The world's most outstanding stand-up act just did a "waka-pass" into Ghana last week. Show over, he left Ghana but not after delivering his punch line: I know there are rumours in Ghana: "…Bush is coming to try to convince you to put a big military base here". That's baloney. Or, as we say in Texas, that's bull. The worrying aspect of this humour artist's recent Africa tour is the deliberate "waka-pass" he pulled over Niger Delta that made MEND ask for his intervention in south south. One must always remember that Warri is not just an important Niger Delta city but also the capital of African stand-up comedy which happens to be an intricate sector of the world's third largest film industry known as Nollywood. Just what one stand-up comedian can do such a Warri "waka-pass"? Only George the "Walker".

It took Walker exactly six good days to complete his African waka through Tanzania, Rwanda, Benin, Liberia, Ghana and Kenya, where he did some dance actions with the springing Massai. Warri people saw this and hoped he will play enter area. But Walker has no worry for Warri. He just "waka-pass"ed. At this juncture, may I please explain this recurring "waka pass" as a term invented by one or two prolific directors in Nollywood, the "third largest film industry behind Bollywood of India and Hollywood of…bla-bla-bla". "Waka-pass" describes those movie extras who are required to walk from one end across the camera shot to the other end without muttering or saying a single line. Such extras are needed especially in police stations where some policeman will either be hitting the poor "waka-pass", or jacking the poor "waka-pass" by his trouser waist or belt, dragging the poor "waka-pass" or kicking and shouting a couple of "sharaps" to this unfortunate actor.

It all started in a police station movie set location of (name withheld), one of the kpa-kpa-kpa directors; another term describing filmmakers who possess the special talent of shooting forty-four scenes in less than one day! To save both human cost and human presence, these directors use and reuse the same "waka-pass" actors over and over again. Since they do not have to say anything, why waste time and money looking for more people? They are recorded from the front, the back and unbelievable side angles. With make up and costume, Nollywood needs just three minutes to make five people out of one person. This is magic but not the aim of this write up.

So that day, on set, an actor who's already done eight roles is required to change into a police uniform, use his right fist to punch his baton into his open left palm while walking across the camera lenses. The director screamed at him: "when you hear `action! ` just "waka-pass" from there, do what I told you till you reach here!" I watched the director's monitor as the actor did just that. I also discovered a trick. The cameraman recorded this guy without his face showing! He tilted the camera so that the policeman will be seen with his shoulder down. What the IG, Mr Okiro, did not observe is that the police "waka-pass" is dressed in accurate uniform and a pair of shoes! Shoes! Black shoes! Wow!

I can't but wonder why Oga IG is screaming Baloney just like a typical fan of Bush's! This is not Texas, so why is he asking to show Nollywood producers how to write bull on the sheets of Nollywood scripts? Here, one dude is talking about American soldiers already on ground as a rumour while another does not see the face of a "waka-pass" wearing a clean and dignifying police uniform. Both are insisting that we are all full of sheets because we cannot tell between rumours and film tricks. In Walker's case, he is a world-renowned stand-up comedian who's just thrown a new punch line in Ghana, before an applauding audience. What about Mr. Okiro and his planned series of seminars on film production? What I do not understand is why we are finding too many comedies in recent tragedies?

Uncle Umaru swore to reform the police and a huge applause followed such a declaration. As we wait to see the dividends of this reform, more armed robbers begin to attack more people. What a plot! Is this a kind of twenty first century tragicomedy, or what? Before we can even understand what is happening, I overheard the police IG telling us about one of his Rambo moves. An SOS call came somewhere in Abuja from a family attacked by armed robbers. Oga just went into the house and killed all the armed robbers and saved the family! Him, Arnold Schwarzenegger must be very green with envy right now. I guess he's telling himself "see what happens when Terminator endorses McCain?".

As I see Oga IG so, he will make a good Nollywood writer. But the problem remains: how are we going to achieve all these film tricks and visual effects when we have only five days to make part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4 of the "coming soon" flick titled "Sheet"? Five days. Not just shooting on location but editing in the studio, composition, production and laying of theme music, soundtrack and sound effects, postproduction, trailers and master the movie telling the story of an unknown policeman. In this movie, God forbid the protagonist be a "waka pass" officer. He and his colleagues will not only be courteous to innocent citizens but a lot friendlier. The story of police men and women who must not scream at the slightest chance but reduce their voices and talk to their fellow human beings. A police cast who will find reason to pick up a dictionary, check up and memorise a five-word expression consisting of "fundamental", "human", "right", "of", "every" and "citizen". Actually, six; "every" was not there when I wrote earlier.

The pet name for Nollywood directors is "Able D". Since Oga Okiro will be the scriptwriter, producer, executive producer and director (this is kind of normal in Nollywood), he is now our Able D. Able D's first task is to make sure his police crew is up and doing. First, the costume manager should make every effort to wash the costumes, iron them and polish their shoes. Remove all rubber slippers from movie locations and replace them with clean pairs of socks. Next is the props manager. It does not help the production if the equipment keeps being missing! Especially two helicopters! What the BULL is that? Two helicopters? Guns and bullets? What a Baloney! Even if it means getting more assistance, please do because all the car props need proper tune up and extensive detail car wash, especially the engine chambers!

Another important department is welfare. Do stop serving artists and crewmembers baloney sandwiches! In case you have not heard, the next Texas Walker says the meat is from Texan bulls! Stay away from such unhealthy feeding and on no account should you serve them "pure water". One more important task is locations. You will need a seasoned location manager who needs to avoid all the real life police barracks. If you chose more photogenic locations it may attract Barrack Obama to Warri, if he finally replaces Mr Walker. In this case when Barrack tries his own "waka-pass" from Kenya, he may land a cameo in your next flick, how about that? Hear! From the stables of OKIROKOSON International Film Industries, Idumota, the makers of "Police Sheet" part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4, comes yet another blockos-bursting movie; Funny! Furious! Comic! Tragic! Humour! Horror! Suspense! Action! Romance! Ignorance! Special guest waka-pass: (his first cameo appearance) Barrack Obama! Whatever…

What I still do not get is this: why is it exactly when president Yar'adua promises to reform the police that the IG thinks it wise to diversify the police functions into film production in general and script writing in particular? Does it really make sense if at the same time more citizens are manhandled and molested by more armed robbers on higher scales? What role does a police sheet of paper for a movie got to do with the loss of lives that haunt innocent citizens day and night? Unfortunately, it is worse with the poor and helpless. Nobody is coming to their rescue since everybody is attacking them. Armed robbers and policemen prey on these lowest classes of the country. I see these two groups as the real Africom Baloney, what George Walker Bush will conveniently retail in his trade mark mischievous smile and knock it home with a couple  Texan accents to invent a new stand-up punch line screaming: "Bull" and "Sheet".

Azubuike Erinugha teaches Communication and Business English in Erfurt, Germany.

Robot  # 1 | 22.02.2008 21:22

The world's most outstanding stand-up act just did a "waka-pass" into Ghana last ...Read the full article.