of others before myself. I
am an egghead; a little god, a creator.
If I am all these, I don’t see why I should go for something
less in a man.
2. He must have his own unique, latent, potent, physical
and innate attributes:
Let him be tall, (I don’t see what I could possibly do with
a short man) sincere apologies to some people. He has to be conscious of the
fact that God made him to be strong; he must look to his strength, I don’t like
stomachs in men, but that should not be a problem, I know how to flatten
stomachs. (I am always looking beyond men’s physical appearance anyway).
He must be ready to accept me like this (not many men have
been able to do that) in fact; he must be ready to love me, from the depths of
his soul. He must need me; I must see that need in every muscle in his body. (I
have no time for people who do not genuinely need me)
As much as possible, he should give voice to his feelings
especially in matters that concern me; he must never bottle things up. He must
have a forgiving spirit; this spirit must be very active enough to accommodate
my moments of mischief.
Domesticity is a plus, it is the sum total of all that is
sexy in a man. Looking at him, doing chores around the house, just for the fun
of it, only a genuine character can do this.
3. His domestic quality must stretch beyond the kitchen
to the bedroom.
Ah ha! This is where this starts. If the man does not understand what a bedroom means,
he should not bother. The traditional place for proving his manhood is here,
where God commanded him to handle the task of procreation.
This guy I should marry must be a wizard in bed. He should
be a natural lover of sex. His creative genius should be brought to bear upon
our bed and me on it. He should be a willing and ABLE player. He must be
ready to play at all times.
I am not like many women; a job can give me an aphrodisiac,
especially a job that has been successfully executed. I remember in those days
when I used to act on stage; after I have given my rousing performance, watched
the audience screaming for more, enjoyed the standing ovation, I would
immediately feel like having sex on coming off the stage.
My would- be husband must be ready to share my lust; in fact
I would appreciate a lustier guy.
Well, for those of you who may think this is too graphic,
let me refer you to the Bible, that awesomely candid book, it says that at a
point, our patriarch, Abraham fondled his wife Sarah until people noticed. This
he did at a time when men possessed instead of desiring a
woman. At a very ripe age, he was still able to move his waist and sire Isaac.
So let’s not go there please!
Well, that should be that for the man who would marry me and
oh! He must be a Christian, a genuine child of the Almighty. And please, before
you think of applying, you must be above thirty, I don’t think I like being
called “mummy” by my husband. Physically, I think I am aging (but that’s why I
am putting up this advert of course). Another thing, if you have known me for a
long time, say, ten years at least, you will also be on my list of preference.
Other than that, please see if you fit the above description and apply for
three years of screening.
If I can’t have most of the listed attributes in a man, then
I might just keep searching. I don’t care to marry before I die, I am not a
traditionalist.
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Authors 
Posted by Robot| 11.05.2008 17:43