Nigerian Men Killing Their Wives - Calling a spade what it is

Part [I]

I read Pastor Femi Awodele’s piece on Nigeriaworld related to the above subject. It made an interesting reading just like all of the other series of his. I must commend him on the excellent job he is doing through this medium to better the marital lives of all of us both home and abroad. Even though I'm a prolific reader of articles online, I hardly respond to any piece I read and I don’t form a habit of writing to any of the writers. But since this is a very sensitive and topical issue facing us, I want to say one or two things concerning his latest piece that I read recently. As we can also see on Nigeriaworld, some other writers have also made some useful contributions. With due respect, when I read Pastor Femi Awodele’s latest article, the man of God tends to slant towards the female’s side as if they don’t do anything that is ‘bad’ to warrant some of the ordeals they received. Please don’t get me wrong here. I am not saying here that killing of one’s wife is a good thing but we need to also educate the women folks on how to behave as good women as God had planned it in the beginning. We cannot solve this huge problem by just looking at the outcome or the fallout – the killing. There is a danger in this.

To address this problem of killing spree, we have to visit the root cause. In other words, to nip in the bud the unpleasant and painful or difficult experience that some women suffered from some of our men, we have to visit the devilish and dangerous games that some of our women play so that everybody can learn one or two things from them. Some of these unbecoming behaviour of some of our women have often been a precursor to the killing spree that we witness nowadays. All is not well with some of our women, I must confess! In an article credited to Abiola-Lawore, the author compiled some pictures and some stories behind each killing. One sister Jumoke-Akin-Taylor also wrote about the Nigerian women she knew, yet related to the same topic under discussion. A brother named Obeya Francis Kizito also hit the nail on the head on some of the things that our women are doing wrongly. He was able to raise some useful points on the same issue. In related news, The Punch Newspaper published a story about how one Sikiru Saka allegedly killed his wife at Ajangbadi Area of Lagos.

Anyway, our men have been given enough knocks by other writers while our women have only received minima knocks. One begins to think or wonder if our women are innocent after all for them to be so exonerated seemingly. But both male and female, we are all to be blamed for this problem. To all our women out there, I also want to say to you here that I am not a male chauvinist and I don’t want to be one. What I am about to say here, I know, will annoy so many of our women. Some will like me but some will hate me. Nevertheless, I love our women and therefore, my only intention here is to inform and educate, period. I love you all but I will call a spade a spade while giving an unbiased opinion here. Let us pay more attention!

With all due respect to all the contributors, this article is written as a complement to what all of you have said rather than being a rebuttal or rejoinder. Since Pastor Femi Awodele who wrote on the above subject article was looking at the problem from a biblical angle, I will also try to start my race from that same spot as well. With all said, I will proceed with caution to discuss the genesis of the problem.

To start with, I will tell my people about the women I knew. The Bible that we all read did not teach us that Eve was poor and that that was why she was a loving wife to Adam. The bible tells us that in the original language, the name Adam gave his wife (Eve in English) referred to her being ‘the mother of all living.’ To be a mother of all the living I think is more than being a Billionaire in the present time. But Adam and Eve remained Husband and wife even with all the temptations.

The same could be said about other notable women in the Bible. Women like Ruth, Hannah, Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, Virgin Mary the mother of Jesus Christ were never mentioned in the Bible to be poor, yet they remained women of value, integrity, honesty  and valour. These were some women that I knew. If Virgin Mary were to be a Nigerian woman she would have probably out of arrogance told her then husband to be, Mr. John, to go to hell and that she is now dating the Holy Spirit! If she was a Nigerian woman, she would have told Mr. John the Carpenter that he was no longer in her league.

Some of the writers concluded that the cause of the problem was the fact that some women are richer than their men. But, can that be the only reason? It is not only now that many women have been doing better financially than some men. Joanna and Susanna we were told in the Holy Bible provided financial support for Jesus' earthly ministry and the duo were never for once said to be disrespectful or looked down on our Lord. Mary the sister of Martha and Lazarus was the woman who anointed Jesus with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair. As pleasant as she was, she never for once looked down on our Lord. These are the type of women that I want to know.

Tabitha we were told in the Bible was noted for the good work and charitable deeds which she did and she was later raised from the dead through Peter. This woman of God did not for once look down on anybody, male or female.

What about Jehosheba in the Bible? This woman courageously saved a future king, the child Joash, from the murderous rampage of the wicked, self proclaimed queen Athaliah. Abigail the wife of Nabal was a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance and she also saved Nabal from David's vengeance. But the bible never reported them to be 911 callers or to be very proud individuals because of their remarkable achievement. These are the women we should be or emulate.

Shiphrah and Puah were the brave Egyptian midwives who feared God and would not kill the infant sons of the Israelite women. Do many of our Nigerian women even fear God at all? God said in the bible that the man is the head of the home and should be respected. That was never a conditional statement. God did not say a woman should only respect her husband if the husband is richer than her. Even with all their big ‘Geles’ in churches on Sundays you would think many of them will behave as godly women at their respective homes. But that is not to be. You need to hear some of these women when they do their stock in trade- gossiping. I say you need to see them talk or discuss. One cannot begin to say here the way they usually ‘yeye’ their men especially when they are on coffee-break in their various offices or when they say they go on ladies night out. Adultery to them is nothing but a game. They say it is all in the spirit of having varieties. It is their proud boast that they are sleeping around. Varieties they call it, but these are sins. If the husbands say anything, it is one threat or the other.

Some of our women will even say they are being caged by their men. Shedding crocodile tears profusely always if the man dares complain, the ‘gullible’ policemen are there knocking on his door. Many of the men that are still keeping their marriages are the quiet types that will rather keep quiet rather than losing their properties to their women. God has given them such wisdom to maintain close lips. They will rather remain dumb for peace to reign supreme at home. One Yoruba proverb says that ‘ti omode ba mo owo we, yio ba agba jeun.’ That is: If a child knows how to wash his hands he will dine with the elders. These men know exactly what they are doing. These men know how to overlook a lot of things at home but they only complain to their friends outside the house on what they are going through. Some women choose their husbands’ friends for them. Don’t move with this one but that one, you heard them say! These men dare not concur; they know the monsters they have as wives. If our men in return say to them, you too don’t move with people of questionable characters, they complain. As a man, if you annoyed that type of woman, you know what that means. Those men live in constant fear. Fear of losing it all in one day! My brothers and sisters, can you blame those quiet men, it is truly women world abroad.

Those men are quiet practically about everything. They are quiet about the amount of money being spent by the women. They must be quiet just to allow their women to have it their ways always. They give the women their space. These men do things and condone things they will ordinarily not do or condone back home. They swallow every insult in the name of maintaining a peaceful atmosphere. Meanwhile, the same woman will still complain and describe her husband as a jerk or WUSS as some people will say in America. A WUSS who dances to all her tunes and this she does not like again and that she likes and prefers a man who gives her a challenge at home. Let the man give her some few challenges, she will say she is not happy again. The truth is women don’t really know what they want.  Many men do need to be thick-skinned to survive the temptations and harassment from some of our women abroad.

In addition, if the man is tired and does not feel like making love on a particular day the wife will be threatening him that she will go and be sleeping around. ‘If you cannot do it your mate will do it outside’, you heard them say threateningly. If it was the woman who was tired and the man wanted it, if the man talked too much, it is an intention to rape. It is women world out there. I even met a Nurse who told me that she was going to leave her husband. Her complaint was that her man does not make a lot of money and that he is equally not good in bed. Some of these women are just very critical about everything! I told her that but you have been living with the same man for years. ‘You got married to him, he brought you to America, and he spent all the money all alone just to make sure you became a Registered Nurse. He supported you all alone. The man is not idle, he is working and still doing the same job he was doing at that time he was spending money on you to make you a better person in America. Now that you are a Registered Nurse, are you now just coming back from your trance to know that your man is not now good in bed? Suddenly, you now know that your man is not making enough money.’ I said to her. Will God not judge such a woman?

Lest I forget, after many of our women have now completed their nursing program or any other program and they are now earning some dollars, the time is now ripe for them to have a separate account. They will concoct one lie after another just to open a separate account. Women! Some of their friends and relatives will even advise them to have a separate account. As stupid as some of these women are, they have now suddenly forgotten all the good things that their men have done for them. I remembered a female friend of mine who was traveling out to meet her husband after her wedding. I also remembered the pieces of advice she was being given upon leaving. Some people were telling her that her career is very lucrative abroad and that she should not have a joint account with her husband. Such was the plot before she even left the shore of Nigeria. Our people!

In another dimension, surprisingly, a woman who had once lived in Nigeria for 30 years has suddenly forgotten her own culture and values (family/moral/traditional) within three years of living abroad. What a shame! Even the so-called white women don’t even care if they make more money than their husbands. I have seen a white woman, a medical doctor who got married to a mechanics. I know another female medical doctor who got married to a Truck driver. I don’t have to be a genius to know that a medical doctor is likely to make more money. But these female doctors still live happily with their men. Some Nigerian registered Nurses should learn from this.

As greedy as they are, some of our women upon traveling to Nigeria on holidays will still go and sleep with their former boy friends and sugar daddy. I even heard a gist about the wife of a notable Pastor abroad who will always go to Nigeria with her husband for a Conference. This woman of God (or should we say woman of devil) will also instruct her former boy friend to lodge in the same hotel that she and her husband stay. Anytime the man of God is not around, this woman will sneak to her boy friend’s room for some actions. Can you imagine that?

There's nowt so queer as folk, so they say. To some Christians among our women, all in the name of holding a Prayer meeting or session, they will turn the prayer meeting to a gossiping arena. They will gossip about their individual husbands. Everything that is happening in their homes, they will reveal to their partners in crime, the prayer warriors. This is the joint where some of our women get an ill-advised proposals and initiatives that they executive at home. This is where they get the idea of those strange characters they display at home. Stupid advice from stupid people, one would say. The same can be said about some of our Muslim sisters out there. Can we deceive God?

Sorry for the little digression. For those women who are terrorizing their husband at home and still want their husbands to be good in bed at the same time, I have a word for you. If you don’t know, a man ‘thing’ is connected to his heart. If you want more actions, be good to your man. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. This is food for thought for our women out there.

That brings me to another point. I know them; it is when some of our women are having other lovers elsewhere who are deceiving them that they say all of these jargons to belittle their husbands. Some of our women will say their men are not good in bed just to bring down their men at home. Our women should know that the grass is not greener elsewhere. “That your new boy friend who deceives you by bringing you roses every afternoon will change immediately he gets married to you. The ‘love in Tokyo’ is never perpetual. The honey-moon may soon be over. Some of our men will use you and dump you after sleeping with you. You have lost your husband who was there for you when things were not so rosy for you. Through thick and thin your husband was there. I say he was there at the beginning. Now you have chased two birds and lost the two. You have now lost your husband because of your greed and lack of wisdom.” “Hard I know………….2ce” will now be the new chorus that they sing.

I was reading an article sometimes ago written by Sabella Ogbobode Abidde and titled: Why Do African Men Go Home to Marry? Being an apposite article to this discussion here, the contents of the article fascinated me as did the reactions of people who commented on the contents of the article. You could take time to go look at the article and see what people are saying. Therefore, another point worthy of mentioning is the fact that some of our women are not genuinely in love with their men. It was all marriage of convenience. Some followed their men to America and left them once they could find their feet while some of them left once their feet touched American soil. What am I saying here, some of our women will still carry their ‘cupboard love’ all the way from Nigeria to America. Human being!

One African proverb says “When you have chased a goat towards a wall, eventually when it gets to the wall, the goat will turn and face whoever is chasing it. One Yoruba proverb says: If a man is running helter-skelter in the middle of the day, it is either he is chasing something or he is being chased. A man can only take so much. And they say Revenge is sweet. I guess the result is what we see nowadays – Killing spree. I believe those women were killed by their husbands in revenge for the untold activities of those deceased women. To those men, I will say that this is a crude and barbaric way of taken one’s revenge. The bible does not support this act in anyway. God has said it that vengeance is His and that He will repay the evil ones. I will not write much on this because the nefarious acts and deeds of such men have already been condemned by other writers. 

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NIGERIAN MEN KILLING THEIR WIVES- Calling a spade what it is Part [2]

Okay, let me start off from where I stopped in part [1] of this article. My father once told me that if a man cuts his head for a woman and the man afterward uses a calabash or pumpkin as his new head, a woman will still tell that man that she wants that calabash or pumpkin too. They are never satisfied. For those kind of women, if a man wants ‘A’, they want ‘B.’ If a man wants B they want ‘GB’. Meanwhile, to people who do not know ‘GB’ is an alphabet in Yoruba. You never know where they are coming from. Some of them are so arrogant and stubborn to a fault. Some will even tell it to their husbands’ faces that: hope they remember that North American is a woman’s world. Exaggeration apart, some of our women have learnt by heart American marital laws. You need to see them recite them whenever there is any debate. You will always see some of them reading a book with title like “the right of American women” or the resemblance. As if they were Chief Gani Faweyinmi (SAN), they turn themselves to lawyers ‘apapan-dodo.’

But come to think of it, most of these women were nothing back home before they were brought to America. Gold-digger is the name of the game! Now that they got to America and those men washed away poverty from them, some of them will begin to misbehave knowing fully well that they can sustain themselves from their take home pay. For such a woman who cannot manage success, arrogance therefore, sets in so also is independence. The words “submissiveness to one’s husband” as proclaimed by God is no longer in their bible. Some of them will even tell you boastfully, I am an independent woman. Yoruba people have a way of saying it: ‘Ika kan kowo won ni idi mo!’ That is: one finger can no longer enter her anus again. As proud as they always are, they can no longer be subdued. They now set a new standard for themselves.

A woman who cannot buy even a pant and a bra on her own back home in Nigeria has been brought to America. She don open eye as my Warri people will say. The man has now opened her eyes. She has now moved from one extreme state to another – a once innocent lady has now grown wings all of a sudden. A lipstick has now been put on a pig. She now wants to go for SPA every week. She now spends money on magazines. She now wears designers. She does not want to receive any gift that is not a designer from her man. She now wears expensive colognes. She now eats out everyday. I am tired is the only song on her lip. “Dear, I cannot cook, let us go out to eat.” Some of them will say, dear, we rarely dine out these days. Eating out now becomes an everyday affair. If the man feels otherwise, she does not care a hoot. Threat as usual!

Some of them will even tell you to hire a helping hand to do the laundry and to help with house cleaning. This was the same woman who was fetching water from a river to wash her dresses and drying them in the sun, now, she cannot simply use washing machine by herself to do laundry without complaining. This was a woman who used to go to the sawmill or forest to fetch firewood before she cooked; now she cannot use cooker to cook without complaining. This was a woman who used to go to ‘under the bridge’ at Ojuelegba and Ikeja to do million braids and she was the same person who used to enter Molue to Badagry for the same million braids, but now she cannot even drive her own car, she wants to carry Taxi to a far place to do her hair where the celebrities go. She knows where Oprah and Beyonce do their hair; She knows where they do their nails. Competition galore! This is what Oprah recommended, she would say. ‘Iwo ke!’ I say this was a woman who used to go to “bend down” at Oshodi and Agege motor road to buy tokunbo dress; she now wants designers at the most expensive shopping mall. This was the same woman who did not know how to drive a car in Nigeria; she now wants to drive the most expensive cars. This was the same woman who used to go to the near-by bush and river to pass her excreta; she cannot now clean her own bathroom and toilet. What a dramatic change! My brothers and sisters, Yoruba people will say ‘O ga o!’

Some of our women who live in Europe will even leave Europe and tell their husbands that they want to go and shop in America as if American dresses or items are made differently. Some of them who their husbands are not in support of such trips will still embark on these trips. They just don’t want to hear anything that sounds as if their husbands are exercising some power. They will say, no one pays the piper and therefore, no one can call the tune. At least our women believe they are earning Pounds sterling and Euros like their husbands. ‘Na wa o!’ It is a tug of war at home.

Like a mature oak tree, she thinks she is now mature enough to fend for herself. She feels God has now buttered her bread. She now has both economic and other ‘bottom’ power.’ She has been taught now how to fish and instead of being thankful to that man, she will now begin to show her true colour. We all know what that colour is! Will God be happy with that kind of woman?  Is that the woman you once knew?

Some of these women will be using the latest cars in town while their husbands are there using “one old jalopy” car just to make the family break-even. If her man advises her against huge debt, she is quick to tell the man, my God is not a God of poverty. Mr. Man, you are not the poorest man in America. Let us buy what we want; we will pay the debt off little by little. The Yorubas among them are quick to say, ‘emi to ba je igbese lo ma san.’ Loans upon loans they collect! If the man advises her against such a debt, she will complain about how she never has any saying in the family decision that the man is the only one making all the decisions. But alas, she has never made any good decision to start with. She never understands one day. She wants it all. That immediate gratification is what some of our women want. Some of them do not think ahead. Some of them don’t even make any useful plan with their husbands. “I want it now and it must be now” is the only expression in their dictionary. Some of these women don’t understand anything. They cannot see beyond their noses. Some of them are of the habit of wasting their husbands’ money on unnecessary wants. ‘Dear, I want these and I want that.’ Insincere ‘dear’ that they say so perfunctorily. They spend money on things they don’t need. Fortunately for them, their men’s wings have either been cut or pruned because of the laws that support and protect the women abroad.

I knew a woman who was wasting her husband money on useless items and parties and she was using her own money to build houses back home in Nigeria unknown to the man. Is that love? Will God be happy with this kind of behaviour?  I know a particular woman who also built a house in Nigeria without telling her husband and she used her husband’s money to embark on such a project. This particular woman has already called 911 for her husband once. Even when the man heard that his woman has a mansion in Nigeria, he could not say anything. Can he? No, they say once bitten, twice shy. The man must have remembered how he was ordered out of his own house then and how the police told him not to go near his house within a 500 meter radius. How can a man forget such a horrible experience? Even if that woman builds a castle in Dubai today, that man cannot say anything.

Many of our women operate different bank accounts back home unknown to their husbands. If the man gets to hear from grapevine and asks her, it is the usual threat he gets in return. The man has been reduced to a toothless bull-dog that can only bark but which cannot bite. Truly enough, some of those men cannot even bark. How can he bark when the lion is there roaring? Who is talking that the dog is wagging its tail? Those women freely send their men on errand they cannot even send their own brothers. Why keep a dog and bark yourself, they would say? There was one particular woman who was telling me about an incident that happened in their home when her own mother came to visit them abroad. The woman as usual was ordering her dog (sorry, her husband) around on errand but the man’s mother-in-law had to caution her own daughter on this. But that woman told me she simply corrected her own mother that in this day and age, what a woman should do, a man can do better. With that, the woman had simply told her mother to leave her marriage alone. So sad!

Furthermore, it is another story entirely if anyone is visiting from the man’s side. Some women will do anything humanly possible to prevent such a visit. They are so smart at this; they are trying to prevent their husband relatives from seeing how they have turned their dear son into slave in Oyinbo-man’s land. It is that time she will start making unnecessary demands. At that point, the man surely will get the message that she does not want his mother or father to visit. If the man is tired of being a slave in a Whiteman’s land and tells his wife to let them go back to Nigeria. The woman will never put her signature to that ‘move’, never! Any man out there, just test your wife by saying that you are in the process of getting a job in Nigeria so that you guys can go back home, you will see her reaction! “Are you out of your mind; my hand no dey there.” She will say.

If some men want to send things to their families, it will pass through a whole screening process and the eagle eyes of their women but some of these women send things to their own families every month without any hassle. She only smiles to her husband when she wants something. If the man cannot afford it, it is one insult or another she heaps on him. Most of the time, it degenerates to a situation where the woman will say she is not happy. “You are not happy with the relationship just now that your husband cannot meet your excessive demands?” God dey!  Most of these women are quick to say: “Your mates in town are doing these or that for their wives. Mr. Chinedu in my office just threw a party for his wife and he also gave her a Lexus Jeep as a birthday gift” ‘Mr. Taiwo in our church just bought a new house for his in-law back in Nigeria.” They all have juicy stories to share just to drive the man crazy.”  But, this is the same woman who has been wasting her husband money on useless items and party. Anyway, it is women world out there.

To make matter worse, when there is a rift between the husband and the wife, the in-laws at home or abroad sometimes add fuel to the fire. Because of their own selfishness, some in-laws even fan the flames. They know that if the husband and the wife are not in good terms, it is of advantage to them. The people that should know better will now be the ones taking advantage of the couple and the rift. They can now get more ‘milk & kola’ if you know what I mean!

Before I forget, let me quickly talk about those people that Pastor Femi Awodele referred to as Turkeys in his article (Pastor Femi Awodele’s article). Well, since that man cannot always meet his wife incessant demands, we all know, that a woman will always complain. I have heard a woman telling me that her husband is a good for nothing husband. As far as I am concerned and from what I have seen, her husband is a good man. I knew this man and I saw all that this man was doing for her that many men will never do for their wives, yet she denigrates this man in the public. On querying her further why she said that her husband is not a good man she could not give me any genuine reason. It was one flimsy excuse or the other. I then said to myself, if I were to be one of those “Turkeys” now, I could have simply poured some sand in her marriage. It is a matter of just giving her my time and being her adviser. A woman like that will always come back to you for more advice because she will think that she has now found an ally.

That brings me to another point, women are the weaker sex emotionally and when they come abroad they want to make new friends. But they should know that the people or families who they are friendly with matter most. In most cases, they tend to mingle with these older women or couples who have been on ground. These older couples are Mr. and Mrs. ‘Abroad’ on their own. They know it all. They have been staying overseas for years. They go by different names: Uncle, aunty, Sister, mummy, daddy, you name it. We all do, I know you too have Turkeys. You are not related but you called them some of those names listed above just to honour them and just because they are Nigerians like you and they are older than you. Like I said, these newly landed couple always fall a prey to these “Turkeys”. Women will always show their emotion whenever they have little quarrel with their husbands. Men know how to bottle things up but women on the other hand needed someone to talk to especially when there are no any blood relatives around. But what happen when a shoulder we think we can cry on is full of thorns. Some of these Turkeys or hawks know how to put spanners on any marriage. They are very handy! And they go about all the time with their chisels and machine tools looking for marriage to demolish.

How do you know a Turkey, one would ask? From my own definition, a Turkey is anyone who you lodge a complaint to about your spouse’s ‘bad’ behaviour and who does not make any attempt to talk to your spouse on your behalf in order to help you pour oil on the troubled water. A turkey rather than being supportive to help you nurture your marriage will rather form alliance with you against your spouse. A Turkey will give you ill advice to the extent that you will even consider leaving your husband in matter of days. Those Turkeys or hawks know how to sugar-coat you into believing that you are better looking than your husband who brought you from home. They will cook for you and they will indirectly turn you into a slave especially if you know how to plait or braid hair or if you are good at cooking. They will talk you into leaving your husband and that they will help you get a better man who will take good care of you. They will even introduce another man to you. Some of those Turkeys will even advise you to go and study Nursing. They will prepare a timeline schedule for you and what you need to do at every stage. To the detriment of your marriage, they will advise you wrongly and they will ‘dabaru’ all the other good plans that you and your husband have, unfortunately, unknown to the husband. Some of our women do gossip about their husbands while in the saloon and they get ill advice in return. When the husband is away trying to look for what his members of family will eat, his woman is there making calls to those “Turkeys” out there, gossiping about her husband.  ‘My husband is this, my husband is that.’ She complains.

At the advanced stages, as a senseless woman that she is, upon getting home after being brainwashed by her so-called Turkeys she will be doing some funny things just to annoy her husband. She now has the gut and liver to do what she cannot do before. She has the backing of her non-related uncle, mummy and daddy who were never in the picture at the beginning.

Eventually, the woman will move out. Or she will order her man to move out that she does not want to see him around.  It is an order! That ‘separation’ has now occurred. The police as usual will wade in given the husband a refraining order from seeing his woman. The woman in turn will say I need my space. I need time to think about everything. Dancing to the tune of her newly found lover, she is indirectly telling her husband, now her Ex. that she needed time to taste another ‘soup.’ While the husband is wallowing in agony and his heart is broken, his wife is there receiving a holy treatment from her new man. She has now lost her heart to a new man. As usual, these kind of women always surround themselves with bad-wagons, the white bitches (sorry, some white-women). These white women who are her friends never help matter as well as they teach our women all the tricks of the trades called ‘separation and divorce.’ “Yes, if you don’t love him again, leave him and go and enjoy yourself with the person you now love.” The white bitches would say. To these white women, divorce is nothing to them as some of them have gone through separation and divorce more than three times already. They now change men like dresses. But some of our Nigerian women always forget the fact that our culture is so different from theirs. Yorubas say: ‘eni awi fun, oba je ko gbo!’ They say easy comes easy goes. After all said and done, her newly found lover will eventually leave her in the lurch after tasting the forbidden fruit repeatedly.  Yorubas say. ‘iwaju ko se lo mo, eyin ko se pada si.’ Now she has lost it all. Because of pride, she will not be able go back to her ex and meanwhile, her new lover would have cut her off like a sharp knife. The other potential lovers will now be trooping after her like locusts without any good intentions but to chomp and clean mouth.

Some of these women are also members of one gang (occultism) or the other. Witchcraft is a better name for it. This is always very apparent in their “witch on a broomstick” behaviour. Some will even join witchcraft or bad gang because of their men. They will say they want to deal ruthlessly with their men. A friend of mine was even telling me about how his own sister left her husband and how she eventually turned to an object that every Tom and Harry exchange like trade by batter. Because the woman is now depressed having lost it all, she wants to be loved again. Our men and their white counterparts alike know how to deal with these types of women. Some of our men are often seen selling the woman’s weak point to their friends. ‘Go and meet her, tell her this and that, she will fall for you.’ Like free food, they will all use such a woman in rapid succession and drop her each time like it is hot. “You want to be wayward, we will help you.” These men would say. The most unfortunate thing is that those Turkey will now abandon the lady when things get out of hand. Such a depressed woman can also do just anything. This depression can even lead the woman to kill as well. It’s not only men that can kill, women too can kill. To such women out there, all is not lost. Even though these Turkeys may have now disappeared to the thin air, I say all is not lost. To such women out there facing this kind of problem, I will advise you move closer to God. He will deliver you. You need rest!

Having lost it all to the divorce (his house, his car, his wife, the money in the account, the children and most especially his mind) the man on the other hand, becomes so depressed and he may not do well at work again and may lose his job eventually. Some of his friends may even alienate or abandon him. Nigerians! Success mingles with success they say. Now, that his friends, sisters and brothers have run away from him, he is more psychologically disturbed. Upon all of these, they may still ask the man to pay a child support or alimony. Now, my brothers and sisters, what do you expect from such a man? I don’t expect less from such a wounded lion! Hence, the killing spree we are witnessing today.  But common Mr. Man, there are some people who have survived this divorce related depression. There are some strong men out there who never allow it to get to that stage that they are now depressed. Go out go do things that will make you happy. Engage yourself in so many activities. Meet people and be happy. I know some people who their wives left them. Because their women left, it toughened them and made them work even harder. Now today, they are fine and well to do people while those women are having the regret of their lives. It is law of karma! You can actually turn the table around. The storm will soon be over. Don’t go and kill! Don’t waste people lives. And don’t waste your own life too. Remember the Ten Commandments -Thou shall not kill! Don’t kill yourself because of one Nurse who cannot manage success. Even, some celebrities are still submissive to their husbands! Anyway, they say empty barrels make the greatest noise.

To our men in this kind of painful experience, rather than planning to kill someone they should also know that there are a lot of women out there waiting to accept them. Those prospective wives will even be spending money on you. You were the one spending money on your wife before but those women I am talking about will spoil you with goodies. They will do everything for you. They are even better in every way. Better jobs, better characters, better everything. Godly women! Potential wives! They need you and not your money. Unfortunately, our men close their eyes to all of these opportunities while looking for people to hold a pity party for them. I don’t pity them!

What am I saying here, to any man out there who is passing through a stage like this, please don’t resort into killing your wife. The coast will soon be clear. Let her go; you will find another good woman who will be there for you for better for worse. God sees everything and just allow Him to give you rest and peace. A man does not have to do anything as revenge. Just allow our God to avenge for you. The killing spree is not necessary.

These Turkeys are you and me! Look at yourself in the mirror. Are you one of those Turkeys?

Before I go, I will like to appeal to those ‘Turkeys’ out there, Uncles, aunty, mummy and daddy, brothers and sisters, let us help these young couples to nurture their marriages. You live with your own spouse, let them enjoy their own marriage, the God ordained institution.

To my brothers and sisters out there, I want to also tell you here that you should not allow anybody to paint a rosy picture of family life or ideal marriage for you. My brothers and sisters, do not be deceived by anyone, there is no perfect marriage anywhere. Everybody is trying everyday to make it work. We all put in efforts to water it to make it grow. You may say you don’t like your spouse but - give the devil his/her due – he/she works incredibly hard. Stick and stay glued to your spouse. The devil you know now is better than the devil you don’t know. Don’t give that new devil a chance. There is no master or servant in a marriage. Let us give ourselves a level of respect for God to be happy with us.

Before I get to the finishing line, I will like to say that the characters being painted in this article may be you or people that you know. They are all out there. Let us scrutinize or check ourselves out and try to turn over a new leaf. I can only say so much. My main objective is not to belittle our women here. It is not character assassination at all but an appeal for a reformed character. In the bible, there are good women and there are bad ones. But which one do you want to be? There was Priscilla as well as Jezebel. Therefore, not all our women are bad eggs or black sheep. I have seen many Nigerian women abroad who are so good to their husbands. These are the women I want to know. I even knew some Nigerian medical doctors (women) abroad. Their modesty forbids them from bragging about their success. These women never looked down on their husbands. They allowed their husband to be the head. They respect them and also they are very submissive. They don’t compete with their husbands. They don’t drive their husbands crazy. Excellent character reference, you name it! These are the qualities of a good woman!

Robot  # 1 | 05.10.2008 00:02

To address this problem of killing spree, we have to visit the root cause. In other words, to nip in the bud the unpleasant and painful or difficult experience that some women suffered from some of...Read the full article.

Dewdrops  # 2 | 05.10.2008 04:10

=Robot;276741>To address this problem of killing spree, we have to visit the root cause. In other words, to nip in the bud the unpleasant and painful or difficult experience that some women suffered from some of...Read the full article. The same could be said about other notable women in the Bible. Women like Ruth, Hannah, Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, Virgin Mary the mother of Jesus Christ were never mentioned in the Bible to be poor, yet they remained women of value, integrity, honesty and valour. These were some women that I knew. If Virgin Mary were to be a Nigerian woman she would have probably out of arrogance told her then husband to be, Mr. John, to go to hell and that she is now dating the Holy Spirit! If she was a Nigerian woman, she would have told Mr. John the Carpenter that he was no longer in her league. Some of the writers concluded that the cause of the problem was the fact that some women are richer than their men. But, can that be the only reason? It is not only now that many women have been doing better financially than some men. Joanna and Susanna we were told in the Holy Bible provided financial support for Jesus' earthly ministry and the duo were never for once said to be disrespectful or looked down on our Lord. Mary the sister of Martha and Lazarus was the woman who anointed Jesus with fragrant oil and wiped His feet with her hair. As pleasant as she was, she never for once looked down on our Lord. These are the type of women that I want to know. Old topic.....but worthy to be addressed because of domestic violence which always has temporal and spatial relevance as long as we live. First of all.....it is not a killing spree like you would love it to be.........becoming prevalent.....but not a killing spree. There are more marriages amongst Nigerians in the diaspora with couples working as a team(together or as separated/divorced) than the killing spree set up you are so trying to sell to us. You fail! I just love it when people like you twist the realities to suit your aims. Sure, Johanna and Sussana(and all the women you made reference to in your article) were married to the holy spirit....not men. So how can you disrespect what you cannot see? Besides, how many women worked in the bible while their men sat at home babysitting? I would like to know women like Dr. Okonjo-Iweala, Nancy Pelossi, Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin to mention a few. Don't think they disrespected their husbands. They worked as a team..............with mutual respect and admiration......even where not perfect. Welcome to the 21st century darling. More importantly, I would love to meet the men who have nortured and found them worthy as wives to keep and work with. I see Mr Palin trotting behind his lovely wife with full support and the Americans are not calling him a "woman wrapper" abi? It is only in the African community and Nigeria especially will such a matter come up as a result of their almighty religion and culture. Ex-President, Bill Clinton was supporting his wife during her presidential campaign...even where she failed to acknowledge him in her famous "I am a proud Mother/American/Democrat/Senator speech....did he disrespect her for that? No....because he focused on the most important thing at the moment......her success......as a reflection of himself. She has never disrespected him by discussing his numerous "ashewo" escapades with the press either. Now, that is team work.....for the benefit of the whole family. Perhaps, if you stepped into the 21st century like the rest of the world, you would probably address this topic with a more rational state of mind. Not all men are interested in those kinds of bilblical characters for spouses....and vice versa. By the way........names such as Ruth, Mabel, Rebecca, Salome and Zipporah are obselete.:rolleyes: Welcome to the worlds of Chantelle, Simone, Xiomarra, Drusilla and Shequanna. I most definitely do not want to visit the worlds of Moses, Isaiah, Malachi Zaccheaus, Zedikiah or Romanus.:rolleyes: There is no justification for taking another person's life....man, woman or child. OJ Simpson is getting ready to meet his maker now(with his ar$$).....domestic violence is never the answer to any problem......even if you catch your spouse on top of another on your matrimonial bed. Playing ma one of ma favorite songs: Walk Away----------------Kelly Clarkston. :cool: Which wan come be "Hold Big-K" for this title again? :confused1

ttonjo  # 3 | 05.10.2008 05:35

I will not describe your piece as 'old topic' because marriage is an 'institution' that is ever evolving and it shall continue to be. Today we have different sort of 'unions' between men and women, both official, i.e. legal marriages, while their were various unofficial 'unions' known as 'co-habiting' and things are getting on well between such couples. Now came the latest: 'man to man' unions, i.e. 'legal marriage' between men, and (women marrying another women), recognize by law in some western countries, eg. UK, and in South Africa, amongst others. Welcome to the twenty-first century!! What an interesting piece you presented here Idowu, and I must commend you for your educative and good efforts so that many people will learn one thing or the other from this 'great write up'. Who knows, maybe your piece might save some broken marriages or probably prevents some 'future tragic marital incidents' you highlighted in your article. Well done and more greace to your good elbow. Although I thoroughly enjoy your piece, I noticed that you are slightly bias towards men. I do not agree with men beating their women, (under no circumstances). All these 'old fashion African mentality' should be a thing of the past. Just because you pay for someone, who is supposed to be your partner, to a foreign country does not make you masters over them. There is no excuse, whatsoever for brutality against women by some men. Not even in Africa, where men behaves like that with impunity. Let's call a spade a spade! We all knew what goes on behind closed doors in majority of unbalanced marriages in African. It is an open secrets. Just because a man paid a woman bridal price doesn't make her his slave. This is 2000+ centuries for God's sake! Enough is enough of all these foolish old traditions of men dominating their wives, as if they 'the women' are trophies that must be possessed by some deranged 'selfish' men. Let me share an experience I had here on the street of London about ten years ago with you. I was driving on the road somewhere in South London, then all of a sudden, I saw a fellow black man running aimlessly on the road behind a London Bus in front of my Car and I slow down. He flagged me down and I stopped, and the man, who by coincidence happen to be a fellow Nigerian, begged me to follow the bus in front because he was on the trail of his newly acquired 'woman' he just brought from Nigeria to London. I said why? He said, ever since the women came to London, according to him, just a few months ago, she has been behaving irrationally and visiting other men. He want me to follow the bus discreetly to see where the 'new wife' was going to alight from the bus, so that he could cut her red handed with the man she was going to visit behind his back. This strange man was in a 'restless situation' that I feared for him that he might have a heart attack, that was how serious the situation was. But I used my common sense to calm him down, and advised him to take it easy ,because this is not the end of the world. I even buttress my advise to him with a yoruba proverb that says: 'Eni to ba tori obirin kan ku, egberun agba ehin e koja', meaning: 'A man that kill himself because of a woman, has NEEDLESSLY lost thousands of women that might love him.' With my advise, the man's countenance changed miraculously and he calmed down, and thanked me for my advise, and he went back home. I do not know what happen after that; remember I told you that the man was a stranger. But I was very 'optimistic' that he took my advise to heart. May be, the man is reading this story now, who knows? Where ever he might today, I wish him good luck. :):):)

Dewdrops  # 4 | 05.10.2008 06:12

That brings me to another point. I know them; it is when some of our women are having other lovers elsewhere who are deceiving them that they say all of these jargons to belittle their husbands. Some of our women will say their men are not good in bed just to bring down their men at home. Our women should know that the grass is not greener elsewhere. “That your new boy friend who deceives you by bringing you roses every afternoon will change immediately he gets married to you. The ‘love in Tokyo’ is never perpetual. The honey-moon may soon be over. Some of our men will use you and dump you after sleeping with you. You have lost your husband who was there for you when things were not so rosy for you. Through thick and thin your husband was there. I say he was there at the beginning. Now you have chased two birds and lost the two. You have now lost your husband because of your greed and lack of wisdom.” “Hard I know………….2ce” will now be the new chorus that they sing. See your level of thinking? In 2008 you still feel men use and dump women(and vice versa) after they have both enjoyed each other's company?:lol: Let me educate you hon'... you shag me....I shag you.....God no ves. Everybody answer im papa name abeggggiiii. E sweet me, E sweet you....God no ves. E bitter me, E sweet you....God no ves. E sweet me, E bitter you....God no ves. Which wan come be "use" inside. Woman na rag? Abi na latrine? Wetin you dey use, wetin you dey dump?:rolleyes: Something wey full for road without price? Please write something else. Who are you preaching all these things to? :eek: It is not a sexist issue please. Even where there is disrespect.....people usually overcome such oversights and learned to grow from those encounters. Do we as humans not disrespect God? Not to talk of common man. Abeg hold brake for thia oooooooooooh! If you are not good in bed......too bad.:D I no go go back there........:lol: For what? Carry your money go suffer anoda hungry babe abeg....na only houseboy a fit take you do now.....saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Na spiritual love we dey for inside?:D I still love you but errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, coma go dey for inside that love. You must find ways to compensate for your handicap......if all else fails.....there is always a plan "B". Are we not human beings with needs? How many men go siddon with woman wey no sabi satisfy them? So why must I be suffering inside an unfulfilled marriage.......I will definitely leave before I cheat on you....maybe.....depends.......who knows....:lol: We do you think most divorces are caused by "irreconcilable" differences? Must everything be spelled out for all to read? We know what the deal is........one persin/or both parties don "knock engine" or no sabi do the thing as the other persin like am. Or the thing don staaaaaaaaaaaaaaale for eye to look.......I say there are some problems even the bible cannot solve........You berra know your shit! :cool: We don hear ooooooooooooooooooooooh. This gives the men the right to kill their wives? I really do not understand your whole point. Are the violent men to be held accountable for their beastly behaviours at all.......when men go out and have affairs and impregnate women, housegirls, pure water sellers and anything with a bushy hole.....do women kill them? Some widows are definitely in better situations than some married women. If tall fence no fall uakata for ground, small homeless goat no go climb over am spit, piss and shit put...waka pass. Respect is earned ok? There are some men that you don't even need to look at twice.....you will know that they command respect. Their mannerisms or carriage alone is enough signal that says "you can't touch this" or "don't even go there" or "don't even think about it". Even if the man is penniless......you have no choice but to respect him since you know his all-round worth. Why is that? Because they have done their homework as their fathers taught them, the material aspect becomes irrelevant. No be bible matter abeg. No be juju.:razz: All about communication and understanding. They know how to take charge and handle situations so women and children do not run amock in their houses.....money or no money.....but you must be good in bed.....the women will even look for money to feed them. If a man decides to turn himself into a "play thing" for some woman to mess with having given up his manliness....what do you expect? It is every man's responsibility to keep himself in a position of respect....so a fly will not disrespect him like a corpse. Same goes for women......once a punching bag....always a punching bag......even after the man stops punching you.....your spirit remains broken and irrepairable....despite all psychological and spiritual counsellings. Bottom line: Respect yourself first......then others will definitely respect you. Simple.

Khalil  # 5 | 05.10.2008 09:46

=ttonjo;276770> I do not agree with men beating their women, (under no circumstances). All these 'old fashion African mentality' should be a thing of the past. Why must the above mentioned behavior be seen as African! Is there no anyway to put it that it may truly capture the identity of the practitioners without making it look exceptionally African when in reality it is not? Khalilurrahman

ttonjo  # 6 | 05.10.2008 10:29

=Khalil;276830>Why must the above mentioned behavior be seen as African! Is there no anyway to put it that it may truly capture the identity of the practitioners without making it look exceptionally African when in reality it is not? Khalilurrahman I used the above phrase, because the main topic of the article is about 'Nigerian men killing their wives'. Remember I am an African man as well, a Nigerian for that matter. Therefore, there is nothing wrong for me calling a spade a spade. Okay, let me put it this way, 'Domestic Violence' is not the monopoly of African culture. It happen in every society and other cultures as well. One of the famous example was the case of OJ Simpson, about 13 years ago in USA, the famous actor was allegedly accused of killing his ex wife and her lover. The case was televised 'live' worldwide, and he won the case. We must not forget also about the brutal treatment of Afganistan's women by the dreaded 'Taliban islamic tribes' that treated women like second class citizen, before the invasion of that country by American troops in 2001, just to mention few example of brutality against women in various countries. However, coming back to Africa, because of the culture of polygamist in our society, 'some men' uses women as commodity of catch and carry, that is why I made the statement, 'old fashion African mentality.' I do hope I make myself clear?

nijalaw  # 7 | 05.10.2008 11:03

=>This was the same woman who was fetching water from a river to wash her dresses and drying them in the sun, now, she cannot simply use washing machine by herself to do laundry without complaining. This was a woman who used to go to the sawmill or forest to fetch firewood before she cooked; now she cannot use cooker to cook without complaining. This was a woman who used to go to ‘under the bridge’ at Ojuelegba and Ikeja to do million braids and she was the same person who used to enter Molue to Badagry for the same million braids, but now she cannot even drive her own car, she wants to carry Taxi to a far place to do her hair where the celebrities go. I believe that over 90% of Nigerian marriages are arranged. For a relationship to succeed not to talk of a union that should be till death do apart requires a lot of maturity, patience, understanding, give or take, luck, love & prayers. A lot of time has to be spent, quarrels & making up, sharing, caring & learning. There has to be attraction, there has to be love & there has to physical & spiritual union of both partners to make it work. It is not easy to live together but it's easier once both partners understand & respect themselves. I fell thrice to arranged ladies who were from my state or my home town, they were from good homes, impeccable & above board families, graduates, beautiful etc etc. Fortunately I never felt comfortable & I followed my heart. One of them was pretending, I discovered she was loose & later on I learnt the mother was not faithful as the husband was in the USA. One of them had a violent streak which I discovered per chance. I was afraid this woman would violently attack me when things go wrong. The other I just had no desire. I met my wife in a perfectly normal environment. I liked her, desired her & went after her. We dated for a year plus before we got engaged & eventually married. It's been 7 years now & it does not look like we will parting ways soon as I am comfortable & happy just as she is. It's not rosy but we eventually smoothen out the bumps for the better. There are some exceptions but most arranged marriages do not work. In Nigeria most of the women because of culture & religion eventually succumb & assume the subservient role. These unions are just going through the motions & are just going on for convenience sake. Outside of Africa, the middle east & asia women are liberated & have rights. This greatly impacts on our women & hence they become affected positively or negatively. Our men should know that they are living in a different society & the culture, rights & laws of that society come first to ours & they should adapt to it. Can you flog your housemaid in the USA not to talk of even your own child. This is probably done every 10 seconds in Nigeria. The bottom line is you must really get to know, love, have desire & be comfortable to who you are going to get married to. If it's just because she is good in bed or from your town or a good home or recommended by your relatives then you are heading for disaster & could end up being a murderer if you are in the USA. Any woman who a man does not satisfy in bed & still marries that man, should take whatever she gets later in life because of infidelity. Honestly you must sample your wife to be sexually & know if you are compatible; otherwise it is a recipe for disaster.

emj  # 8 | 05.10.2008 13:41

Yep, Big K is liable.....but u are more liable than him...u wrote this article. The question to really ask is how well do you know your partner? Helping to improve the educational/economic status of your wife does not give you the audacity to boss her around...u turn her to a Slave just becos u sent her to school to Study Nursing....hence encroaching on her economic, social and financial right, not to talk about her fundamental human right....yes she has a right to earn a living....u did her a favour cos u are Adnan Kashoggi...so freaking what...ain't there men who've sent their wives to school and never demanded that she must tipatipa by force contribute, hand over her pay or even become sole-provider? You went on and on about a woman taken from squalor and removed from poverty to come and experience better life abroad...wats so grand about living abroad? Tell me, wat exactly is grand about doing what u ought to do anywaz....ain't u da one that decided that u want a life partner? Why can't u do the washing if she does not want to wash? What's wrong in taking a Taxi if one does not feel like driving and u da driver is not available?What are u da head of the home for anywaz?...u were positioned to make a difference in her life:eek: Da name John Idowu Olorunshogo is suspect...i smell a rat, but lest i digress from the koko of dis discuss...why Nigerian men are killing their wives....da why is the fact that they expected too much from a Stranger....most of them are married to strangers whose world view is opposite to theirs...VQAS. The Laws abroad does not favour men and in some cases women...i've heard of Women paying Spousal support and Child Support to men...of course we know that the law is an Azz....and if not for the same laws, most Nigerian women would have been turned to punching bags and some are dead becos of various reasons. Most this days experience what is known as Psychological abuse...leaves no visible mark, but enough to make the receiver mad..and the abuser look good in public.....the men are beginning to catch up and adapt to the environment and are no longer preys. You ended your very interesting and enlightening article is such a way and manner that makes one to be in dire need of a Spade(don't ask me what i need it for...or i will zap u)....yes u lambasted us all...women, and failed woefully anywaz to make the men to see themselves for who they really are....those men whose focus is on the Benjamins and Queenie's Head only....not really in love but rather lust about what their newly acquired Cash-Cow can fetch.....:cool: In conclusion, both men and women have their share of blame in what leads to total collapse and breakdown of relationships that leads to pathological violence....and invariably death. Know your Partner, respect each other, and never take anyone for granted...that u're blessed to make a difference in his/her life does not mean that they shld be beholden to you forever....no condition is permanent:wink: PS>>>....And here is an interesting article from da Vanguard:- http://www.vanguardngr.com/content/view/18445/121/ And dis inhouse discuss on apposite subject matter.... http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/forum/man-talk/22334-poor-husband-rich-wife.html

2plus2  # 9 | 05.10.2008 17:07

Na wa. Can I ask a question, why are we always speaking about the same topic. We know what the issues are, everyone has made comments on them at some point or the other. There is an increase in the percentage of Nigerian men that kill their wives, why? We should be asking ourselves this and seeking to develop solutions. It cannot continue, because we are having a large population of children left without a parent and being placed in foster care in various countries of the world. What will happen to those children? What chances do they have? As for the character that wrote the article, what can I say to you? Would you be writing all these things, if this were your sister? I guess, not! You must be really living in the dark ages. Let me remind you we are in 2008. MURDER is a crime. Torture is a crime of universal jurisdiction under international law. That means that irrespective of where it occurs, any country in the world can try you for it. Whereas many women would tolerate intolerable marital situations, in their home countries because there are no remedies and no support structures for them. They do not have to do that abroad because the structures, rememdies, and awareness is already there. They realise that they do not have to live with domestic torture, dehumanisation and cruelty. Our communities abroad really need to wake up and smell the coffee. We need to promote healthy relationships. We need a solution to our children in foster care and the murdered women who went on a journey of "marriage". This is my two pennies worth.

Soul Sista  # 10 | 05.10.2008 19:47

=Dewdrops;276760> * * * I just love it when people like you twist the realities to suit your aims. * * * I would like to know women like Dr. Okonjo-Iweala, Nancy Pelossi, Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin to mention a few. Don't think they disrespected their husbands. They worked as a team..............with mutual respect and admiration......even where not perfect. Welcome to the 21st century darling. More importantly, I would love to meet the men who have nortured and found them worthy as wives to keep and work with. I see Mr Palin trotting behind his lovely wife with full support and the Americans are not calling him a "woman wrapper" abi? It is only in the African community and Nigeria especially will such a matter come up as a result of their almighty religion and culture. Ex-President, Bill Clinton was supporting his wife during her presidential campaign...even where she failed to acknowledge him in her famous "I am a proud Mother/American/Democrat/Senator speech....did he disrespect her for that? No....because he focused on the most important thing at the moment......her success......as a reflection of himself. She has never disrespected him by discussing his numerous "ashewo" escapades with the press either. Now, that is team work.....for the benefit of the whole family. Perhaps, if you stepped into the 21st century like the rest of the world, you would probably address this topic with a more rational state of mind. * * * There is no justification for taking another person's life....man, woman or child. * * * Word! I especially like the invitation to the 21st century. The piece is so unbelieveably neaderthal and native, there is no other way to describe it. Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling

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