Today (February 6th) is a special day in my life.
As early as 6am this morning, my phone started ringing, as it had for
the past six years. My family, my in-laws, and my closest friends…all
asking the same questions: “How are you feeling today?” I would either
say that I am fine, ignore the question and become a chatterbox or
burst into tears…..depending on the identity of the caller.
After the phone call rituals, I would call off work, stay at home, and watch our family videos.
February 6 had become a solemn day for me and I had no plan of changing that.
But, this year…this SEVENTH year…Something has happened. A change has
taken place. When I woke up to the sound of the telephone this morning,
I knew that my healing has been completed. In place of the pain and
heaviness of heart, I had peace like a river. I had joy in my heart. My
heart was filled with gratitude. I knew that I had conquered the
monster of fear…Praise the Lord!
To a lot of people, I am the epitome of strength. Occasionally, I give
motivational talks and, trust me; I am yet to see one person that is
not encouraged after listening to me. I had even gone as far as posting
an article in the Palava Hut about a lady that I was counseling and you guys chipped in some
wonderful pieces of advice that she found very useful. I have had to
speak to about four women that I have never met whose husbands died
after a few years of marriage. Young women who are paralyzed with shock
and cannot completely grasp what hit them. I talk to them and they are
able to draw strength.
But, guess what, that saying: “Physician heal thyself” applies to me. I
refused to admit that I needed closure in a certain area of my life. I
was living in denial. I was able to convince myself that if I did not
talk about it, then it isn’t true.
A lot of people have made wrong assumptions about me, but I couldn’t
care less. Except for people that have access to my data at work,
others think I am divorced. I made such discussions a taboo.
It did not start off like this, the first few months after it happened,
I was open about it. I attracted so much sympathy that it bordered on
pity. It was the pity aspect that left me miserable most of the time.
Some people genuinely cared but others would ask questions that had
never crossed my mind, that would create fear in my, then, fragile
heart. They made sure that I was aware of the “difficulties” ahead. My
age did not help matters.
“You are so young, how could this happen to you!”…. “How would you cope with this and that?”
I decided to shut everybody and everything out. I figured that as long
as I manage to keep him alive in my heart, then my husband did not die.
Prior to today, I would rather not talk about my husband than talk
about him in the past tense. I married a man that treated me like a
queen…in every way. I have kept his memory alive in every imaginable
way. My handle Dimaanu attests to that.
Today, God has healed my deepest pain and delivered me from ALL my
fears. I talked to my children this morning about the significance of
today, they handled it very well. It was so touching listening to my
baby girl worship God for her daddy. Yes, I went to work!
We remain grateful to God, who has continued to perfect all that concern us.
Writing this article on NVS was not an easy decision. Please do not
feel sorry for me. If I don’t tell people, they cannot tell by looking
at me that I have experienced what some grandmothers are yet to
experience... The death of a husband.
Writing this has been therapeutic for me. I do not think that I would
ever go back to where I was before. I will no longer be controlled by
my fears. I will no longer be strong for others only, I will be strong
for myself too.
I am thankful that God has used me to help other young women who
thought that their world had come to an end because of their situation.
If I can do it, then they can do it too. The secret of my strength has
been and will remain the Grace of God.
My song for today:
He gave me beauty for ashes
The oil of joy for mourning
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness
That I might
Be a tree of righteousness
The planting of the Lord
That He might be glorified
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