01 Nov 2004 |
|
| OPENING MONTAGE The clouds hung and hovered clearly around the National Assembly Complex, Abuja. The camera opens at an angle of 45 degrees, and zooms steadily forward, bringing the imposing edifice of the Assembly complex into sharp focus, against the equally imposing grotesquery of the Zuma rock, in the background. That was Abuja, the Nigerian seat of power. The grounds were the constitutionally sacred precincts of the supreme law making body in this country of over 145 million black faces, sprawling from the southern edges of the Sahara to the coastal shores of the Atlantic in the South. The camera rests on a chaotic coming and going on the front terraces of the Assembly complex. A woman came into view, conferred for what seemed like briefly with a man on a flowing white Agbada, topped off with a hat that is native and common to the Northern tribes of Nigeria, and which seems to be the headgear of choice of Alhajis; the woman detached herself from the group and walked briskly towards a waiting car. Everyone seemed to be caught napping as the man, quite oblivious of his flowing robes, which can never qualify as recommended kit for athletes, dashed like a sprint king after the woman. As the woman turned around in what seemed askance, the man’s hand spoke; swinging with the force of kilotons of TNT across an arc, and in what seemed like eternal seconds in flight, landed on the woman’s spectacled and unprotected face. Her eye-glasses, were knocked off her face instantly. Her cream-toned face turned ashen and artificially crimson. Her knees buckled, and she groped for support, which was readily provided by the car door that was thankfully open, at that moment. The woman seemed stuck. She gasped for air and for words, all of which deserted her. She found her feet, as the man turned around and stomped out like a mad lion. A small crowd materialized from nowhere, spotting amazement on their faces, as the woman abandoned her original flight path of getting into the car, and marched with shaky legs into the Assembly building. Then, curtains. IN THE NEWS The Nigerian Senate and House of Representatives in a space of a week, witnessed two unrelated incidents of inter, and cross-gender explosion of frustrated insecurities and violence, mirrored in the dishonourable public trade in dirty slaps by supposed distinguished senators and honourables. Senator Isa Mohammed (Adult Male), opened the slapping session, with a senatorial slap landed with unemotional economy, on the cheeks of Senator Iyabo Anusiolowo (Adult Female). Senator Mohammed may have seen the face of his wife on that of Iyabo, as to come out smoking so naturally and emphatically with the slap. The bone of contention was Nigerian people’s money, which they have overreaching themselves in mismanaging. Hardly had the dust over the senatorial slap settled, than Hon. Ms. Iquo Minima, (Adult Female) slapped his male colleague, Hon Emmanuel Bwacha; showing him the Strength of a woman. Senator Bwacha really saw red. Isa first reaction was to deny slapping Iyabo, and later accused the devil of being the mastermind. Iyabo forgave in the spirit of being a Christian, but regretted not slapping back, after all the Mosaic law still applies in selected cases. Iquo in her own instance, accused her fickle emotions, which were stretched to unbearable limits by the death of her father. Both later apologized to their victims. Both got some suspension as punishment for their explosions. Isa got two weeks of rest and Iquo got one week. NEWS SUMMARIES A new regime of violence may have descended on the National assembly, consequent on the spate of slaps recorded in recent times. This may be a portent of more slappings to come. It seems that the National assembly is on the threshold of passing a new slapping-for-all-law, for its members. RELATED THEMES FOR FURTHER EXPLORATION Articles are invited from interested researchers on the above theme. The suggested titles below is to help channel your considerations. They are as follows The anatomy of a senatorial slap The Morphology of Slaps and slapping Anusiolowo’s eyeview of slapping Slapping in the Political Philosophy of Isa Mohammed The mechanics of a legislative slap Mohammed’s guide to an effective slap Slapping men, some important tips REVIEWS The above senatorial movies would have grossed some record earnings and awards, that would break the box office and Grammy records, had it been the figment of someone’s imagination. It would have launched the author into the exclusive orbit of a celebrity status, swollen his bank account to the range of some eight digits, and banished poverty from his lineage in a single stroke. It would have been a masterpiece had it tumbled out of the imagination. But it was a painfully shameful reality. The Nigerian legislature has reached the nadir of the ridiculous. It has degenerated from a bribery casino, a congress of electoral fraudsters, a playground of Ghana Must Go bags, into a boxing ring, where disagreements are settled with physical violence. The senate and House of Reps is not only a house of simpletons, it has added another inglorious feather to its cap. It is now a place where people’s wives are beaten up in all but an honourable way, with senatorial slaps, and where people’s husbands are slapped by women whose hormonal imbalance, abandoned them with an overabundance of adrenaline and testosterone. IN THE COURTS OF PUBLIC OPINION In the Courts of Public Opinion of the First instance, Holden today, with Honourable Justice Ethics, presiding Courrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Court clerk: My lord, we have two cases, with the same legal principle at stake. The people pray the honourable court, that the judgements reached in one case should hold and equally apply to the second case. Presiding Judge: The prayer of people is heard. May the judgement reached in the first apply and hold in the second. The GAVEL hit the block The Audience: As the Court Pleases. CASE 1 The People v. Isa Mohammed, FACTS OF THE CASE Honourable Senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, representing Niger South Senatorial district of Niger State, Nigeria, Senator Isa Mohammed; a failed aspirant to the seat of the Deputy Senate President; a key player in the rumble in the senate under Okadigbo; a notoriously hot-tempered man, with a history of temperamental explosions under his belt; on Saturday, .....,2004, at hours of ...., delivered a dirty slap on the senatorial cheeks of Senator Ms, Anusilowo, thereby contravening the ethical norms guiding public office holders, bringing the sacrosanctity of his high office to disrepute, and constituting himself into a misorgynic woman abuser of the first eminence. Pleas Isa Mohammed: “My first plea is not guilty. I did not slap that woman Wahalihi talahi! Me How can I do that? No, I was only caressing her face, Abi no be so Anusiolowo? Idris Kuta intervened: “Objection my Lord, I have irrefutable evidence to contradict the submissions of my honourable colleague. He is telling a senatorial lie. I was a material witness to the act. I saw him slap the living daylight of Iyabo. I was there with other people, that equally witnessed it as Isa spoke to her ears with his hands”. Isa why you talk lie now? Make you tell the truth, at least, we fit consider you for 2 weeks suspension only. Isa Mohammed rose again. “I am sorry my Lord, It was the devil that made me do it, and I deeply regret the pain, swelling, inconveniences and embarrassment that this act has brought to Iyabo, to myself, to my family, to my office and to my honourable colleagues. I crave your forgiveness my Lord. It will never happen again, Walahi! Anusiolowo rose to address the court. “My Lord, as a very good Christian, I have forgiven him. My only regrets is in not slapping him back. I could have slapped him back to let him know that he should not raise his hands on a woman any day and anywhere. After all, I am somebody’s wife and some people’s mother and sister. If he is so very generous in beating up people’s wives, I would not lose my bet if his harem of wives and solomonic concubines dread and fear him like Americans dread and fear Osama bin Laden. His expertise in delivering the slap at the right angle to cause me the greatest pain, proved that this man is a domestic terrorist. He has no rights to slap me, even if I am his concubine without portfolio or mistress without conjugal rights. Save for the fact that a voice ministered unto me, I would have slapped him back. Please my brothers and sisters, join me in praising the Lord for restraining me from slapping him back and for hiding my second cheek, which would have been under some reconstruction surgery had I shown it to him, in obedience to biblical injunctions. Join me also in thanking my Pastor, who asked me to forgive him” CASE FILE 2 The People v. Iquo Minima FACTS OF THE CASE This woman on the grounds of the National assembly complex sent a missile of dirty slap, targetting and slapping some blood into the eyes of his honourable colleague, Hon. Emmanuel Bwacha, in contravention of all norms of decency and legislative ethics and comportment. In fact, on that day, Emma saw red. She saw “the strength of a woman”, with due apologies to Shaggy. THE JUDGEMENT Introduction This honourable court, having heard the arguments and submissions of both the prosecution and the defence, and having also considered the factual reconstruction of the case presented before her, to which the defence has not succeeded in refuting or retiring, proceeds to make the following observations and judgement. Our considered judgement is as follows: The Ontology of a Legislative Slap A slap is a compressed summary of intended violence, designed to land a payload of searing hot pain, on the unprepared countenance of the target, and projected with the velocity of bullet. It is the flight of the hot lava of volcanic anger, originating from the fiery interiors of a provoked mind, borne on the wings of a cruise missile, and intended to deliver a sonic equivalent of a stringed cluster bomb, on the auricular faculties of the receiver. Whoever receives a dirty slap, would have his ears singing and re-echoing the staccatoral melody of an unwanted and un-invited music. The Mechanics of the Slap In the first seconds of a dirty slap travelling at 93 kilometres per second, at angle of 60 degrees due South-West of Iyabo’s right ear, from a point blank range of 0.0064 meters, projected from a hand weighing ½ a pound, by HONOURABLE SENATOR Isa Mohammed, on the ears of Senator Anuislowo for instance, Anusilowo’s ears, in the first seconds of the impact, was deafened and paralysed by the shock waves, as it tries to suck up or cushion the forceful impact of the slap. Her ear drums collapses in pain and starts firing off warning missives of a massive pain load to her brain. Her brain reacts and sends out warning signals to her pain centre to muster up some defence to that. Her pain centres are overwhelmed and cries out in exasperation. This exasperation diffuses to the voice box with the speed of lightening. This takes three quarters of a second. These are internal reactions. On the external dimension, Senator Anusiolowo shrieks out in pain. The first seconds of the impact knocks her head a clear 180 degrees and back in less than half a second. Her glasses in sympathy, falls off her shocked face. Her optical faculties are eclipsed by the blast. She staggers in momentary blindness. Her assailant is still seething with burning anger, stares at her waiting for a reaction from her in order to deliver the decisive pile driver. None came. Then curtains. The Ethical Implications of the Slap When the human race arrived at the portals of reason, raw violence became a relic of his evolutionary infancy. Reason dignified itself over and above the instinctual proclivities, with its ability to keep instincts in check. Whenever the instincts are unleashed, reason takes the backseat, as the instinct plunges the man into the deep abyss of self-destruction. Men of dignity and honour are those who have reached the pinnacle of composure, where their instincts are under the government of reason. To this end obversely, whenever man canonizes his instinctual proclivities over and above his reason, he dresses himself in the robes of a challenged travesty of all that is human. He unwittingly becomes a mobile version of imbecility. He could then qualify to be identified either as moronic vestige of underdeveloped reason; a certifiable lunatic or a callous and spineless idiot. In this instance, his existence challenges reason and configures itself into a monumental affront to decency. The ethical toxicity of this swim in the debauched cesspools of egocentric narcissism, generates a swirling whirlpool and vortex of corruption that defies reason and insults human intelligence. In this arena, the individual in question sees himself and his irreconciled infantile needs, as the centre of the universe. Woe betide the social construct if this unrefined travesty of humanity, by happenstance, which is most usually the case, prowls in the corridors of power. The society incurs a bad sociologically unhygienic debt, which is simply the bastardization of its ethical norms and standard and, which it can never successfully retire or even service. Any society that allows itself the unhealthy luxury of entertaining such human aberrations and giving them an unrestrained, uncontrolled and unwarranted access to its levers of power has unwittingly mortgaged her future aspirations to the islands of illusion and unrealization. When this situation becomes the norm instead of the exception in the polity, then disaster is simply the foregone conclusion of all our strivings as a nation. Parliaments all over the world are the proofs of the triumph of reason and dialogue over violence and might as being right. To this end, they are the citadels of laws, decency and power. In this arena, issues are dialogued out and not fought out with furious fists. In this battleground, the weapons are brains and brawns, and not boxing gloves, guns or machetes. The men and women that are entrusted with the sacred responsibility of representing their people’s aspirations and interests in this temple of laws, are men and women of first eminence in character, learning and bearing. They are men of impeccable credentials in morals and ethical sensitivity. The are honourable and respectable men, worthy in character and learning. They are lawmakers. As lawmakers, they are the first subjects of the law. Being in the precincts of laws and ministering daily at the sanctuary of laws, they cannot afford to be lawless. They are men in whom reason delights. They are men in whom rationality maintains a balance and equilibrium of good taste, decent bearing, and high calibre comportment. They are polished gentlemen and women of substance, who originated the fine art of diplomacy. They may not be rich, but they are rich in character. This is what the chamber of laws should be. When Isa Mohammed, a senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, raised his dirty palms to deliver a dirty slap on senatorial cheeks of Anusiolowo, he degraded his dignity as an honourable member of the senate. He dishonoured himself and all that he represents. He brought disrepute to the high office, he occupies. This court is aware that the people he represents, did not slap him into the senate, to represent them by slapping away at every opposition. The ideal situation would have been that they voted him into office, but his bearing and its implications casts some doubt on this assumption. Since he is possessed of this “must have my way” attitude, he may have bulldozed the people’s will aside and rigged himself into office. Besides, what is a slap meant to do on the psyche of the recipient. It is meant to bludgeon or intimidate someone into silence or timid quiescence. Isa Mohammed may have used the same attitudinal bulldozer to politically slap and intimidate all genuine opposition into silence, in order for him to be in senate, which his attitudes renders him most unqualified. Slaps and Slapping: Any Justification? It is so very wrong enough to slap somebody. No reason can justify that, save in self-defense, when one risks some serious, life-threatening bodily harm, or when one’s life at risk, and a dirty slap becomes the only alternative that can save the day. Be that as it may, it is criminal and in bad taste not only to slap someone in the precincts of the Senate and House of Representatives, but to slap a woman. Slapping someone, a man or a woman in the precincts of the National Assembly is equiperable to desecrating a temple. That is an abomination of desolations. A priest that fights on his altar of sacrifice is not worthy to be a priest. He should be disrobed. Likewise a senator that slaps someone at the sanctuary of laws, is unfit to be a senator or a representative of the people. He has brought himself humiliatingly low in all considerations. He has compromised his integrity, and he is no longer fit or worthy of the office he is holding. It is this regard that this honourable court calls for these inglorious members of the college of slapping law makers, namely Senator Isa Mohammed and his female colleague, to take the honourable path out. They should resign their offices with immediate effect. The slapping of Anusiolowo was in superlative bad taste and an affront on womanhood. Isa Mohammed did not slap only Anusiolowo, she slapped all Nigerian women and mothers. This act forcefully, though most unfortunately, leads to the conclusion that this man can slap his mother or wife without compunction or qualms of conscience and have the effrontery to lie about it, if money is involved. We equally conclude that these slapping honourables are either products of broken homes or violent homes. Elementary psychology empirically supports this view. If a child grows up in a family watching his father make a routine of beating up his mother for fun and at will, or vice versa, he will grow up to view slapping women or men respectively as a hobby, as the case may be. This two people are the worst examples of what a parent should be, as well as bad role models for our young people. They are grossly incapable of managing themselves and their passions. How then can they pretend to manage a public trust or office? Had both of them had machetes or clubs in their hands on those fateful days, some two bodies would have by now be resting in pieces, in some mortuary slabs, and this honourable court would have at this instance, been burdened with determining a capital crime, and punishments accruing thereto. We are so to say, so very fortunate that machetes and guns were not in the vicinity at those moments. On Iquo Minima’s indiscretion, we hold the greatest rebuke. Women have really decided to fight back. She would have been a role model in Osama Bin Laden’s Afghanistan, where women are really under indentured slavery, so as to be a fighter for their rights to be equal in initiative violence like the men have done for centuries. We regret to observe that she has been listening to a lot of Shaggy. Women have strengths no doubt. But men like Emma Bwacha should never be forced into wearing eye and mouth guards simply because women like our Honourable lady are on the loose, looking for someone to slap. Sentence To this end, therefore, we sentence the two accused to a life-time of penance in irrelevance and dishonour. They would forever wear these badges of dishonour, as deterrent to anyone who entertains the dangerous luxury of slapping faces for fun. To this effect, whenever their names are mentioned, may it follow them, that they slapped people for fun in the house of laws. May it come home to everybody’s realisation, that they were harbingers and purveyors of crude violence, unrefined bearing and dishonour. This honourable court stands adjourned. Courrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!!!!!!!!! MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE COURT PREMISES The camera casts on the arrogant and oafish face of Isa Mohammed, as he could be heard swearing on top of his voice: “The judge and the jury dey craze! Me? Resign? E can’t happen! Why should they ask me to resign? The first person they should ask to resign is Obasanjo! They should equally have Wabara follow him. After all, dem don commit worse crimes than me. I have never calculatively made the Nigerian people suffer, like Obasanjo dey do daily. I have never been accused of stealing money like people accuse Wabara. My situation has never been too dangerous for silence like Obasanjo’s situation in Nigeria. I have never supported a band of renegades, boasting its connection to power, who are bent on turning The-trouble-with-Nigeria’s village into a corrupt and lawless fiefdom. They should have asked Galadimma to resign for turning Falcon’s victory into a national disgrace for Nigeria. They should equally ask Atiku to resign for buying up the whole of Nigeria, hiding behind privatisation. They should ask Ngozi Iweala to resign for dedicating her Time Magazine nomination to Obasanjo, who did nothing to merit that honour. They should have asked Mantu my arch??? to resign, for having his hand in almost all corrupt pies in the senate and for the dishonour his name brought to the National award, which I believe was one of the reason why Achebe rejected the award; as a prophet cannot share the same platform with a corrupt Herod. In fact, they should ask the whole of Nigeria to resign for allowing Obasanjo into office. They should have asked Abel Guobadia to resign for rigging th PDP rigging machine into office in 2003. They should ask Tafa Balogun to resign for being the most corrupt Inspector General in the history of Nigeria and for his incompetence in battling criminals, and also for the collusion of his men with armed robbers as Obasanjo said. Balogun has more reasons to resign his office than myself. Chris Ubah is still walking the streets after kidnapping a governor. The killers of Bola Ige are still at large. Jerry Ayegbe has more 29 bullets in his lungs, which the police report said collapsed as a result of an auto accident. The illiterate, ignorant and trigger-happy policemen still kill Nigerians over 20 naira “roger”. Armed robbers still terrorize Nigerians in their barricaded homes. Nigerians now lose their GSM handsets at gunpoint to armed robbers. This man still dey office dey enjoy and you people say make I resign. Una head no dey correct. Me, I no dey go anywhere! Na only slap wey me I slap. What about OBJ wey flog soldier for state visit? Make una come drag me commot from senate make I see una, Crazy people. Una never ask Fani Kayode make ihm resign over his goofings and garrulous indecencies Driver come make we go jare! The Car screeched off the sidewalk of the court premises, as the camera settles on the sobbing face of Representative Iquo. A reporter approached her as she was about to escape into the crowd. Reporter: Senator, How do you view the judgement of the People’s court? Senator Iquo: This is the handwork of the devil. He raised my hand to this man’s ears. Do you think that a responsible woman like me would slap a man. Reporter: But some are of the view that slapping has been around for so long, but this is about the first time that senators and Honourables are trading slaps? Hon Iquo: No comment? Reporter: Women have been known to be slapping men even in civilized societies as a sign of their liberation. And women expect no reaction save cleaning up their faces and walking away in silence from the men. Do you think it is a prerogative of the women to slap and that of the men to take it as a sign of masculinity? Hon Iquo: There is no way you can compare a masculine slap with a feminine one. The women cannot hurt a fly with their slaps. Their slaps is love in disguise. But men’s slap summarize anger and sadism, consequent on the force with which it is normally delivered. Women caress with their slaps, which the men intimidate with theirs. Reporter: So your love for Bwacha was in disguise that was why you slapped him Hon Iquo: You people, you will always read unnecessary meaning into innocent statements. I mean women in general, not me, especially at this time! Reporter: We heard that this guy was restrained from giving you a rejoinder of the slap you sent to him, what would have been your reaction had he behaved in this ungentlemanly manner? Hon. Iquo: Do you think I am senator Anuisolowo. I would have shown him that women are made of a sterner stuff. It would have been to a fight to the finish. Reporter : You seem not to be repentant after your pleadings in court today. Hon: I am very repentant. “I have pleaded with this court to forgive but they refused. I was under a lot of tension. My father died and the 404 we prepared to slaughter for his burial suddenly ran away. I wanted to teach the poor thing a lesson. That was preoccupying me, when Bwacha stepped across my crosshairs. I did not know when my hand touched his face. That was no slap, my hand simply touched his face. How can I resign now, when the presidency has not delivered the normal round of Ghana Must Go bags, which would enable the smooth passage of the 2005 budget, without querying much why previous budgets were not implemented. Even if I am to resign, I must first collect my share of the GMG, before all else. That I am a woman plays no part in this one” CONCLUDING REFLECTIONS Our congressmen and women are slapping themselves today in full view of the public. Who knows how many underprivileged Nigerians that receive slaps daily from these congress of lawless renegades. The police have been brutalizing Nigerians without rhyme or reason. These ignorant recruits and constables who have transformed themselves into government approved thieves, treat Nigerians with the kind of indignity that an animal would never dare inflict on its own kind. So when those who make the laws are now experts in slapping, then what happens to the enforcers of the law, who revel in such sadistic show of raw and uncouth strength. These acts are dishonourable acts that cannot be pardoned on the score of manners. Only heavens know the deal of humiliating insults or physical abuse that subordinates to these people receive at their inglorious hands. Houseboys and house maids are out of the question. I have heard about a member of one state house of assembly in the second republic, who flogged his gateman into coma for the simple offence of not opening the gate immediately he honked his car horn. It is high time Nigerians started investigating the private lives of those who aspire to lead or represent them, before allowing them into office. Men and women who do not meet the basic requirements of decent behaviour, should never be allowed into any office, as they are bound to bring that station into disrepute. Politics without ethics is like power in the hands of a maniac. This guys will start forming secret cults and gangs in the National assembly to fight and shotgun each other. The Secret cult syndrome started with beating up an opponent in front of her girlfriend, to disgrace him. It graduated into stabbing opponents to show that you “be hard man”. Now it is at the level of shot-gunning people, like they do in American gangland movies. Tomorrow, Bazookas and tanks will be deployed in our campuses by these cult guys to demolish suspected “hideouts” or faculty blocks of opposing cults. This is what our national assembly is bound to turn to, if slapping is allowed to be generously dished out on any cheek that dares disagree with us.
|
# 
Your Comments
Please make The Square an enjoyable experience for everyone by refraining from gratuitous ad-hominem contributions, defamatory comments and off-topic posting. Such posts will be removed.