I have followed and participated in numerous gender-centric discussions on these Nigeria Village Square boards and have decided to the contribute an answer to the question 'What Do Men Want' though nobody may care. I warn at the outset that the reader turn their sensitivity meter way down as the opinions I express are direct and unvarnished and I look forward to learning from the ensuing discourse.

Somebody has to say it: Men want to be appreciated and valued for similar reasons that women claim they want to be valued. Just like women don't want to be seen as 'baby-making' machines or short order cooks but appreciated for their intuition, charm, intellect and other intangibles, men want to be appreciated for their courage, their vision, their sense of humor and ‘just because’. Men want to be appreciated for their humanity and not just how much they can ‘provide’. Remember this: people may forget the details of what you said or did, but they rarely forget how you made them feel. I’ll return to that later.

On the NVS boards, Meticulous has stated variously that relationships are scarcely worth engaging in because she can't stand the 'mind games' people play in relationships. Obugi, in his turn, has asserted that it's a dog-eat-dog world and so nobody should expect anything good, honorable or better from anyone else.

I am regularly assailed by women opining about all that is wrong with (Nigerian) men; How they do this, don't do that, can't do the other, can't/won't commit, are completely 'intimidated' by this, that or the other, etc. Enough of the claptrap; an end is in sight.

I'll begin with this question to the ladies: What is it about YOU, in particular, that makes you believe that a man should be committed to you specifically? The fact that you possess female reproductive organs? If the world's population is approximately 6.5 billion and 25% of those are women of adult age, then you share that 'unique' quality with about 1.65 BILLION other members of our species. Even after eliminating those who are already married, single by choice or practicing lesbian lifestyles, that leaves a whole lot of people who have what you have. So that ain't gonna cut it.

Ladies, is it because you are educated, attractive, etc.? Exactly how much 'education’ do you possess and in what field? And how 'attractive' are you in relation to __________ ? (insert the name of any pulchritudinous female beauty of your choice). When in doubt, refer to and modify the foregoing mathematical calculations.

Is it that you believe he 'owes' you something because you ‘gave’ him ‘some’? Thanks, he could tell you “that was (not so) great; now take it, along with all your various annoying habits, attributes and characteristics and put it back in safe-keeping or go give it to someone else”! Would you be prepared for that eventuality?

Amongst numerous other complaints, an article recently published on NVS stated that Nigerian men don't know how to speak to or 'toast' a lady; a typical rant for anyone who is familiar with the regular complaints and criticisms from Nigerian women. The first thing to be stated for the benefit of women who share that complaint is that nobody is put on the surface of the earth for your amusement. If a lady does not possess the intellectual acuity to entertain and amuse herself, she should refrain from blaming the people who have the misfortune of coming in contact with her caustic personality. She could instead engage in picking up a book, getting a life and not depending on someone else to ‘toast’ her.

A question rarely asked is what intelligence level do these Nigerian ladies bring to the table?  What level of skill do they possess, and are they prepared to utilize, in order to successfully negotiate the unscientific and imprecise human arena of interpersonal masculine/feminine relationships? In a straight-out 'fight' between the genders, are women really ready for the results of a take-no-prisoners approach?

Are they truly able to 'keep up' with many of the men in conversation? Are they able to 'keep up' with the men in energy and intensity levels? Do they know how much boredom men have to endure when they go out on dates with women who initially showed promise but eventually do not and can not stimulate them on any level above the belt? All the complaints focus on what is wrong with men. I suppose it would even be easier to accept and process the complaints and criticisms if the ladies complaining displayed even a hint of introspection; fat chance! They consistently and conveniently forget that for each finger they have pointed, there are four pointing directly back at themselves.

Another routine refrain is that men aren't 'keeping up with the times'. What are these 'times' and what is so new about them? If you go back in antiquity, women have always worked so it can't be just because women are working. If it is in African terms, women have always had positions of authority and leadership so that's not new either. I'm hoping someone will tell me what it is about these 'times' that makes a woman no longer a woman and a man no longer a man. I'm waiting.

I'm glad that in the course of responding to the  'Our Naija Ladies Too Dey Fumble' thread http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/index.php/content/view/4039/46/ , it was ladies like Serengeti, Chocolat, Soul Sista, Crimsonbabe, M. Akosa and b4Best, amongst others, who stated that a man without money was essentially of no use (to them at least). No new insight there; they merely confirmed anecdotal evidence of women's attitudes that are very familiar to men. To paraphrase them (and DoubleWahala), water should 'know' to find it's level. Hmmm... The corollary question of course could be "of what 'use' is a woman to a man in the context of a relationship"?

What is the term 'level' really, and how is it determined? 'Level' is the perceived Intrinsic Internal Individual Value that we all apply to ourselves and others, which is why Naija for life erred slightly when he stated that all women wanted to sleep with rappers. Every woman does not want to sleep with rappers; they want to sleep with men who command as much money, power, confidence, authority and other resources as the rappers currently do. Since not all of them would 'qualify' to sleep with such men, they comfort themselves in misandrous criticisms of all things male or masculine in order to justify or excuse their inability to compete in the open market with the women that attract such men.

Beyond that, in their desire to control the men in their lives, they seek to dictate that he puts all his resources totally at their disposal in order to massage their frail egos (did I hear someone say it's men's egos that are the problem?)

The sanctimonious ladies on these threads perceive themselves as particularly deserving of attention, adulation and affection but find, to their chagrin, that a number of the men they have encountered do not share their self perception of their Intrinsic Internal Individual Value. After different experiences they consider unpleasant, they formulate inanities and insults and move on enough times to become bitter, sour and all-too-willing to share their negative experiences with all who ask and many who don't care. They become adept at painting all men (except their fathers, siblings and of course, favorite cousins) as somehow lacking in one quality or the other. News flash! Nobody cares what you think when you approach them in that supercillious manner. It doesn't matter one whit what a Nigerian woman thinks of all Nigerian men if she is unwilling to assess her own outlook and contribution to the 'problem' (if there is one).

No one asks or hears the experience from the men's point of view; it is possible that these ladies may just have been whiny, needy, boring and irritating individuals who didn't have the capacity to engage the man on the multiple levels he required to remain intellectually engaged. Perhaps they really needed to be cut loose much earlier but because the men unselfishly chose to keep them ‘entertained’ for a little while, longer they thought he owed them something. Men generally don't waste time talking about who did what to whom, and rarely gather together with a posse of good friends to whinge about people that affected them negatively, thus leading, gradually, to the self-reinforcing 'truism' that 'men are all flawed' and women are just meek, innocent bystanders in matters of the heart.

Speaking of hearts, what do hearts have to do with anything? If the heart were remotely involved, why would ladies collectively claim that men without money are 'less than desirable' (to them)? What does the 'heart' have to do with 'money'? Their surprise is always that the very men they routinely criticize are adored or at the very least acceptable by other women for their Intrinsic Internal Individual Value, and they have no control over that. It boils down to a matter of control. The world would be perfect in the eyes of these ladies if all the men they adjudge 'insufficient' were adjudged similarly insufficient in the eyes of every other lady. Alas, that is not the case.

Think of a roc-a-fella like Jay-Z. I can't tell you how many women have called him 'ugly' to my hearing. How come one of the most attractive ladies in the world today is his paramour? Because he's got it all: money, power and respect in his industry. I recently learned that he's parlayed his rap career into becoming some kind of United Nations Ambassador. Hmmm.... not bad for such an 'ugly' man.

Wanna hear a secret ladies? Jay-Z sometimes mutters the words "oh God, no!" under his breath when Beyonce walks in the room. I know most men will say Haba! No! Mba! Mba! But if YOU were dating Beyonce, sure, she'd be your boo too, but it's more than likely that your 'joy' would come from knowing that all the other men in the room (world) are envying you, NOT necessarily and directly from her being Beyonce.

Surprised? Don't be! What most men won't tell women in order not to crush their fragile egos is that the only woman that will excite a man continuously, in reality, is the next one! So it doesn't matter how light, dark, tall, short, fat, slim or unbeweavable you are; once the sexual mystery has been removed, it is only a matter of time before it takes a concerted belief in religious sentiments and other 'mind games' to sustain attraction, affection and attention.

Returning to the premise that a man is of little value (to a woman) when he has no money. As this message is internalized by men, we strive to become the kinds of men that women - in general – find attractive, by seeking education, becoming entrepreneurs etc. With proper preparation and planning, there is a chance that we might succeed and as time progresses we therefore become more and more attractive to a larger spectrum of women. This is because the 'currency' of male attractiveness is wealth, success, confidence, amongst other things. Why are women therefore so upset that men who meet their stated definitions of 'good', 'useful' men are wildly attractive to many other ladies? They attempt to use mind games or guilt-inducing techniques like 'he's not mature if he can't stay with one woman'. That is merely an attempt to define what a 'man' is by women who have no clue what it is to be women themselves. They defend their right to do and be all and anything they want, but have a stake in curtailing men's determination to do the same.

Unlike women, men ALWAYS know there is someone else out there wealthier, more handsome, more eloquent, more confident than themselves, and they can accept that. They put their best foot forward nonetheless and take their licks as they come and don't whine about people in more advantageous circumstances than themselves in the context of masculine/feminine interpersonal relationships. A man figures that if you'll be with me, you'll be with me; if you won't, you won't. I'll try my best to do things that might keep you around and happy but I accept there are no guarantees. If you as a lady have a congenital inability to be satisfied, move on: you are beyond (my) help.

Question: When is a woman at her most 'valuable' (to a man)? When she is nubile, youthful and pliant. The reality is that time is no ally to the 'currency' of female attractiveness. While the additional education etc. are great assets, they are NOT what attracts men to women. That also accounts for the increasingly embittered tone adopted by women as time passes because in the marketplace of relationships, what they purport to sell is not what the men that they would be attracted to are buying. Beauty and youth are an endless, renewable spring to drink from and as long as there is another woman born as you read this article, 18 years from now, she's attractive and available to be approached (and it would be legal).

I would never suggest that the female attributes of education et. al. are negative and shouldn't be pursued; However women thinking that those are what increase their Intrinsic Internal Individual Value perception among men is akin to a man saying my biceps is 40 inches around. In this day and age, who cares?! Any weight he can lift with his biceps, a time-saving machine can double. My advice: have all those wonderful, useful attributes in reserve but let others celebrate them for you. The more you define yourself with them, the more insufferable you become and you are liable to keep moving from one undesirable relationship to another. Or you can simply stop dealing with men. Which would be fantastic for everyone concerned if only you’d keep your calcified opinions to yourself. It’s amazing how women who see no possible positive attributes in men are always the first to proffer their little sought after opinions, in the process polluting the minds of others more positive than themselves. I guess misery loves company!  

I hope we can cut the crap about how 'men cheat for sex, but women cheat for emotional reasons', always couched in terms as though one is 'better' of more 'excusable' than the other. Men cheat for as many emotional reasons as women do and women get just as much sexual pleasure from their cheating as men. Shed the pretext that only men seek sexual gratification. Sex is a human imperative or desire (not need) and BOTH genders seek it so we can dispense with the female argument that "we'll 'keep it' from him (men)'. The numbers above again demonstrate that there is absolutely no way YOU, in particular, can prevent a man from getting sexual gratification so there is no 'control' there.

The foregoing presents the classic Mexican stand-off. Women say they are the greatest things since sliced bread and men are all putzes; Men shrug it off and distance and insulate themselves from such ignorance. Men are generally more willing to work with women's ‘differences’ (understanding that differences in outlook or personality don't equate to faults or flaws) without too much bitterness or strings of complaints and vituperation.

Is there any way to advance? Any hope for (Nigerian) men and women to enter, engage in and enjoy relationships that they actually cherish?

Possibly, but only if we are willing to address the various double standards head-on so we can all emerge from our silly little tin-pot thralldoms of emotional turf and understand that neither gender has a lock on 'purity', 'quality', 'reasonableness' or 'higher purpose'.

Relationships can only survive and thrive if people of both genders realize there are NO perfect people out there and that for each fault or failing you identify in another person, you have at least four of your own to account for. Women in particular can begin to realize that their priorities are only one HALF of the totality of human concerns. As much as they smirk that men are only after 'one thing', they need to understand that men recognize the 'one thing' they are after as well: money (couched in euphemisms like 'security' etc.) Money. Which, when they get it courtesy of one decent job, is no excuse for the obnoxious and judgmental behavior and statements associated with some women.

To Nigerian women specifically, if you believe Nigerian men are so bad and negative, PLEASE leave them alone! It would do all concerned a world of good. If the evidence suggests you can do so much better elsewhere, free yourself! Don’t let anything stand in your path on the way out. If not, work with them as you’d have them work with you. And always, remember, to each his/her own.

Robot  # 1 | 17.10.2006 20:12

I have followed and participated in numerous gender-centric discussions on these Nigeria Village...Read the full article.

emj  # 2 | 17.10.2006 23:23

Somebody has to say it: Men want to be appreciated and valued for similar reasons that women claim they want to be valued. Just like women don't want to be seen as 'baby-making' machines or short order cooks but appreciated for their intuition, charm, intellect and other intangibles, men want to be appreciated for their courage, their vision, their sense of humor and ‘just because’. Men want to be appreciated for their humanity and not just how much they can ‘provide’. Remember this: people may forget the details of what you said or did, but they rarely forget how you made them feel. I’ll return to that later. hmmmmm--------my broda, women don't claim.........they want to be valued(VALUCARD).....is there a problem with that? And what do u mean by 'just because'. And by the BUSH, who says that women don't appreciate men or their men:rolleyes: :eek: I am regularly assailed by women opining about all that is wrong with (Nigerian) men; How they do this, don't do that, can't do the other, can't/won't commit, are completely 'intimidated' by this, that or the other, etc. Enough of the claptrap; an end is in sight. Wey the end?.............................the truth which is very bitter is that times have changed, not just some Nigerian men, but men generally prefer their freedom.....not ready to settle down or be hitched. I'll begin with this question to the ladies: What is it about YOU, in particular, that makes you believe that a man should be committed to you specifically? The fact that you possess female reproductive organs? If the world's population is approximately 6.5 billion and 25% of those are women of adult age, then you share that 'unique' quality with about 1.65 BILLION other members of our species. Even after eliminating those who are already married, single by choice or practicing lesbian lifestyles, that leaves a whole lot of people who have what you have. So that ain't gonna cut it. Old-boy, cut the chintze, can a man give birth to a baby or populate the world withoout a woman:rolleyes: Inspite of all manner of deviant behaviour, there ain't any man born of a woman who will not sommersault inspite of all posturing at the sight of a well laid out woman offering some.........(fill in the blanks) Ladies, is it because you are educated, attractive, etc.? Exactly how much 'education’ do you possess and in what field? And how 'attractive' are you in relation to __________ ? (insert the name of any pulchritudinous female beauty of your choice). When in doubt, refer to and modify the foregoing mathematical calculations. Walahi, we are very attractive, focussed, and have our heads well set etc etc...........make u look, no close eyes fight my friend(ma diju ja) Amongst numerous other complaints, an article recently published on NVS stated that Nigerian men don't know how to speak to or 'toast' a lady; a typical rant for anyone who is familiar with the regular complaints and criticisms from Nigerian women. The first thing to be stated for the benefit of women who share that complaint is that nobody is put on the surface of the earth for your amusement. If a lady does not possess the intellectual acuity to entertain and amuse herself, she should refrain from blaming the people who have the misfortune of coming in contact with her caustic personality. She could instead engage in picking up a book, getting a life and not depending on someone else to ‘toast’ her. That is why they were given so many ishos...............and a wide berth.:D A question rarely asked is what intelligence level do these Nigerian ladies bring to the table? What level of skill do they possess, and are they prepared to utilize, in order to successfully negotiate the unscientific and imprecise human arena of interpersonal masculine/feminine relationships? In a straight-out 'fight' between the genders, are women really ready for the results of a take-no-prisoners approach? Some nigerian men are boring.......yawnzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Are they truly able to 'keep up' with many of the men in conversation? Are they able to 'keep up' with the men in energy and intensity levels? Do they know how much boredom men have to endure when they go out on dates with women who initially showed promise but eventually do not and can not stimulate them on any level above the belt? All the complaints focus on what is wrong with men. I suppose it would even be easier to accept and process the complaints and criticisms if the ladies complaining displayed even a hint of introspection; fat chance! They consistently and conveniently forget that for each finger they have pointed, there are four pointing directly back at themselves. What exactly is intense about conversing with a man.........what energy do one need, or unusual effort to grab the attention of the opposite sex.........when a woman engages some men in intellectual discuss, the complaints i've noticed of recent is she too know/sabi, se she wan show us say she be dis, she be dat, na only her bin go school, abeg make we rest, blah blah blah.............:evil: Beyond that, in their desire to control the men in their lives, they seek to dictate that he puts all his resources totally at their disposal in order to massage their frail egos (did I hear someone say it's men's egos that are the problem?) It aint about massaging any ego but about doing that which is necessary as the head of the HOME.......and that is why we are called WO/MAN.....woo the man.............:idea: The sanctimonious ladies on these threads perceive themselves as particularly deserving of attention, adulation and affection but find, to their chagrin, that a number of the men they have encountered do not share their self perception of their Intrinsic Internal Individual Value. After different experiences they consider unpleasant, they formulate inanities and insults and move on enough times to become bitter, sour and all-too-willing to share their negative experiences with all who ask and many who don't care. They become adept at painting all men (except their fathers, siblings and of course, favorite cousins) as somehow lacking in one quality or the other. News flash! Nobody cares what you think when you approach them in that supercillious manner. It doesn't matter one whit what a Nigerian woman thinks of all Nigerian men if she is unwilling to assess her own outlook and contribution to the 'problem' (if there is one). Careful there my friend:rolleyes: u are stepping on Black-Ice.........we are all ladies, and have most likely at one time or the other had experiences that weren't all that kosher, that does not mean that we are so bitter that we cannot reason.......every experience IMHO is a ladder to being a better person, and to better approach the next relationship etc etc...........so therefore, gba-brake...........:rolleyes: Surprised? Don't be! What most men won't tell women in order not to crush their fragile egos is that the only woman that will excite a man continuously, in reality, is the next one! So it doesn't matter how light, dark, tall, short, fat, slim or unbeweavable you are; once the sexual mystery has been removed, it is only a matter of time before it takes a concerted belief in religious sentiments and other 'mind games' to sustain attraction, affection and attention. Very true in respect of some men.......hence those who are wise will not just drop it like dat.................hence the acid test.......13mths etc etc and even 24mths in those days:D Returning to the premise that a man is of little value (to a woman) when he has no money. As this message is internalized by men, we strive to become the kinds of men that women - in general – find attractive, by seeking education, becoming entrepreneurs etc. With proper preparation and planning, there is a chance that we might succeed and as time progresses we therefore become more and more attractive to a larger spectrum of women. This is because the 'currency' of male attractiveness is wealth, success, confidence, amongst other things. Why are women therefore so upset that men who meet their stated definitions of 'good', 'useful' men are wildly attractive to many other ladies? They attempt to use mind games or guilt-inducing techniques like 'he's not mature if he can't stay with one woman'. That is merely an attempt to define what a 'man' is by women who have no clue what it is to be women themselves. They defend their right to do and be all and anything they want, but have a stake in curtailing men's determination to do the same. Thank God that some men are not morally bankrupt and have their head were it shld be, not carried away by their attractiveness or success..........Halleluya that such men still abound. And by the way, a man who cannot stay with one woman is not mature. Question: When is a woman at her most 'valuable' (to a man)? When she is nubile, youthful and pliant. The reality is that time is no ally to the 'currency' of female attractiveness. While the additional education etc. are great assets, they are NOT what attracts men to women. That also accounts for the increasingly embittered tone adopted by women as time passes because in the marketplace of relationships, what they purport to sell is not what the men that they would be attracted to are buying. Beauty and youth are an endless, renewable spring to drink from and as long as there is another woman born as you read this article, 18 years from now, she's attractive and available to be approached (and it would be legal ). Thank you very much for the insight.....................................:cool: Is there any way to advance? Any hope for (Nigerian) men and women to enter, engage in and enjoy relationships that they actually cherish? Possibly, but only if we are willing to address the various double standards head-on so we can all emerge from our silly little tin-pot thralldoms of emotional turf and understand that neither gender has a lock on 'purity', 'quality', 'reasonableness' or 'higher purpose'. Relationships can only survive and thrive if people of both genders realize there are NO perfect people out there and that for each fault or failing you identify in another person, you have at least four of your own to account for. Women in particular can begin to realize that their priorities are only one HALF of the totality of human concerns. As much as they smirk that men are only after 'one thing', they need to understand that men recognize the 'one thing' they are after as well: money (couched in euphemisms like 'security' etc.) Money. Which, when they get it courtesy of one decent job, is no excuse for the obnoxious and judgmental behavior and statements associated with some women. Well thank you for being candid.........u came packing and for a moment i was going to enter my bunker to put on a double-layered cluster-bomb proof vest:D but at the end of the day, and getting to the last paragraph, i realised that you are just a Man born of a Woman after all..........inspite of Daddy's:eek: dexterity, he couldn't have brought you to the World alone.........so therefore my friend.........na still Check.........:cool: mate. Anywaz..........good article, i respect you candour...............:cool:

DeepThought  # 3 | 18.10.2006 00:04

Ebi, My brother I envy your bravery but with this one you write na every man for himself O, you are all alone on this one. Greet you great great grandpapa whey dey for heaven O! I'm just going to enjoy watching the women tear you to shreds as me a dey run go :D

Soul Sista  # 4 | 18.10.2006 00:17

:lol: :lol: =DeepThought;134781>Ebi, * * * I'm just going to enjoy watching the women tear you to shreds as me a dey run go :D Deep Thought: Won't he be so lucky? I would be very surprised if women tear him to shreds because of this article in which he directs his considerable anxst and frustration with his take on the state of gender affairs at them :lol: In my experience, women do not take these kinds of generalized articles as personal affronts, unlike men. This is Ezebee's opinion, he is entitled to it. But, it is not something about which I would expect several woman to get their knickers in a twist and commit the written equivalent of taking Ezebee out. Nevertheless, never say never, I leave room to be surprised. Now, men, on the other hand; need we look further than all the foaming and frothing in the mouth as well as the virtual kung fu that always accompanies Afro Poet's articles? :lol: Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling Ezebee: Why you take tell lie on me like this? Where I talk say ah no dey attracted to man wey no get money? Na wah for you o. Be like say di anger no gree you look the ting wey ah write well. Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling

katampe  # 5 | 18.10.2006 02:27

Interesting article I would say. And pretending to be objective, I would say most folks (women and men) find it hard finding their soul mate or someone that meets all their requirements.In the end people make compromises. Irrespective of what some women say, it takes finding the guy that suits their personality to make them shut up. I wouldn't take those noises so seriously. The jonesed ones are the folks that make most noise, so also the men. Sometimes we have to learn to make compromises.I know inspite of all the bravado not all people are really how they come across. You can imagine how it works when a good looking guy with a fairly decent education meets an ugly and very well educated woman.Sometimes the woman compromises and goes for the genes not the dough.And for the guy, probably the dough and not the genes. Mate selection should always be factored-in. For some females many times they like the well groomed guys.But the problem is very few groomed guys are well educated.And when they are available they may not fancy the well educated woman.It is market economics. Wetin, i dey talk be say na the shume boys dey too dey read book! So gals get hitched to dat good looking burger flipper and make sure he goes to school! It is not such a big deal afterall

EezeeBee  # 6 | 18.10.2006 03:28

@ EMJ, Thanks for your comments. As I said, while you can extend your attempts to 'define' a man or his maturity as far as you want, he is under no obligation to agree with you and ultimately, you can both agree to differ. Similarly, you would never accept a man 'defining' you or your maturity as a woman. @ Deepthought, No shaking! We can't live in a permanent fear of being 'taken out' so I'm not worried about that. If attacks are to come my way about my person, they will merely be the opinions of the writers, something, like elbows, that we all possess. If the discourse is about the article, I'm confident I can debate with the best wo/man on the boards. For me it isn't about conflict but about collaborative advancement in new understanding. @ Soul Sista, In a fairly typical diversionary tactic, you adopt a usual approach which comprises of focusing on YOUR assessment of my 'considerable angst and frustration', rather than on anything contained in the article. Being a lawyer, and therefore an expert in the use of evidence, perhaps you would be willing to share some of the evidence you have of my 'frustration' with other readers. While you are at it, please be so kind as to expatiate on the 'foaming and frothing in the mouth' to which you refer. Thanks (in anticipation). Am I really lying, Soul Sista? You've (kindly) revealed a little about yourself to us and fortunately (and by the grace of God) you aren't exactly from a non-moneyed family so if your reply I quote below is anything to go by, it can safely be assumed you wanted a man with money (and I agree, you owe NO ONE any apologies). = Soul Sista>10-13-2006, 06:08 PM Soul Sista Soul Sista is offline Villager Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: GIDI TOWN Gender: Female Posts: 403 I don't care what people say. I wanted a guy who was from the same/similar background, a professional, and as well or better educated as me. That background and education requirements were "under must" and I don't apologize for them. EDIT: Soul Sista, Why have you deleted that post now? I tried to link to it directly but fortunately, I had downloaded all the comments on that thread prior to writing the article. EDIT 2: Ah ah Soul Sista, why are you deleting posts now? Fortunately, I saw and downloaded your response to Deepthought from the front page. Let's discuss/argue/agree on the basis of the same information. Don't leave others out of the loop. =Soul Sista>Today, 12:17 AM Soul Sista Soul Sista is offline Villager Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: GIDI TOWN Gender: Female Posts: 403 Soul Sista is on a distinguished road Default Re: .Intrinsic Internal Individual Value (Or The Genesis Of The Gender Wars) Quote: Originally Posted by DeepThought View Post Ebi, * * * I'm just going to enjoy watching the women tear you to shreds as me a dey run go Deep Thought: Won't he be so lucky? I would be very surprised if women tear him to shreds because of this article in which he directs his considerable anxst and frustration with his take on the state of gender affairs at them In my experience, women do not take these kinds of generalized articles as personal affronts, unlike men. This is Ezebee's opinion, he is entitled to it. But, it is not something about which I would expect several woman to get their knickers in a twist and commit the written equivalent of taking Ezebee out. Nevertheless, never say never, I leave room to be surprised. Now, men, on the other hand; need we look further than all the foaming and frothing in the mouth as well as the virtual kung fu that always accompanies Afro Poet's articles? Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling Ezebee: Why you take tell lie on me like this? Where I talk say ah no dey attracted to man wey no get money? Na wah for you o. Be like say di anger no gree you look the ting wey ah write well. Soul Sista a/k/a Soul Sizzling @ Katamkpe, No need to pretend to be objective. Let it all out. If you disagree, say so. Nothing spoil! You've got one simple aspect of what I'm saying 'compromise' is at the heart of happiness in relationships. Another thing at the heart is acceptance. The people who appear to complain the longest and loudest are unable to exercise those two qualities and that is what makes them so toxic. Everybody has flaws and everybody is different; just because someone doesn't look at the world from your viewpoint doesn't make them 'bad'. They are just different. It is those differences that can be the spice of relationships OR the poison. Each person (male and female) has to decide what their attitude will be because nobody but you can make you happy.

What?  # 7 | 18.10.2006 04:51

About time too, some comments from a male point of view: I'll begin with this question to the ladies: What is it about YOU, in particular, that makes you believe that a man should be committed to you specifically? The fact that you possess female reproductive organs? If the world's population is approximately 6.5 billion and 25% of those are women of adult age, then you share that 'unique' quality with about 1.65 BILLION other members of our species. Even after eliminating those who are already married, single by choice or practicing lesbian lifestyles, that leaves a whole lot of people who have what you have. So that ain't gonna cut it. No my brother they are educated just like millions of University graduates roaming the streets of Nigeria. Ladies, is it because you are educated, attractive, etc.? Exactly how much 'education’ do you possess and in what field? And how 'attractive' are you in relation to __________ ? (insert the name of any pulchritudinous female beauty of your choice). When in doubt, refer to and modify the foregoing mathematical calculations. I disagree, most men give more weight to physical beauty. Returning to the premise that a man is of little value (to a woman) when he has no money. As this message is internalized by men, we strive to become the kinds of men that women - in general – find attractive, by seeking education, becoming entrepreneurs etc. With proper preparation and planning, there is a chance that we might succeed and as time progresses we therefore become more and more attractive to a larger spectrum of women. This is because the 'currency' of male attractiveness is wealth, success, confidence, amongst other things. Why are women therefore so upset that men who meet their stated definitions of 'good', 'useful' men are wildly attractive to many other ladies? They attempt to use mind games or guilt-inducing techniques like 'he's not mature if he can't stay with one woman'. That is merely an attempt to define what a 'man' is by women who have no clue what it is to be women themselves. They defend their right to do and be all and anything they want, but have a stake in curtailing men's determination to do the same. Unappealing or quarrelsome women are of little value to attractive, high achieving men. All the defining cannot change that. Unlike women, men ALWAYS know there is someone else out there wealthier, more handsome, more eloquent, more confident than themselves, and they can accept that. They put their best foot forward nonetheless and take their licks as they come and don't whine about people in more advantageous circumstances than themselves in the context of masculine/feminine interpersonal relationships. A man figures that if you'll be with me, you'll be with me; if you won't, you won't. I'll try my best to do things that might keep you around and happy but I accept there are no guarantees. If you as a lady have a congenital inability to be satisfied, move on: you are beyond (my) help. Question: When is a woman at her most 'valuable' (to a man)? When she is nubile, youthful and pliant. The reality is that time is no ally to the 'currency' of female attractiveness. While the additional education etc. are great assets, they are NOT what attracts men to women. That also accounts for the increasingly embittered tone adopted by women as time passes because in the marketplace of relationships, what they purport to sell is not what the men that they would be attracted to are buying. Beauty and youth are an endless, renewable spring to drink from and as long as there is another woman born as you read this article, 18 years from now, she's attractive and available to be approached (and it would be legal). Let me add there is also the issue of menopause. All the grammar in the world cannot erase this. How many men can honestly say they will go thru it with a girlfriend? Also, most women think their competition is whoever they imagine their peer group is. In reality it is every other woman from the jambites to their bosses, and depending on the morals of these women, married and single. This is the world of freedom women wanted, I hope it never ends. I hope we can cut the crap about how 'men cheat for sex, but women cheat for emotional reasons', always couched in terms as though one is 'better' of more 'excusable' than the other. Men cheat for as many emotional reasons as women do and women get just as much sexual pleasure from their cheating as men. Shed the pretext that only men seek sexual gratification. Sex is a human imperative or desire (not need) and BOTH genders seek it so we can dispense with the female argument that "we'll 'keep it' from him (men)'. The numbers above again demonstrate that there is absolutely no way YOU, in particular, can prevent a man from getting sexual gratification so there is no 'control' there. Actually the consequence of cheating has more dire consequences for the man. He ends up rearing the bastard of the bastard that was banging his wife behind his back. In the west he is also obligated financially support this child. Men are not stupid for avoiding settling down with promiscuous women, retired or otherwise. To Nigerian women specifically, if you believe Nigerian men are so bad and negative, PLEASE leave them alone! It would do all concerned a world of good. If the evidence suggests you can do so much better elsewhere, free yourself! Don’t let anything stand in your path on the way out. Nuff said

akuluouno  # 8 | 18.10.2006 06:00

For forms of relationship, let the people contend. What is best is that which is best entered into lovingly and with trust. It was the wise toad, the brother of frog who said that husband is sweet and went to prove it by carrying her own on her back.

Djister  # 9 | 18.10.2006 06:11

Ebi Bozimo, I commend your article and the frankness you put out. You have not highlighted the basis for this gender wars but have laid out what is the opinion of many men. The only problem here is that there are two categories of responders you will see are very passionate, to the point of near-violence, about what you have written. Category 1: The Confused Female. The Confused Female is defined as that one who is in limbo between personal wishes and desires versus societal view of women. This female has her preferences and choices however they are usually in conflict with what society perceives or prescribes as ‘decent’ and/or ‘ladylike’. The conflict within this female arises when the need to cater for those preferences clashes with thoughts of how this will be seen by others. They usually go with the bulls@#t line of “Who cares what anybody says”. Absolute nonsense in my opinion, she cares. Everybody requires a certain amount of ‘confirmation’ of what they are or do. It is the standard human measurement of who we are and how we are considered. The desires of the Confused Female have negative connotations within society. She wants a Made Man. She wants a Safety Net. She wants to be taken care of. She wants everything but does not want to be seen as a ‘gold-digger’. She wants. She wants ‘independence’ yet desires a man to ‘provide for her needs’. She wants ‘money’ yet the onus is on her man to ‘bring it home’. She wants the comfortable (read as luxurious) lifestyle but preferably with someone else’s money. She wants to assert herself but within the confines of someone else’s hard work. But what does she offer? Whatever the Confused Female has to offer, you are right, there are many more of the same and sometimes better out there. Everything the Confused Female has to offer can be ‘bought’ and paid for. What is special about the Confused Female? Nothing. Category 2: The ‘Shy’ Man. This one is the funniest of men. He only strives for one thing in discussions like this. ‘To look good to the female audience’. He must not admit to the realities of his own opinions otherwise he may not look ‘attractive’ to the ladies. The Shy Guy is the one that will boast rowdily in the presence of his guys and the minute a woman walks in, he becomes the ‘understanding’, caring bobo. He ‘knows’ what women want and he always has a shoulder ready for the ladies to cry on. This foolish guy is the main destructive element in relationships between the sexes. But he understands the ‘emotional’ weakness of women. He understands that they ‘fall’ for any ‘caring’ and ‘understanding’ crap that the nearest person offers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The reality is that there are ‘Strong’ women and ‘Weak’ women just as there are men. Once any party fails to hold their own they begin to ‘depend’ on someone else. This is when the ‘confusion’ and ‘shyness’ begins. Human beings of either sex require the SAME elements of comfort, caring, support and understanding. Society ‘fools’ the man that it should be him that it all boils down to. The woman accepts this prescription for her own ‘self-centred’ comfort. The man accepts because he knows nothing different. The woman’s needs change, informed by what she sees around her and in particular what her friends ‘have’. The man unfortunately is not informed about this change of focus. The problems start when the man is being measured by other standards and since he is unaware, he cannot matchup anyway. The biggest ‘change’ in a woman’s needs is ECONOMIC. Every other claim ‘emotional’, ‘comfort’ etc etc is crap as far as the ‘weak’ woman is concerned. TRUTH is hard to admit for many when your comments are digested.

Palamedes  # 10 | 18.10.2006 06:13

In a world overcharged with political correctness (or cowardliness), call me a dinosaur because I refuse to be politically correct and I concur with your article largely. The question 'What Do Men Want' is an age-old one and although it looks simple in prints, it a very difficult one to answer. It would take a man the whole of his life to answer it, and even then will still fail to answer it satisfactorily, but it is a question that must be asked. In life, you don't get what you want but what comes to you by way of negotiations. Personally, I would like to leave the big city and start a colony by the sea with thirteen virgins, but would I ever have that? Hell no! Here I am, toiling away in the big city, getting ready for yet another meeting and hoping to seat next to the fragrant Susan again, whom I want, but can not have. As for both our unsatisfied and dissatisfied women, I say this unto thee, the 'philosophy of the door' says, the door does not only let one in but also let one out. Out of the door, I am sure that you would find a Mr. Big earner, a Mr. Body builder, a Mr. Universe, a Mr 5-times-a-night stud, a Mr Comedian, a Mr Modern 'knickers washer' man, a Mr. Strictly 9-to-4 worker, and a Mr. Chef, all rolled into one to satisfy your fantasies, and I say good luck to you. To you, Mr. Ebi Bozimo, Sir, I say, more strength to your typing fingers.

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