“I won’t marry!” I used to shout when I was little. The thought of having to propose to a lady filled me with mortal embarrassment. And when I was in Primary School I moved about with a group of friends that vowed never to talk to girls. Then I didn’t understand my parents’ response whenever I made what I imagined was this very noble declaration. “Nonsense. Of course you will get married”, my Mum always responded gently, but also somewhat firmly. Gradually, through the years, I outgrew this childish frame of mind, but it was not until I graduated from university and commenced my master’s degree that I began to take the issue of marital life seriously. Interestingly, it took a heartbreak – the failure of my first romantic relationship – to bring things to a head.

This catastrophe had a positive side: picking up the pieces and salvaging what I could of my shattered heart, it led me to conduct a major self-assessment. I designed a personal-development programme and came up with a set of goals that I thought would enable me overcome the flaws that I felt were responsible for this failure in my first shot at love. Today, I would say I have attained many of the goals I set for myself in this regard and am doing quite well professionally, relationally, and so on. It’s been 8 long years since that first breakup and a lot of water has passed under the bridge, but I never imagined I would get past 35 before seeing myself get married. Still, optimistically, inexorably, daily, I know I’m getting closer to the mark.

Yet my progress appears to be too slow for others, and those around never let me forget that I’m yet to fulfill this all-important rite of passage. The pressure keeps piling – along with the snide remarks. And, as much younger cousins and guys that were by far my juniors back in secondary school announce their wedding plans, the pressure gives way to ridicule. I pretend not to notice when neighbours, playing on the Yoruba love for titles, cheekily refer to me as “Brother so and so” instead of “Daddy”.

There are those who are genuinely worried. How do you cope with all the loneliness, they wonder? There are those who assume that if you’re not married you must be sleeping around, leading a reckless life. If not, some think, something must be wrong with you. Perhaps you’re impotent or something. Perhaps you’re reluctant to shoulder responsibility. Somehow, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know how little your children will be when you’re already old and grey?

The situation is all the more ridiculous with all the girls purportedly out there, waiting for someone to propose to them - like a striker on the soccer field wasting so many clear chances at goal. Even my most intimate advisers, even my most understanding confidantes, are getting fed up. I watch their amusing but sometimes irritating efforts to match-make me. I’ve been Best Man for all my friends during their weddings. But after a while, out of embarrassment, I had to start declining invitations to perform this role. One by one, I’ve watched all my closest pals quit bachelorhood and cross into the sanctum of marriage. Looking around, I see that I’m the last one left.

Why, I ask myself, have I held back for this long? What are the reasons that make people in my situation delay for such a time that they end up marrying “late”? I try to conduct a reality check, to go through the reasons that could be responsible for my situation:

Perhaps I’m just not the “marrying type”.

In American and European societies people might decide, purely as a matter of personal choice, not to marry. They just don’t see the need for it. They prefer to be single, and cherish their freedom more; freedom to pursue their professional and personal interests. In the same way I think of how, presently, I spend all my time engrossed in the things I enjoy – waking up early in the mornings and heading straight for the gym, then burying myself in my books through the whole length of the day. I suspect much of this freedom and indulgence would be curtailed if I was married. But personal independence, hobbies and vocations can never supersede the warmth and comfort of family life – and I do believe in family life.

Perhaps too I’m preoccupied with achieving my financial and professional pursuits.

Men from the Ibo tribe get married in their forties because of this. They have a high achievement culture, and the bride price where they come from is high. I must confess that I carried a bit of this mentality around while I was pursuing my PhD, but I’ve since attained this milestone that used to be the centerpiece of my focus. I’ve achieved most of the things I had planned to achieve before marriage. And it’s not for want of finances (although everyone could do with a bit more!) or occupational stability that I’m not married.

Perhaps I’m still sowing wild oats.

These days I find that as I’ve attained some level of professional and financial success, I have all the opportunities and resources to play around. God has His plans for me, and the devil – that wily old bugger - definitely has his. Everyday I’m confronted with detours that try to lure me away from my focus, that could really turn me into something else, and I wonder at the man I would have become if God did not have His hand in my affairs. I’m no saint, but it’s definitely not for sleeping around that I’m not married today.

Perhaps I’m still searching for “that special one”.

Aha!... Am I not being too choosy? I sometimes ask myself. A friend, exasperated, once complained, “If I introduce this one to you go say she dey too short. If I bring another one come you go say she too tall. She dey too yellow... She dey too black... She dey too ugly... She dey too fine…!” Much has been made by those close to me about my impossible-to-fathom taste in women. Sometimes I wonder myself why the specifications I have in mind are that important to me. I don’t know why they count that much, but I’ve come to see that, through various situations and interactions, no matter how much I try to change my thinking, these things just continue to remain a central aspect of my decision making when it comes to the choice of a life partner. Don’t ask me why, because I’ve now ceased to ask myself. I’ve come to peace and have decided to follow my heart.

What I’m looking for is not out of this world. I’m not looking for the most beautiful or best-behaved girl. Like every other chap has, I’m sure, I’ve met ladies interested in me that I didn’t feel attracted to. And I’ve met ladies I’ve pursued and proposed to who have told me I’m a sweet guy and a prospect any woman would fall over, but sorry, maybe I should try their friend. This brings up the age-old question: is it really impossible to find someone you’re attracted to that appreciates you just as much? Some might say that is an impossible question to answer. Some might feel it is too risky spending the better part of life trying to finding out.

Yet I look at people who have “made it” in this sphere – who have found that special one – and I know it is possible. I look at the Atakes, a lovely “young” couple. These are not actors starring in movies or characters from fantasy novels or anything like that, but real-life folk; flesh-and-blood. During a magazine interview when Dorothy Atake was asked if she ever felt threatened by any girlfriends her handsome, boyish-looking husband Eyimofe (PhD, Senior Advocate of Nigeria) might have, she smiled amusedly and said, “The question is, does he have any?” A picture is etched in my mind of their family with the three children; the father bouncing the youngest, a cute chubby girl wearing diapers, on his knee. The Atakes, youthful as they look, are approaching their 50’s – looks like they had their kids quite late. In another interview Eyimofe was asked what he, a silver spoon kid who has seemed to go through life without any hassles, liked about himself. “What I like about myself,” he said, gazing into the distance, “is that I’ve faced some real tough challenges in this life, and have successfully overcome them”.

I look at other couples I admire - my uncle Kenny with his tall slim wife (he married at 38, very late for even his times). I look at my neighbour Alex, his fine family with every member – even down to the nephew and niece that regularly come to stay with him – all very well mannered. Alex has a very young wife, and seems also to have married late. It appears to me all these people I hold in esteem have had to go through some significant process to end up with the kind of beautiful spouses and homes they have. Well, if that is what it takes, I’m more than willing to pay the price.

What is the key to building beautiful relationships, to finding your soul mate? Arielle Ford is a businesswoman who has gained worldwide popularity as the publicist for many bestselling authors. For years she wished could manifest, in her love life, the kind of success she was experiencing in her business. Today, describing her husband, she says she knew within hours of meeting him that he was her soulmate. But she also shares that she realizes he was no off-chance occurrence; he didn’t happen by mistake. Arielle believes that attracting her soul mate was the result of years of work – years of preparing herself, her attitude, her relational skills, her self esteem...

That, I would say, has been the crux of my strategy all this while toward getting married: developing myself to be worthy of “that special one”. And I believe, like Arielle and all the people I admire, I will come to be counted among those who it can be said of them that, during their lifetime, they did find their soulmate.

ryetazfactory@yahoo.com

Robot  # 1 | 19.08.2008 00:25

...Read the full article.

enna inot  # 2 | 19.08.2008 04:06

Hello Olawale, Really enjoyed ur article and i dey feel u big time.........You know the funny thing with humans is our presumptious spirit assuming we understand people better than themselves and that everyone will behave in the 'exact same manner'.which is why family and friends begin to worry when one reaches the 'marriageable age'.They forget that some people may marry'early' and not make a success of their marriage while others will marry much 'later' and be very successful at it! Though,i can understand the genuine concern and fears of relatives & friends who wonder why u may seem to be dragging your feet.But ,dont let anyone criticise you for being choosy,come to think of it is there anything in life we do not choose? (except the family you are born into!) If we spend so much time and resources choosing our clothes,shoes,cars,house to live in ,food to eat, etc etc ,things that are here and gone tomorrow,why shouldnt you be more careful in choosing who u intend to live with for the rest of your life:exclaim::exclaim: My brother,Each one to what works for him oh!!Like you rightly noted,years spent as a single person also helps you develop qualities that will make u better suited for that 'person' when she comes along.:wink::wink:All the best!

Dewdrops  # 3 | 19.08.2008 04:17

=Robot;4295085214>...Read the full article. That, I would say, has been the crux of my strategy all this while toward getting married: developing myself to be worthy of “that special one”. And I believe, like Arielle and all the people I admire, I will come to be counted among those who it can be said of them that, during their lifetime, they did find their soulmate. Amen! I wish you all the best. Do what makes you happy including remaining single for the rest of your life. As long as you are happy, nothing else matters!:cool:

Mikky jaga  # 4 | 19.08.2008 06:33

My friend, who gave you the permission to be thinking of marriage at your age? Small childrens of nowadays! They will not wait to grow up before thinking of marriage. By the time you are 65, you would have become mature and ready for marriage. All these choosing between too tall, too dark, too fat etc would have become unimportant to you. All you will say that time will be I need a wife. So, don't worry about marriage yet. There is still ample time for you.

Writer Girl  # 5 | 19.08.2008 07:53

Dear Olawale, What do you personally think is the reason why you aren't married yet? Sometimes our thinking can lead us to the answers we seek. Also, do you socialise? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sounded like you spend all day with professional matters. I'll be back. Please post a response. And stay well! W.G.

Jagunlabi  # 6 | 19.08.2008 11:13

I feel you bro, at least something on the lighter side(though equally important), apart from all these thievery and jaguda. Yes, the issue of marriage is a very sensitive one, in which i believe it is not how early, but how well. Though tieing the knot early has it's advantages, doing it later(or the time you believe is right) would be more important. The point is that once you are not looking for Miss perfect(as i believe, you are not perfect, neither any one of us), when you meet"her, her would say i've met "him" and before you know it, wedding bells are ringing. So, bro, i wish you d best, but no read book too much( i see sey, u sabi book well well, masters, misses,gbogbo gbo gbo eh) as you might just be talking vocabulary to your wife and she wants tender loving care(TLC). Just call us to come chop rice, or as you be oyinbo man, make be na fish and chips, anyhow make u call us.

lateesha  # 7 | 19.08.2008 11:27

Better to remain unmarried that turn all "Iheme" on the woman after a couple of years

BiafranPrincess  # 8 | 20.08.2008 22:36

=lateesha;4295085438>Better to remain unmarried that turn all "Iheme" on the woman after a couple of years Abeg explain the 'iheme' slang cos e b like say I'm out of touch with happenings on the square/9jaland. This matter of marriage is a very sensitive one o esp nowadays with breakups and discontent all around us. My advise: Do not follow d crowd, if your priority is 2 find a soulmate, then be true 2 yourself. People marry for different reasons or a combination of reasons depending on what they perceive as priority: love; companionship; security; friendship; lust; societal pressure; Deceit; revenge; fear; pride; lack of confidence; ego............................... In d end whether u marry, whether u no marry, we are all complete in HIM. na 1+1 =1, that is the mystery. u're blessed if u do, u're blessed if u don't. People often mistakenly think that another person can 'complete' them or make them 'happy' but this is a myth because we are each made whole and our completeness is from within. You can only share your happiness or completeness with others. This myth negates the marriage mystery equation of of 1+1=1 ..qed and turns it to 0.5 + 0.5=1, which is the literal/ normal mathematical 1 and is bound to end in divorce or dissatisfaction. So after more than a decade in marriage, my take is: Your spouse in marriage is really just a 'witness' to what an awesome, complete, wonderful human being you are. So u must love urself so much and love the other person so much that u ask them to witness the beauty that is 'YOU' on this earth. Ka Chineke mezie okwu!

lateesha  # 9 | 20.08.2008 22:56

There was a thread on one Mr Iheme in Minnesota that killed his young wife

lionking  # 10 | 21.08.2008 00:52

There was a thread on one Anthonia Iheme whose family sold her as a blood sacrifice to a Mr Iheme, a nutcase in Minnesota.

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