| My World Without Women! |
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| Written by Felix-Abrahams Obi | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Friday, 13 June 2008 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Women! Without them, men would only remain as latent seeds locked in our fathers’ loins without hope of being occupants of the earth. They are the only ones that learn ‘how to push’ without a helper. They feel the pain alone but are quick to forget the pain of labour. They are always the first to hold a newborn baby and dislodge them from the slimy coat that covers a child’s body at birth. After cleaning you up, they wrap you round some warm swaddling clothing they call a shawl. As you utter that first cry of desperation, they offer you a liquid salve called, colostrums! That freshly expressed warm rivulet of milk that flows freely from two hilly springs on their chest, and whose fountains burst forth with love. Moreover, as the days go, your nourishment and life depends on the magnanimity of their bosom. Your taste buds are splashed with this purely white non-alcoholic but addictive and intoxicating liquor; the freshly brewed breast milk! Women, a species that make men do what they would never imagine they could do. It starts with mama who wakes you up, bathes you, cuddles and strokes you gently, as she pets you. To her, you are the most wonderful of all living creatures, and while you’re still a tiny speck of the human species, her eyes pierce your fears and offer you warmth, security and comfort. She is the first to love you truly and believe in you. She is your confidante having swan naked in the warm pool she provided in her womb free of charge for nine months. She will forgo a lot to keep you happy. She is the first to believe in you, and the last to doubt you. While she is your chief cheerleader, your sisters and aunties and other female relatives will always complement her duties. They join the team of encouragers who will sharpen your malleable head into an aesthetic delight. Thus did my world begin with women! The men were there too, but…! Nevertheless, it was the women that knew when I sat up, crawled, stood and took those first few steps that took me into a world of women, and dare I add, the men’s world actually. I was not sure it was the women’s world anyway for we, the men always called the shots; while the women subtly but ostensibly gave out the orders that men inadvertently carried out. And with those first steps, I stepped into the true world of women, where I erroneously thought they were the pawns and we the men, the knights with the shinning amour! I was the least prepared when I entered their world as a primary one pupil. I sat with them on the floor in my village school were nobles were nurtured. Many of them had no diapers then, and often times left the spots were they sat soiled with some kind of water that no one could drink. I wondered why little boys like us were different from them, and we always liked to play with them. We would often pinch them and feign ignorance, or when gripped by the rage of mischief pull up their dresses out of curiosity. We saw what we should not have bothered to see. Sometimes they cried out of shame, but there were times they only chuckled and we giggled back in amusement. Little pranks that teased our innocent minds! Jovee was the first woman outside my immediate and extended family that invaded my consciousness as a little lad. Something happened each time we met; my stomach churned with delight, and I avoided her eyes as the rays pierced through me yet lived in denial. My mom, sister and close relatives knew I saw her as special but didn’t know why. And to get a bite of my flesh, they would jocularly call me, “ Jovee’s husband” and I will fly out in rage, with my eyes awash with tears of denial tinged with embarrassment. Yet my heart still skipped and attempted to flee out of its cage whenever Jovee’s eyes met mine! Then came Chichi in my primary two, who sat next to me on the same shared desk as we no longer sprawled on the bare flour. Chichi had this dimple that set shivers down my spine. While Jovee evoked some bit of embarrassment in me, Chichi opened the rivulets of joy and delight in me. We smiled at each other while the class mistress taught us how to spell words and count figures and would look into shinny mirror of my tin-made school box like two lovebirds. I still wonder why I groped to have her lovely dimples drilled into my rounded cheeks. Chi was a pleasant distraction as I still came out tops in the class that session. As a passing gift, our beloved class mistress rewarded us with a bowl of jollof rice, each pupil got a spoonful, and our tiny palms doubled as the mobile plate and cutlery. Charity was different. She not only had a dimple like Chichi, her teeth were firmly planted in gums were darkly tinted with lovely dark hues. Her school clothes sparkled while ours were rumpled. Like an enigma, she had an umbrella, which she wore over her head like a skullcap to shield her from the sun. Her new school bag had a zipper unlike the cheap bags some of us had .Not yet done with mischief, I fiddled with her bag someday and the zipper scattered and this little prank landed me in trouble. Outright denial did not save me from the thrashing whip of our headmaster. As I look back, I wonder why I had only female teachers in my respective classes in my primary school days who so much believed in me. At every point, they made me stretch my mind to learn tricky arithmetic, and helped me combine and convert alphabets into words that were stringed together to form sentences. Something interesting about them made one achieve so much. Because they cared always even when they seemed to be mean to some of us. They had a perennial smile to encourage us when we fail. Little wonder, in primary five, my class mistress recommended me to the headmaster that I eventually doubled as the “Bell Ringer” and ‘Mail Runner’. Thence was I initiated into the art of writing and reading letters to and from another friend. A habit that has lingered and I never would loathe this addiction of painting life with words and sentences! As I exited primary school, the trajectory of secondary education I followed landed me in an all-boys school, and away from the intriguing world of women. Jovee, my childhood ‘wife’ was posted to an all-girls school making our paths only cross at random. No sooner, a senior student and mentor spotted her, and went for the kill and snatched her heart away from me. I mourned the loss but could not protest with a shout. By then I had become a servant of the priests and pursued the way of piety. My pen came handy and I couched an epistle to not just appeal to her heart alone, as was scared she would the innocence that bound us together. However, the sermon and the enclosed ‘holy pictures’ rather irked her and I was the loser. She was gone and my loss was my senior’s gain! Female teachers seem like uncanny foreseers of the future. For how could you explain why my history and literature teacher insisted that I that I take her classes in my senior class in secondary school, as I was her best student then? We had a big scuffle when I refused vehemently because I saw science as the turf of smart boys and arts the domain of girls and dull boys. Maybe she saw what I could not see then as I am now so engrossed in literature and history like one who is doing reparation and restitution for his past sins. As boys, we talked so much about girls in class and they brought excitement whenever we meet at quiz competitions, extramural classes and other events like inter-house sports competitions when they were released from their school dorms and cages to freely roam among us, the boys. They could be an inevitable distraction our male teachers had warned those who cared to heed. The university was a unique world were women called the shots. They made a class exciting or boring, and determined the direction of things a lot. But the fellowships sisters were not as adventurous as the ‘worldly girls’ who attended parties and had fun in campus. They were the good girls because they had no boyfriends. But how could they when the brothers kept them at an arm’s length for the ‘fear of fornication is the beginning of wisdom?” The fair-complexioned and beautiful ones were seen as ‘leakers of anointing’, and possessed with a seductive spirit that led “holy men’ astray. So many of them were all covered up, looked drab at times, and scarcely received love notes and cards. No one sent them bars of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. But some got wooed away by the sweet talking and sleek playboys that saw the fellowship as a reservoir of naïve and churchy girls to poach from. Just make them ‘feel loved’ and they would be game and this stratagem had a high success rate. My first true ‘love affair’ did not happen too early. But before I left university, I met her during a normal campus fellowship meeting. She was a church girl, but not from the ‘funky fellowships’ and something moved within when our eyes first met. We exchanged messages with our hearts and eyes as no words were uttered. No sooner, my hostel room became a regular ‘stop over’ for her. The news spread like wild fire. Boy, I was in love or so I had thought. She was beautiful and her ebony skin sent reflections into my being. She was only 20 years and I was her first love. She was mine and thoughts of her filled my waking moments. I talked about her so much even when my heart denied there was anything between us. A big brother of mine, out of experience calmed me down when he counseled, ‘Felix, don’t go crazy yet. Just allow time to weather the relationship. Work at being her friend, and if the feelings endure over time, it might be for real.” Little did I know that we would in due course, cause each other inevitable heartache and part ways for good. Painfully, I broke her heart when it became obvious we would not walk the aisle at last! Emem was obviously one of the most beautiful girls at the orientation camp, and she was born again and evidently innocent. Almost every guy on camp positioned himself for the kill. At the corpers’ CD events, most guys would want to touch or hug her, but I tried my best to not hug or touch her like other guys throughout our NYSC days, and she observed that. A Muslim guy who had his own girlfriend came to her rescue and shielded her from the marauding company like a bodyguard until we passed out. How thoughtful of him! Years after, when we met and hugged for the first time, she intoned that I had changed. However, I explained that I had refrained from hugging her then because everybody else wanted to, and that was why I decided to be a different kind of friend to her. What could be so touching like a thoughtful and considerate act? Her eyes glistened with tears when saw the honesty. How little things make women weep! Wonder how it feels to be voted the ‘most popular and liked brother’ by the sisters in the Christian Corpers Fellowship at a house party where you were the DJ and opened the dance floor? I felt the taste of what it means to be a celebrity, that is. An NCCF sister bought me a shirt as birthday present, and another wrote the first poem for me titled, “Mon Ami’ after I paid a visit to check her in the village where she served. I became a counselor to one when she had too many suitors and suffered from insomnia for weeks when one of them vowed not to marry if she refused his ring. We prayed together for divine intervention, God heard…, and I got gifts in return. When NYSC ended and we are to part ways, she held me as though I would vanish into oblivion and in between sobs she muttered, “Will I ever meet another friend like you again…?” and I proved her right cause years after, she met her true beau, and headed for the altar! A woman spurned can rage more fiercely than a lioness and I’ve had a taste of it. She was my neighbor and part of a click of friends. She zeroed in on me for the cupid dance, and soon I was in her 18-yard box like a hapless victim. I discovered too late and had to beat a retreat. I knew there would be repercussions but why should I become another’s pawn when I should be the kingly hunter, I had reasoned. The friendship built over the months died a quick death, and I felt the emotion of losing a friend who wanted more than I could give at that time. She was deeply hurt and her painful cries reached heaven ASAP. Then I prayed, “Lord forgive me for hurting her and restore the friendship’ and the reconciliation meeting was sprinkled with tears and sobs. Moreover, I learnt a valuable lesson in return. Please learn to treat women that love and admire you with utmost respect and be sensitive to their emotions; else they’d hate you for life! Women have an uncanny ability of revealing what we truly are. If you think you are a self-disciplined saint and stoically strong in spiritual parlance, wait until you fall in love or meet a woman who loves you deeply. I had gone to visit her and while escorting me back one night, we sat on a stone to chitchat. And when I least expected it, she planted the first kiss on my lips and my hands tried to move and rove around her. I was ashamed and shocked at the thoughts that fleeted through my mind for I realized I wanted more than a kiss. I lost my innocence for I realized for the first time that a kiss was different from a peck as I was fond of kissing my mother and sisters. I lost my peace and couldn’t sleep that night, asking God for mercy and forgiveness. She was to visit me in a couple of weeks and I was afraid that the next kiss would fan the embers of passion and I prayed, ‘ Lord, please I can’t handle her kiss again, please don’t let her visit as I love her so much and sex would be inevitable.” Days after, she called to announce that she would not visit again. We lost touch, and the next time we saw was a few days to her wedding. We barely muttered a hushed ‘hi’ to each other for she saw me as a distraction and ignored me. I mourned and nursed my sense of loss alone! Two years after we met again, and her words were, “How could you disappear only to reappear before my wedding?” In protest, I said that she was the one who had left me and married another man. But she retorted that the fault was mine since I didn’t look for her after the last meeting…the night of that last kiss! Though she is happily married, she knew she could have been happy somewhere else, too…interpreters said the ‘somewhere else’ could be replaced with ‘me’. The lesson I learnt was: Don’t ever leave a woman and expect her to stay put with the status quo…for life doesn’t pause for too long! I moved on, only to meet another beautiful girl, Nene who feared and loved God. However, I would learn another lesson about women that made me ask a question; “Why would the chaste and virtuous women offer the treasured gift of sex to men that do not want to sleep with them or to those that feign not to be interested in sex?” She saw me as a spiritual giant and I tried to be a man of integrity before her. Nene and I started out as writer-colleagues and pen pals with no strings attached until we met face-to-face. She had literally fought her way out of another friend’s room who attempted to sleep with her in the past. She had cut off from guys who were out of sync with her core values since all she wanted was a sex-free friendship unlike them. Then we were alone someday and the words came out unequivocally, ‘Though premarital sex is a sin before God, I won’t regret if it ever happens between me and you.” I thought it was all a joke until the signs dispelled my illusions. God’s grace and mercy that kept us far from hitting the hay and I learnt a saintly and chaste man has passions like the most dreadful of playboys. Then I learnt another lesson: A good and chaste girl will offer (i.e., reward) you with her invaluable treasure (her body) on a platter of gold, which she was wary of giving desperate guys who were desperate to see her naked. But you would do well to preserve her worth in your own eyes if you reciprocate by not sleeping with her. She would realize that in her hour of vulnerability and seeming recklessness, you didn’t take advantage of her, but honoured her. You might think you missed a rare opportunity but she would respect you for life! I learnt another lesson I call the ‘the foolish lover loses it all when two blood sisters are involved”. If you are in love with the elder sister, be wary of her younger sister, who would seem to love you more for the sake of her elder sister. And if you disdain the wisdom of the sages, the cupid’s arrow will strike you and you may end up losing both of them in the ensuing romantic warfare. If you have expressed romantic interest in one sister, better stick to her for if you try to vacillate later, the cupid’s arrow will deal you a deadly blow. So beware and not be wise in your own eyes before you ultimately experience ‘the loser takes it all’ syndrome! I thought cradle snatching was the refrain of vile and immoral men until I met a sweet16-year old dame, and a friend of my little sister. She was all beauty and innocence dotted the beautiful smile that she flashed at me. I was clad in suit while her secondary school dress sparkled. Her eyes looked deep into me with some kind of romantic hunger, and I could only blink. I tried to ignore her but her heart sent notes that teased my heart for a long time. When Valentine’s Day dawned, she sent a message through my little sister: ‘Tell your big brother this is Lovers’ day and as an adult, he should understand what I mean unlike these secondary school boys!’ My heart said, ‘Go for the kill and take the advantage of her vulnerability’. I struggled for days and wondered how things would turn if I distract her from her studies when I already had a masters degree. Then I learned another lesson years after she grew up into a woman: ‘When you snatch a woman’s heart because of her innocence and inexperience, you will someday lose her to another for the experience she has garnered.” I once met a saintly woman that everyone respected for she was in touch with heaven. I didn’t know why my heart moved her way, but it didn’t anyway and I struggled to pull it back. Thoughts of her held me in captive and no denial could assuage the emotions she evoked in me. Like Solomon, my ink drooled and dripped with passion that I couched in words and verses that spoke of my love for her. They sounded like ‘Songs of Solomon’ and I was not ashamed to have been in love with her. Like a man living in an illusory world, I would not take a “NO for an answer” for the second, third, and almost the fourth time. She was not in love, I painfully admitted even when my heart deluded me. Then I learnt another lesson from women: “A man risks the rejection of unrequited love as much as a woman whose love is spurned by a man she is in love with.” When a guy’s sisters are his best friends, they would go to any length to ‘jealously protect and shield you from other women’ that try to cling to you, or show any romantic interests’. My beloved sister once came to see me at my work place, and saw how my female colleagues hovered around me. I assured her they meant no harm, as they were married women who had no scandals in their lives. But she would retort and protest vehemently saying,’ they should leave my brother alone abeg! They have seen a nice, good-looking, God-fearing and compassionate guy whose future is bright.” I also learnt that if a girl is receives genuine love at the home from her dad, brothers and uncles, she would acquire good self-esteem and confidence that will help her in her love life. She will not fall hopelessly in love by the first guy that send them a romantic card, or whisper “sweetheart, you are my first love, and I will die if you ever leave me for another.’ Tosin was not originally my patient. A female colleague had been treating her for weeks until I heard a sob from her room someday. I knocked gently and she urged me into her private room in the ward. Her one-month-old baby boy was in her arms and both were in tears. She had sustained a chip fracture in her hipbone, few weeks after her baby came, and she was afraid she might not walk again. I didn’t do so much other than a hand-squeeze amidst some encouraging words and soon her tears were gone. She told her husband about the ‘doctor who cared for her’, and we soon became family friends and her ‘family therapist’. Zibah, a married woman disdained and loathed by her female colleagues. Her words for sure were caustic and she was not far from being unfriendly. The women warned me to avoid her like a flea, but my heart protested. So in trepidation, I drew close and she saw in me, someone she could open up and talk to. Her home was a place of emotional abuse. Her ‘born again’ husband whom she offered her innocent body hit her with belts and threw fiery punches that wounded her heart. He lounged in the arms of other women. She was afraid of STIs and HIV/AIDS and no one heard her silent cries. She was bitter and her anger was vented on men and women that she met daily outside her home. She blossomed soon after she separated from her abusive husband, and became the lovely woman her female friends did not see. I learnt another lesson: A woman at every point in life reflects and expresses the seed of love or hate that men have sown into her life. So when a woman looks tough, detached and indifferent to love from a man, just look deep into her soul, and she will tell you about the men in her past, and you will know she’s hurting others in her bid to run away from her painful past. Though I look gentle and nice, but my heart is not far from being a mean heart of stone in certain instances. For instance, when I lost my only and elder brother, I ‘refused’ to cry for I felt it was a man’s lot to be strong in times of pain. My mother and sister, and others should cry because they are women, but not I, “the man of the house’. So I steeled up my heart even when my pent-up heart felt like exploding as I watched his casket being lowered into the grave. I knew I would see him no more. But I had to be a man, and my eyes should be as dry as a withered leave shriveled by the harsh harmattan breeze. But how could you explain this scenario that played out before my very eyes? First, I cried like a baby when a dear friend died two weeks after her wedding- where I did my first MC Job. Then I wrote a dirge in tears after another died in her prime after a lost battle with cancer. Then another died… and I remained inconsolable for weeks! Nothing has awed me as much as women. When you thought you have finally figured how to deal with them, they spring up more surprises. They may agree with you when you tell them that ‘this friend-relationship is without strings attached’. But with time, their heart would move and if they try to pull back without success, they would blame you for hurting their heart or leading them on. They usually are seen as the victims in the ‘battle between the sexes’ when actually they have acquired a lot of medals for the many men they beat to their wits end! Neglect or ignore a woman genuinely in love with you, and you would risk the backlash of an angry tigress. You would be shocked to see how her love transmutes to hate that erupts like a volcano. Some things about them intrigue and astound me. Why they do they seem to love and admire good looking, cutely dressed, popular, rich and influential guys? Why are their emotions so sensitive that they pick up things that you didn’t speak out but may’ve harbored in your heart? Why do they see men often as distrustful, while they feast on the lies brewed by men? They believe men are ‘naturally-polygamous’ to stick to one woman for life, yet would stick to a man they love for life? Though they may appear mature, strong, tough talking and independent, but when you ignore their stoic exterior and scale through their emotional walls, you will see that little girl in them that loves teddy bear and dolls! Though wise, educated, sophisticated strategists, they often fall victim of a well-intentioned cupid arrow shot from the bows of sweet-talking playboys. So easily are their hearts won over by the ‘small and seemingly inconsequential things of life’ like telling them their artificial hair braids are better than the locks of another woman with long flowing blonde hair! A man’s best friend is actually a woman even when he denies and refuses to admit. As loyal friends, they would not dump you even after they marry and would make you become their husband’s friend so they can keep you forever as a friend. A woman has the power to bring out the best and the worst in a man depending on how he treats her. It is her choice to make him turn into a prince or a villain. And if a man thinks he is even-tempered and gentle, wait until she unleashes her verbal armory and he would lose his cool and see his anger boil like a fury animal. But treat them with respect, and show some degree of genuine thoughtfulness and tenderness, and you would unwittingly recruit them into your fan club for life! Hit your knees to the floor and plead your guilt when you blow things up, and they would pull you up with tears and may not remember your vices again. What could be both pleasurable and distracting to a man than the company of a pleasant and lovely woman? Even if she appears ugly at first, the more you linger around her, the more her inner beauty captivates you that everyone wonders why ‘beauty is always in the eyes of the beholder.’ Much as I would not like to admit, my life would have been bland and endlessly boring save for the women in my life. When God created and molded man into a figure of strength and power, the angels hollered and shouted ecstatically like football fans did when ManU FC defeated Chelsea FC to win the UEFA Champions League. But when He tenderly sculpted and carefully trimmed the woman into a figure of beauty and grace, a holy awe hushed the angelic noise that heralded the creation of man. One by one, they gently picked up their cymbals and tambourines and joy filled heaven as they rose to enact the first standing ovation which the audience copied when Handel’s Messiah was delivered to mortal men. God heaved a sign of relief and the joy of accomplishment filled His throne. He reckoned that He needed a rest after exhibiting His most outstanding work of arts , and this rest was called a ‘ sabbatical’ which professors would adopt in years to come!
Felix Abrahams Obi trained as a Physiotherapist and Public Health Expert, who expresses his art as a poet, storyteller, essayist and photographer and can be reached by email via: halal3k@yahoo.com
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| Last Updated ( Friday, 13 June 2008 ) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Posted by Robot| 13.06.2008 10:29