My sister-in-law came home with stories of how wonderful were the toilets she used in Japan . As we sat around her hanging on to her every word, reliving her experience with her, we asked avid questions. You see, in my family the ‘mummy London ’ syndrome has still not left our bodies. We seldom get the opportunity to travel, so anyone among us who does is elevated almost to the status of a god or goddess. We stop short at rolling out the drums to meet them at the airport with a retinue from our clan head. However when they get home we drink hungrily from the well of information they return with and inhale deeply that smell of newness that accompanies everybody that comes back from overseas.

My sister-in-law is one of the lucky ones. She has a job that sends her all over the world and she is the only one I know that has travelled to Asia . Although the glitter has worn of those who come back from America , London , Canada and such like for me, I am still enthralled by people who visit faraway eastern lands, expecting that they would have met strange deities with large heads, smooth pearly skin, slit eyes and many arms. This time, my interest was not in Buddha, what she had to say about Japan , this matter of toilets seriously fascinated me.

Toilets in Japan ! You can set the seat to your preferred temperature, from cold to warm to hot. Most toilets I know do not even have seats, especially not the only one in my house. I broke the seat off in exasperation one day when I yet again felt the wetness against my skin as I sat down to do my thing. One of the men in my life got there before me and though they tinkled, they were not good enough to wipe the seat. So this toilet for which you could set seat temperature caught my fancy. If you leave it on hot permanently (PHCN permitting) all wetness will evaporate, hopefully with the germs and it will put paid to my days of hanging.

The toilet had other things. You can select a scent to smell while you are in the little room. Imagine, that means beans and milk will no longer hold a fear for you and those bad shrimps accidentally consumed can be more elegantly evacuated from your system without you coming out to see embarrassed looks that glance quickly away just before you lock gaze. Hands artfully draped over nose and mouth so as not to seem rude.

If you are the type who likes to relax while you do your business, there is the option of music in Japan . Classical, hip-hop, jazz, rock and roll, all you need to do is to push a button to take your pick. When you are done doing, you get water to your preferred temperature to wash and a blast of warm air to dry off so that you do not make a mess or get your hands soiled wiping up. The toilet will do all for you at the light touch of a press pad. Although there is water and scented soap available to wash the hands if you choose to go down the primitive route of using soft and skin friendly toilet paper that is also available.

You must understand why these Japanese toilets hold such fascination for me.  The sum total of my experience with toilets I got from Nigeria, a country where the facility is so rare as to make people leave little mounds of faeces on every green bush even all it is, is a tuft of grass, white sand, body of water and by the side of every walk way.  Walking through the streets of Lagos sometimes is like playing hopscotch and the way Nigerian men mark their territory on every freestanding pole or fence makes you wonder why they are not all landed gentry.  Stranger still is that war has not broken out, given that each marked territory is challenged several times a day by counter markers making it possible for ammonia to be distilled with little effort, the only equipment  needed being eyes and noses that smart from the pungent smell.

My sister-in-law also mentioned that to flush a toilet in Japan , all you have to do is wave your hand over the sensor and you would be wise to have moved far enough out of range as the flush mechanism is strong enough to suck in anything solid in sight. Such a toilet will surely put paid to the countless buckets of water you need to send stubborn logs flecked with undigested food, no doubt greedily consumed, past the U at the base of the toilet bowl. Having spent a significant 5 years of my life in different hostels of Unilag, I have perfected the art of angling the bucket just so, so that the water swirls into an eddy strong enough to send the offending object on its way in one go.

In our country we have mostly not been effectively toilet trained and our habit for releasing body waste every and anywhere has been encouraged by the absence of functional toilet facilities in homes, offices and other public places. Many of the big expensive supermarkets – Park ‘n’ Shop and others in its ilk – do not have toilet facilities for shoppers. But you can hardly blame them since our markets that play host to tens of thousands of people each day also boast no such facility. The best you will get is a crudely constructed lean-to, staffed usually by an old toothless woman armed with a cane and an old can. Her job is to offer you a can full of water for about ten naira to enable you clean up after you use the hole in the ground in the centre of the lean-to or chase you away with the cane if you refuse to pay up. There is no explaining to her that the only reason you came calling is that you can barely move your legs for fear that it will all come down. And heckling you for a ten-naira note when the smallest and only denomination you have in your bag is a five hundred naira note is not helping your plight.

You are reluctant to give it to her because you know that she will never come back from making change. This note stands between you and poverty and losing it means that you will have to walk home and very likely skip lunch tomorrow. But you have no choice and you give her the five hundred naira because if you let this accident happen you will still have to walk home and endure sympathetic looks from strangers and pretending not to hear their comments about a beautiful girl and her father’s other wife who must truly be wicked. It is peculiar how ill luck and personal disaster bequeaths you with beauty and goodness in Nigeria .

In offices and public buildings where toilets exist, their presence is announced by the unpleasant smells unsuccessfully doused by cheap deodorisers. To get to the toilet itself you have to wade through ankle deep pools of liquid of unknown origins. Most people are tempted to and probably do add their own contribution to the pool instead of making it all the way across to the cracked brown bowl that used to be white, nestled  unpromisingly in one corner of the dim room.

Succour came for the more savvy among us with the proliferation of fast food shops. If you can get past the embarrassment of buying no food then you may just nip inside to use their toilets. Otherwise, for the price of a sausage roll you can buy your self, access for a few minutes. Many of these toilets are surprising clean although you cannot say the same thing for the food sold in the same place. It is easy to conclude that if no wash hand basin is provided, staff will not wash their hands before they return to the counter to serve your food. Many of them see nothing wrong with picking their noses and scratching heads then using the same hands to serve you food. Dirty mops and mop buckets are also often parked next to the food display units so it is advisable not trust anything that comes out of their kitchen.

Their toilets are not as luxurious as the Japanese ones I was told about but they suffice. Some of them have power assisted flush – you dip your hand in the water tank and pull strongly on the hooked component. Don’t worry you will know it when you see it.  I have more faith in the toilets of the fast food places than I have in the plastic ones that dot the Lagos landscape. I have never seen anybody go into those although I keep having visions of being caught in one when it is removed for emptying, as I believe they must be emptied periodically. In that situation, how does one raise an alarm?

While I dream about the luxury of Japanese toilets and await the advent of my tall dark handsome suitor who will pay for a honeymoon in Japan , the Lagos State Commissioner for the environment has been having dreams of her own. She has decided to go into partnership with petrol filling stations to increase the number of toilets that will be available for public use in the state. The proposal is that each filling station will provide and maintain in clean and functional condition, 4 toilets for use by the public.  I hope that Lagos State Water Board will be brought into this arrangement and maybe just maybe, she will be able to persuade a commissioner or minister of something in Japan to supply those dream toilets so that I will not have to sell my love to the highest bidder.

Robot  Villager

# 1 My sister-in-law came home with stories of how wonderful were the toilets she used...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 18.02.2008 10:03

Marin  Villager

# 2 Great article, Mutti. My dream toilets are those with automatic wipes. The whole lack of proper toilet facilities in Nigeria thing na waya. My mom taught me at a very early age not sit on toilet seats outside the house. Even if she hadn't the state of some toilets would have taught me. Even though I live alone with my hubby I sometimes catch myself hovering over our toilet- subconciously :p, on a couple of occasions, my husband has caught me like that and gave me a puzzled look, before I realised what I was doing. Or maybe its because our toilet is cold and we don't have temperature regulators like the Japanese toilets :D Posted by Marin| 18.02.2008 12:59

Shoko Loko Bangoshe  Villager

# 3 Great article as usual, Mutti. Truly, Western-style toilets do not work well with Nigerians - either the bowl is broken, or the flush handle doesn't work, or there's no water to flush the system, or the system is blocked, or something. This is why my experience of using toilets while at uni was always accompanied with apprehension. You never knew what to expect when walking into the toilet stall. Sometimes, you'd be lucky and find a bowl that had just clean water. Sometimes, you'd see a bowl which was stuffed with tissues - no need to guess what was underneath - but at least, it didn't smell. Sometimes, the bowl would be full to overflowing with every shade imaginable of sh*t. And then there were the bowls whose contents were so toxic that some person had decided to cover them with a lid. But why go looking at Japan for the solution? Di ting wey we dey look for Sokoto, e dey for sokoto trousah - I say bring back the shalanga! Posted by Shoko Loko Bangoshe| 18.02.2008 13:20

Dimaanu  Villager

# 4 Simply brilliant article! I found myself enthralled by the vivid...scratch that!.....very vivid imageries. @Mutti, I just recently started reading your articles and I think that you a very good writer. You have a way of presenting serious issues in way that both entertains and informs. Posted by Dimaanu| 18.02.2008 17:18

.bebi  Villager

# 5 Fantastic article.Took me back to secondary school,where I learnt to pee at an angle to make sure it didnt travel down my legs. Mr Biggs has tried for those of us that cant pee on roadsides.I marvel at women that can lift their skirts not caring for who sees them,to do their thing. Posted by .bebi| 18.02.2008 17:38

Bode_Boluz  Villager

# 6 Haa haa!! Please Check out this review of toilet technology that may be the alternative for some locations in Nigeria. As far as I am concerned. Solid Private investment is what is needed in this sector. (Get it!! hee hee Solid...) Some enterprising souls need to look at other models in the developed world and work to support services in water and waste management that caters to the existing and aspiring Middle Class. Take the responsibility for looking after the process from the beginning to the end. In short be responsible for the whole cycle. They are the only Class of people that would appreciate it by supporting and paying for what is on offer. I remember the time I stayed with my GrandFather in Idumota in the 70's... The "Agbepo" in his mask, shorts and gloves. Uggh!! Poor Guy. I could not understand how such a situation could have developed in a country that claimed to be enlightened. Where were the sewers, and effective drains that serviced the city?? It was no wonder I applauded Jakande when he changed it so every house had a pit toilet. The fact that there were folks willing to carry containers of human waste on their heads with no more than flimsy clothing and a bad face mask for personal dignity, meant that there are and will be folks that will work in the such an industry and do the jobs required. I was watching a program on BBC 1 a few weeks ago where they were comparing jobs being done by folks in the UK. I did not surprise me to see that an employee of the water company Thames Water working hands on in clearing solid waste in the sewer systems in London made £24,000 with overtime. The pay is commensurate with the job. Not to talk of the added medical and social benefits he had as back up. Nigeria can have this, but it cannot be for everybody at first. Once people realise this, we will be on the right track. Posted by Bode_Boluz| 18.02.2008 18:41

Bode_Boluz  Villager

# 7 A step in the right direction! Can anyone on the ground give us more info on this development of Tourist toilets clean up... that is posted on the BBC Site? Please any info would be appreciated. Do you know anyone who manages one? How are they used or managed near where you live? Are there ANY where you live?? Anything from the home front will do. Posted by Bode_Boluz| 25.02.2008 13:57

Mutti  Villager

# 8 Thanks folks for reading. @ Dimaanu Thanks for your encouraging comments. You are kind. =Dimaanu;4294989834>Simply brilliant article! I found myself enthralled by the vivid...scratch that!.....very vivid imageries. @Mutti, I just recently started reading your articles and I think that you a very good writer. You have a way of presenting serious issues in way that both entertains and informs. Posted by Mutti| 25.02.2008 17:59