My half sister on my father’s side wants to get married to my half brother on my mother’s side. What can ever be wrong with that? They are not related to each other so I fail to see what the expletives that have been zinging around our various family homes are all about. One of the dear parents even went so far as to say abomination over his dead body and I, beloved daughter that I am, uncharitably thought over his dead body it will be if he keeps raising his blood pressure over the matter. He of all people should see that whatever trait it was that attracted him to my mother and vice versa must still be present in my brother and in my sister. If there should be anyone complaining, it should be me, seeing as I am the one most directly affected, caught betwixt as I am.

Mother is happy in her new family and will probably need to be introduced to father again to recognise him, it is that long ago! And father, even though he claims he’ll know mother anywhere (he also has another family that is how come I have a half brother and a half sister looking to marry each other in the first instance), will never take the initiative to approach mother if only to make peace. They have not spoken to each other in as long as I have been born and I tell you many more moons than you can number have waxed and waned since then. But to tell you about the crisis that is rocking my families now, this star crossed love affair, I have asked parents what the problem is and neither has been able to tell me precisely except that it is an abomination, it is against culture, it is against tradition. The truth is I am not close to tradition nor do I know much about culture because we were not raised as such by the same parents who are now using culture and tradition as their alibi for not wanting to be rational about a straight forward issue. What foxes me more than anything else is that mother comes from a very different cultural background (mixed Edo and Cotonou ) than father who is mixed Igbo and Yoruba so I am not sure which culture we should be applying here.

The lovers are relying totally on me to convince the parents to approve of the marriage so we can move forward to making plans for the wedding. They both want it to be big. The wedding of course is another matter, if we ever get to the wedding phase neither parent (my mother or father) wants a big wedding but their spouses (I guess those would be my steps) do. This very fact should tell the parents that their children are different individuals and may make a hit of their own relationship and I have proposed it as an argument in support of the marriage but they remain adamant. My mother calls it inbreeding even though I do not see how it can be that. These two lovers met independent of me and the family, simply put they had never met until they met. It is understandable because my mother and father stopped seeing each other shortly after I was born and as their families did not socialise it was mere coincidence that my brother and sister met at a work related workshop and got introduced. Me myself was raised by a mutual cousin of my mother’s and father’s (who is half Edo half Yoruba) so I came to know my brother and sister separate from each other. The two families, my mother’s and my father’s, were mutually exclusive. They came to visit at separate times, I do not know how my foster parents organised it but they did. They kept the families apart while making sure that I had equal and frequent access to my mother and father and their new families.   It was my surname, and a certain familiar air that according to my brother attracted him to my sister so he struck up a conversation that has not stopped until now.

I wonder what exactly the parents are afraid of.  I have told them that we can arrange it so they do not sit next to each other at the wedding if they are that repulsed by each other and when the baby comes, did I tell you there is a baby in the mix, we can also arrange it so they see the baby at different times. My mother has tried to blackmail my brother, it has not worked, the young man is crazy in love and as he says, he can afford to start a family with whomever only my sister is the one he wants. My sister is not even on talking terms with our father because he cannot forgive her for getting pregnant out of wedlock. I agree with the old man on that score, really. What was the silly girl doing sleeping with a man to whom she was not married? Perhaps she anticipated the protests against the proposed marriage and decided to leverage consent with a pregnancy. My mother will not countenance abortion but she has said my sister should have the baby and find someone else to marry. I asked if she would be happy that I do that, marry somebody other than my children’s father and she has not quite answered me yet. Like I was saying, father has a point, we need to put a lid on this not so new culture of free sex and I am no puritan believe me. However, if we did not have a pregnancy to contend with perhaps we would have been better able to persuade the two to live as brother and sister that they are. My brother however insists that my sister is not his sister and that his relationship is not incestuous and I agree.

As for me, I vow to stay out of their business once they are married. After all whom would I side with should they quarrel, my brother or my sister? The one advantage I see is that I can kill two birds with one stone and visit with them at the same time without being accused of favouring one over the other. Come to think of it, what would the relationship between their children and mine be? Would they be more than cousins, since they would be cousins twice over or would the unity of two halves make their relationship more whole. My mother and father would definitely have more grandchildren in common than my children. Who knows we could get them talking again if their spouses, my steps, make no objections.

My steps do not feel as strongly about the proposed union but they are siding with their respective partners. My stepmother is relieved that at 35 my sister has finally decided to get married to someone. She confided in me that at least we know where the boy is from, implying that if he is my brother, then surely the family must be okay, but not daring to express the same sentiment to my father. In spite of multiple chasers, none had ever been good enough for her daughter and step mum has not stopped lamenting since one of the seemingly eligible suitors eventually married the neighbour’s daughter after being persistently nailed by my sister. It does not matter that the fellow is still hoping to clinch that million-dollar deal while his wife keeps the family in oysters. All that matters to the poor woman is that her daughter should get married. I say poor woman because I remember even now that she is in the last stages of pregnancy. No, it is not my father’s child, it is not even his grandchild. I am in fact not sure what step mum’s relationship to the child will be. Step mum volunteered her womb for surrogacy when her daughter, not my sister, expelled pregnancy after pregnancy in spite of successful IVF tryouts. The doctor suggested that someone else should host the pregnancy, and to keep it in the family, her still healthy and able mother volunteered. My sister was not having any of it because she did not want to carry what according to her was an alien seed. She tolerates her brother-in-law only because he is married to her senior sister who she talks to only because she is her mother’s daughter.

However complicated it all sounds, we really are an average and very normal family, we just can’t seem to keep the relationships simple. My father supported his wife’s decision to host the pregnancy. I think he was secretly thrilled because he had been on at her to have a last child for as long as I can remember. It does not matter to him that he will only be the child’s step grandfather. Is there such a relationship? Well if there isn’t he could just be the child’s step father because after all it will be his wife’s child if only temporarily. His only worry is that his wife has gone greyer in this pregnancy and is looking quite strained. I have tried to reassure him that it must be normal given that she is 57 years old and she had her last child about 19 years before.  By the way, will my children be related to that child? Can one of them decide to marry her when they are old enough? I’ll have to think about it, right now I must run I just got a call from my step father’s cousin’s wife’s half-brother’s son who would like to be introduced to my foster father’s daughter by his secretary who incidentally is related to …….

I think I will leave this relationship thing for now, I can’t get my head round the connections. The important thing is that we are related, it will make the weddings and the burials bigger, better and merrier. I hope you will join us.

Robot  Villager

# 1 My half sister on my father’s side wants to g...Read the full article. Posted by Robot| 31.10.2006 04:23

Marin  Villager

# 2 Mutti, Whew:confused: !!!And I thought my family was complicated!!!!:D Very nice, witty article - as usual. How come parents and older family members are quick to use the statement "its our culture" to justify every action they are intent on taking, which is debatable and sometimes, which doesn't make sense? Its a fine way fo cutting all arguments short, since one is mostly reluctant to argue against "our culture". Another favourite of my fathers' is " honour your father and mother that you may live long.....". In this case, it usually means, don't argue, daddy knows best. Posted by Marin| 31.10.2006 06:26

Exxcuzme  Villager

# 3 ______________________________________________________________________ neither parent (my mother or father) wants a big wedding but their spouses (I guess those would be my steps) do. ______________________________________________________________________ The reason why parents nowadays dont want "big wedding" is because they are afraid of the marriage being jinxed by witches and witchcraft. Especially if you are coming from overseas to get married, your parent my want you to send money and pictures without the bride and groom being present or one of the other. Sometimes, they will have the ceremony with the bride present and the groom's picture beside her at the wedding. Weird for some hapless bride to sit for this kind of wedding. Posted by Exxcuzme| 31.10.2006 10:24

MsWoman  Villager

# 4 Ehm excuse me Mutti, I am not in anyway undermining your story oh, but is this story really true? Let me just make sure I got it right, so you and your sister share the same father and you and your brother share the same mother? Na wah! Personally, as far as I’m concerned, they are related oh! And they are related through you and only you! Don’t be surprised when the baby comes out looking exactly like YOU! I mean is it not the same DNA that made you that is going to make the baby? Which means that you could easily be the baby mama of the baby. Your DNA blueprint would be the same jare! Ah, me I no know oh! This one really passes me for real! I can really understand where your biological parents are coming from. I wouldn’t allow it. So, your Step Mom is really managing a pregnancy at age 57? I thought things like this only happened abroad – as in the grandma being the surrogate mother. Well at least your family is not dysfunctional. Mine will win an award in that category any day! Posted by MsWoman| 31.10.2006 12:39

Mutti  Villager

# 5 Ms Woman, Na wa O I don lie before? But me sef bow when I read the story. Still, it is as complicated as that, believe me. I have moved characters around so that they people do not get easily recognised and I don't get sued but it is all happening in the same family. I personally think that the granma is brave to do that for her duaghter but she chose to do it because her younger daughter was not having any of it and the doctor said her uterus was still strong enough (whatever that means) A cousin and I sat down and analysed the whole situation a couple of weeks ago and I decided it was too good not to share. I thought it would help us explore emerging relationships given new technology, people's penchant for failed relationships that spurn children and our tendency to use culture as the excuse for not facing up to issues that affect people's lives in very real ways. =MsWoman;136630>Ehm excuse me Mutti, I am not in anyway undermining your story oh, but is this story really true? Let me just make sure I got it right, so you and your sister share the same father and you and your brother share the same mother? Na wah! Personally, as far as I’m concerned, they are related oh! And they are related through you and only you! Don’t be surprised when the baby comes out looking exactly like YOU! I mean is it not the same DNA that made you that is going to make the baby? Which means that you could easily be the baby mama of the baby. Your DNA blueprint would be the same jare! Ah, me I no know oh! This one really passes me for real! I can really understand where your biological parents are coming from. I wouldn’t allow it. So, your Step Mom is really managing a pregnancy at age 57? I thought things like this only happened abroad – as in the grandma being the surrogate mother. Well at least your family is not dysfunctional. Mine will win an award in that category any day! Posted by Mutti| 01.11.2006 07:35