You have a few things working against you: It's likely she's also an abuse victim in the hands of her husbands' family, and unless she's a reasonable person whose heart is made of pure gold, most abused women will turn around and abuse their own daughters- in-law. Sometimes, because that's all they know in the name of "culture". In some cases though, it's a twisted form of vengeance. Secondly, you are competing with her for her son's affection. This perhaps is the most potent motive of all. This may be compounded if he's an only child, a first son or Lord have mercy he's become very successful prior to your marrying him. You are seen as a leech who has come to enjoy the fruits of her labor. You have come to take over her role as his primary source of female counsel. Her only pride and joy is now going to re-channel all his love and attention to you and she's not going away easy. If he also happens to be her retirement plan as is the case in a lot of African situations, you have to be bridled lest you meddle with the flow of cash. So you see, you're fighting against a lot of odds.

For some, this problem starts before marriage, you bet that this is a huge red flag or at least a need to tread cautiously especially if you observe the guy to be chicken-livered when it comes to his family and wouldn't stand up to defend his spouse should the need arise. A guy should never have to compromise his wife for his family or vice versa, it's about balance and fairness to both sides. But the African wife has been silenced for so long by society in the name of culture and norms even in so called "modern" marriages.

I dated a Nigerian guy once, highly educated and very well traveled. Soon, things became serious. So we took a short vacation to discuss issues relating to where the relationship was headed. Immediately, he laid down some ground rules regarding his family. First, he acknowledged that his family could be problematic, even troublesome and sometimes insulting, especially his mom and his aunts, (and a plethora of other distant relatives and non-relatives. Ok, his mom, I agree, but it befuddled me as to what some relatives in the nth degree's got to do with my relationship with him?). Sure I need to know about these people who could be my possible in-laws and who obviously are close to him. Since I'm very averse to such drama, I asked, what happens then if my future mother-in-law and his aunt bring trouble to my doorstep unprovoked. He told me "You have to bite the bullet, that's the way it's done in our culture". So you won't defend me? "What am I supposed to do, she's my mom". Well in that case then, I will have to speak up for myself. "No, it's not your role nor your place" Exactly my point, It's your role as my spouse and her son to be the intermediary. The buffer. The peacemaker.

"My mom will always be right, even if she's wrong�it's our culture". Mmm... Okay, So, let me get this straight, if your mom or your aunt (Lord have mercy should both of them) come to our home and bring drama, or insult me, you can't and won't defend me, and I also can't defend myself�"Yep, you just bite the bullet"�.Ugh? I'm no trouble maker, but then, my teeth are also not made of metal so it will be hard to eschew insults and abuse with my husband standing there watching his family walk all over me. Of course, for this reason and other "ground rules" laid down for me regarding his family and every other insignificant distant relative and non-relative in his life, I took to my heels and thanked him for the heads up. Unfortunately, this is the lot of most African Women, and many accept these abusive in-law relationships in the name of culture. When you are married to your husband's family, you are fair game. The funny thing is that these same in-laws will probably treat a foreign western wife with more respect than an African one.

There are excellent mothers-in-law who will treat you like their own daughter, and there are those who even before meeting you have their barrels loaded. I'm not advocating that one run away at the first sign of in-law troubles, but the odds will be greatly stacked against you if your spouse isn't mature enough to know when to defend you and when to let things be. You'll be fighting a losing battle. Remember she's his mother. And too many African men are brought up not to be able to have adult conversations with their parents, so in the face of the battle of the in-laws, they duck for cover and throw you (the wife) to the "wolves". You're on your own baby.

Mothers-In-law are great help when it comes to assisting with babysitting, especially for those who live in the West. They come all the way from where ever they are in the world to spend months, even years with their sons' growing family. When this works out as a mutually beneficial plan, it's great. She gets to spend time with her grandchildren, and you and your husband get some time off to deal with the busyness of living life abroad. But what happens when she's more trouble than she's worth?

An African couple living in the UK just had their second child and reasoned it will be more cost effective to bring "Mama" here than paying for daycare services for two kids. Wife works full time and is enrolled in an evening MBA program, husband works 12 hour days. So his mother packed her kit and bade home goodbye for a few months of grandchildren bliss and what the couple hoped will be a financial ease and time well spent. What they weren't prepared for was the drama that will unfold. First, the couple are from different parts of the country, speaking different dialects, so they can only communicate in English. A language his mother speaks very fluently, but she chooses only to speak to her son in her native dialect even when the wife is around and the conversation involves her.

Secondly, she would not step into the kitchen, so after long days at work and school, the wife drags herself home, to fix dinner the way her mother-in-law prefers it: African food cooked to perfection from scratch and prepared daily. All the while, the husband pleads with his wife to be patient. She bore her cross everyday with a smile. Of course, the camels back had to break soon, as the mother-in-law was intent on breaking her will no matter how accommodating her son's wife was. The week of her final exam, Madam made a note to call her husband to pick up dinner at an African Restaurant on the way home so "Mama" can eat as usual since she is obviously pressed for time to study. He did. That was when big drama unfolded. His mother gave her an earful when she returned, refused to eat and threatened to leave "because she felt insulted her in her son's home by them having ordered "take out" dinner. Her son had had enough, and so had the wife. In retrospect, she wondered whether taking her kids to daycare wouldn't have been more "cost" effective when you add the emotional and physical toll of having an insensitive mother-in-law to wait hand and foot on.

The more female relatives the guy has, it seems the more compounded the problem becomes as they all gang up in an estrogen frenzy to protect their male relative against his wife. The sisters and aunts in some cases will come in to add ammunition to the battle. Some of these women sometimes are also dealing with abusive husbands or In-laws in their respective homes or will expect to deal with same in the future.

There was a girl once, who had been married for five years and could not conceive a child. She had not had sex prior to getting married to her husband for religious reasons. Her mother In-law, and her husband's four sisters all very educated professional women came over one day to accuse her of having "tricked" their son and brother into a childless marriage by not having had pre-marital sex with him on some religious pretext (how this is their business beats me). All of this in the presence of the husband who claims "What's a man to do? I can't fight with my family even if they disrespect my wife. I don't want to be caught in the middle". Such is the lot of the African woman. When the shake down happens with your in-laws and your husband wimps out, you either give as much as you get, roll over and take the crap, or ship out before they send you to the nut house, 'cos baby, you're on your own. Society will turn it's back on you, sometimes, even your own family especially your mom will admonish you to grin and bear it, because that too was her own lot. And thus, the cycle of abuse continues.

Robot  Villager

# 1 fav...Read the full article. SEE PREVIOUS COMMENTS HERE http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/board/showthread.php?t=19808 Posted by Robot| 16.03.2006 22:33

Mango  Villager

# 2 You got your points across. However you did not consider the issue from the other side - the mother-in-law's side. I'll be interested to read what you have to say on the issue from that angle, knowing that you may one day also become a mother-in-law. As they say, there are always (at least) two sides to every story. Regards, Mango Posted by Mango| 17.03.2006 10:54

Voice of Reason  JJC

# 3 It's a well written piece. I am an unmarried female. I stayed over in the UK with my sis for a long while, and her mother -in-law was also there, I must say, my sis got the best end of the stick. Her mother-in-law has no wahala, imagine her not being difficult about food and all, just being like our mom and even at times better. I hope mine will be like that! Posted by Voice of Reason| 17.03.2006 14:37

nobiorah  Villager

# 4 "The more female relatives the guy has, it seems the more compounded the problem becomes as they all gang up in an estrogen frenzy to protect their male relative against his wife. The sisters and aunts in some cases will come in to add ammunition to the battle." That's where the rub lies. Why can't women just get along? Your average Nigerian wife believes that her mother is a saint while the hubby's mother is Satan incarnate. Never mind that wifey's mother is also mother-in-law to wifey's brothers' wives - who equally detest wifey's mother. Its a vicious cycle and it just keeps getting more absurd. Posted by nobiorah| 18.03.2006 04:59

folasayo

# 5 Hi Folks, What a forum! It's been a very enlightening discussion, at least the portion I've been able to read. The articles have appeared on several online sites, but this has been the most engaging. I'm currently working against a deadline to finish some editing of a short film, but will post a follow up article shortly revisiting the above topic and other related issues. Time is just a limiting factor for me at the moment. I've been musing for a long while about shooting a short documentary films on these types of discussions based on a dozen or so articles I've written as a series scrutinizing African relationships. I hope to be able to get around to shooting the first one before the summer. If anyone on this forum is interested in being part of this project (or if you know of other folks) , pls send me a PM. You'll have to live in the NY area or at least be within a short drive (unless you're willing to fly yourself in :). I will make allowances for people who may wish to remain anonymous although preference will be to those not - that way no fear say Mr. or Madam will file for divorce upon you airing your dirty laundry in public. My demography of choice will be Single, Married, Divorced or Separated 18-40-something yr old African Men and Women. More details about requirements needed for selecting participants will be forwarded in the near future to those who express interest in the project. In the meantime, if you think you have a compelling personal story about the discussion on this thread, viewpoint, etc, pls send a short briefing to me or just simply indicate interest, it may be a while, but I will follow up if interested. A shout out to Big-K for the ingenuity of this "melting pot". And to those who make this a truly intellectual mindrub. Thanks folks, I'll be surfacing soon :) folasayo Posted by folasayo| 24.03.2006 03:33

Afro-poet  Villager

# 6 For those who expressed interest to know when, Feb issue of Mimi Magazine is out (www.mimimagazine.com ) ...featuring Goapele, and my article African Mothers-In-Law and ..."African Mothers In laws...." - enjoy. ______________________ Eezeebee's comments African Mothers-In-Law and ... The article above, available on the Mimi Magazine website refers. I have extracted the first page of the article and encourage you to read the full article yourself for context. African Mothers-in-Law And The Cycle Of Abuse MIMI Relationships Written By: Folasayo Dele-Ogunrinde Photo Credits: None You get married. Acquire a new family. It's a good thing right? More people to love you and you reciprocating the love. An extended family by marriage who will celebrate life's journeys with you and offer solace when life throws you a curve. In an ideal world, that is what you'd hope to get. And in a lot of cases, that is what happens. What do you do though when your mother in-law turns out to be a monster-in-law? This phenomenon is the reality in a lot of African marriages, and though it goes both ways, the odds typically tips not in the favor of women. You have a few things working against you - first, it's likely she's also an abuse victim in the hands of her husbands' family, and unless she's a reasonable person whose heart is made of pure gold, most abused women will turn around and abuse their own daughters-in-law. Sometimes, it's because that's all they know in the name of "culture". In some cases though, it's a twisted form of vengeance. Secondly, you are competing with her for her son's affection. This perhaps is the most potent motive of all. This may be compounded if he's an only child, a first son or Lord have mercy he's become very successful prior to your marrying him. You are seen as a leech who has come to enjoy the fruits of her labor. You have come to take over her role as his primary source of female counsel. Her only pride and joy is now going to re-channel all his love and attention to you and she's not going away without a fight. If he also happens to be her retirement plan, as is the case in a lot of African situations, you have to be bridled lest you meddle with the flow of cash. So you see, you're fighting against a lot of odds. Below is a portion of an ongoing conversation begun as an aside to a worthy contribution by Soul Sista - A dedidication to Daddy, MKK. I have chosen to extract the diverging portions here for open discussion. Please weigh in. Posted by Afro-poet| 13.02.2006 07:17

EezeeBee  Villager

# 7 AfroPoet, Following my reading of the article you contributed to Mimi Magazine, I must revise my initial assessment of your persona thus: In reading your article, I was struck by your extremely cynical take on a mothers-in-law. You conveyed a whole lot of indignation associated with your sense 'insult' and one word you used very repetitively was 'abuse' in many different derivations and contexts. In only one (1) out of your eleven (11) paragraph article did you express anything remotely positive about a mother-in-law and then it was immediately contrasted with those who come with 'barrels loaded'. It may merely be your writing style, but in this article you came across as negative and abrasive. If I were a mother, I'd dread having someone like you as a daughter-in-law because you come across as a mean-spirited, self-important, self-righteous diva. While I'd respect my sons decision to chose you as a wife, I'd certainly hope I'd raised him wiser. Once he married you, I'd pray for his departed soul and most definitely keep my distance from you both because of your jaundiced outlook. Nowhere did I see you ascribe any credit to the man's input or the possibility of his being able to successfully manage the relationships with and between the two most important women in his life. He was always (in your opinion) 'chicken-livered', 'immature', 'prone to duck for cover' or a 'wimp'. It can be safely inferred from your expressed viewpoints that in these scenarios, you or the wives in question were merely innocent, saintly individuals, minding their own business and conserving butter in their mouths, for lack of anything else to do. Heaven forbid that they be associated with any family problems. Your paranoia and inherent support for lack of respect for the husband was evident in the following statements, amongst others: "probably treat a foreign Western wife with more respect than an African one" - unjustified inferiority and paranoia. "spouse isn't mature enough" - is the wife mature enough herself to get along with the mother-in-law and others or is it only husbands who are expected to be mature? "too many African men are brought up not to be able to have adult conversations with their parents" - an inaccurate supposition or assumption with no basis in proof other than your opinion. "when she's more trouble than she's worth" - a value judgement easily applied to you. "protect their male relative against his wife" - Men should hope and pray to be protected against such negativity as you display by any means necessary. I only hope there is at least ONE African lady or someone of another nationality who has more positive views on mothers-in-law, husbands and African culture in general and is willing to share them in open fora; you are mostly dismissive of all three and therefore merit nothing but prayers yourself! Posted by EezeeBee| 13.02.2006 08:48

MsWoman  Villager

# 8 Eezeebee: God forbid, I no abuse all of you oh! How can? You are my people and I no fit lai-lai! But to play devil's advocate for one second oh! I no really see anything wey Afro Poet wrote in thet article about mos-in-law that was bad kan lo ti-ti! Agreed, this is not true with all mos-in-law but it is very apparent in some. By the look of things it seems Afro Poet gan sef is not really into Naija men e be like say una don find one oyibo man wey una go marry which there is of course nothing wrong with that. Now, if that is the case, which of course all this is speculation....don't think prying mos-in-law only come from Africa. My Yoruba girlfriend's oyibo mother-in-law can like to intrude as well. Luckily, my girlfriend has one hell of a grip on her oko and so he has no choice but to tell his mama to back off and she always does for for some absurd reason, she always still tries her luck. But back to Eezeebee, I wouldn't take it the way you have. I think Afro Poet put her point out there subtly and didn't do that much of a mother-in-law bashing. Alluding to this point however: "probably treat a foreign Western wife with more respect than an African one", I have to agree with Afro Poet on this one because I have seen it happen too many a time and it irks me to the marrow in my bones ikpe how can? I have experienced it with an ex- who felt so liberated after he divorced his oyibo ex-wife that he just felt he needed to express total disregard for women as soon as he got out of the marriage. Since he had vowed to only date Naija women after the failed marriage, we of course were the ones who had to take the abuse. Well, let's just say he won't forget me too soon because I abused shege out of him for even attempting it with me. Half the things he got away with while dating me, I was told by close friends of his that he dared not try them with his ex- who by the way was a good 12 yrs older than he was. Onyoshi! Alakori, mugu, ashiere! Pls forgive me, but I still get a little angry when I remember. In any case, I do understand where both of you are coming from. My mother for one has two sons and has vowed that they will not find her in their homes once they marry because she cannot let one daughter-in-law come and abuse her. And I agree with her. She should leave them be. The down-side to that is it leaves my sister and I's matrimonial homes for her to come and intrude into which trust me, where me, I never marry, my sister is the one that so far has been taking the bulk of her wahala. And chei! My Momsie can complain.......! If it is not one thing today, it is the other one tomorrow. She will complain about my sister's husband, then my sister, then their children.....hmmmmm mos-in-law na real wah oh! Posted by MsWoman| 13.02.2006 12:58

Afro-poet  Villager

# 9 =EezeeBee>AfroPoet, Following my reading of the article you contributed to Mimi Magazine, I must revise my initial assessment of your persona thus:....." Afro-Poet says: This may not be the forum to discuss "Mothers-in-laws and the Cycle of Abuse, .... This is about "For Daddy,MKK". I'm not sure how the moderator here feels. Pls refer your comments about my article to the venue where you read it. MIMI Magazine has provided for such. I merely pointed the magazine out here because some had expressed interest in reading the Feb issue. Be well :) Posted by Afro-poet| 13.02.2006 13:44

Soul Sista  Villager

# 10 Afro-Poet, I know you told us to go and respond on the mimi website, but to become a member na long tori so let me just express over here for now. EeZeeBee, did we read the same article? Your views on Afro-Poet seem rather extreme if we did. I think you picked out sentences that were offensive to you rather than read her whole article in context. Without a doubt, Afro-Poet comes across as not suffering fools gladly on this African mother-in-law issue but I disagree with you she is all the things that you say she is. There is a real issue about men protecting their wives from abusive mother-in-laws. That is the truth. We can sugar coat it all we want, but examples abound aplenty. I don't think my mother is abusive to her daughters in law, but as you will see from my writings, Ndate, for example, has had to navigate her way around my mum and my sisters on a number of occassions. And, I love my brother, her husband, but I have found that my sister and I are much more proactive at reining in my mother and her sisters than he is. His tactic is often to pretend that he does not see what Ndate is seeing. I think part of Ndate's problem is a cultural one, but I would be lying if I said that my brother was being the most proactive about managing that relationship. He is not and I say this as someone who loves and admires my brother for many things. I think he loves his wife, but he loves his mother too and sometimes he gets confused. Same thing with my Boo. Luckily, Ndate and I don't have the worst mother-in-laws walking around the planet. I think they are pretty cool women when you think of it. And, I am sure Ndate will agree with me. But, if we left it to Boo and my brother to help to manage those relationships, we probably would wait till kingdom come :-). In short, on the issue of men managing that relationship, my anecdotal observation is that many of them fail at it, and wilfully too. So, I am not convinced by that argument EeZeeBee. I have just seen too many husbands drop the ball and behave so helpless while their families just generally misbehave with reckless abandon. It is sad but true. More later. I need to go. My Boo is back :-). I want to collect my thoughts and respond properly. This issue is very important. I hope others weigh in. Posted by Soul Sista| 13.02.2006 22:21

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