The tragic news of the woman who lost her life allegedly at the hands of her husband has elicited free-flowing opinions even as the story unfolds. Various commenters have chosen to address the tragic loss of life, marital power issues perhaps arising from the relative earning power of each half of the couple, covert or overt domestic abuse and some have engaged in closet psychotherapy.

Everybody, somehow has an 'expert opinion' to contribute on the particular case; I can only mourn the tragedy of the woman's death, the tragedy of her children's loss, the tragedy of her husband's (potential) incarceration and the shock to their erstwhile community here and back home.

Various statistics point to negative trends in marital harmony and if a straw poll were taken from the ebb and flow of discourse, debate and diatribe on this and many other threads on the NVS boards, two broad schools of opinion might be indentified:

• 'MOST' of the female posters on NVS believe men (of Nigerian descent in the diaspora) are 'lacking' in refinement and sophistication, can't/don't/won't 'provide', irredeemably unromantic, callous, crude and controlling.
• 'MOST' of the male posters on NVS believe women (of Nigerian descent in the diaspora) are immersed in inconsequentialities, possessed of an entitlement mentality, arrogant, controlling, dismissive, disconnected and disrespectful.

While it is debatable whether the foregoing summary is limited to Nigerians in diaspora, as a subset, it is indicative that neither party is getting what they desire out of marriage. Fortunately, some have opted for marriages to people of many other stripes and deserve congratulations for acting in their own enlightened self-interest. Others have chosen to cohabit and simply avoid the complications of marriage. To each his/her own. For the rest who CHOOSE to marry fellow Nigerians, the foregoing summary would suggest that levels of marital (and relationship) satisfaction are low and plummetting.

Would it help if diasporan Nigerian courtship process and marriages were structured as follows?

COURTSHIP

1. Both parties introduce the other to their attorney and their accountant at the start of the relationship (the first day/night/time they meet). At this meeting they each establish and agree on a hybrid hourly rate related with their current occupations, age and health history. Potential increases in earning power etc. are provided for according to industry standards. Income to debt ratios are carefully scrutinized and the findings duly recorded.
   
2. Sign off sheets are exchanged and a value established for a woman's attractiveness and for a man's earning abilities (not because men aren't attractive or women don't earn a lot of money, but because those are the biological basis of the things that each gender 'values' in the other). Of course these rates are not established in isolation. For the man, based on the numbers and range of women THAT PARTICULAR MAN finds attractive AND for the reasons HE finds them attractive he assigns a value to her. For the woman, based on how many men SHE CAN IDENTIFY that will surely earn what she requires, she establishes a value for him. The man has NO RIGHT to question her expectations and she has NO RIGHT to question his taste or range of possible attractive partners. All rights are thereby protected and respected.
3. This initial meeting will help BOTH parties avoid wasting each other's time once they see that the other party simply does NOT perceive them as 'valuable' as they perceive themselves. The costs of coffee at these meetings will be tax-deductible (in the US at least).
4. In the interests of full disclosure, the female provides a list of items she expects and at what stage or specific date following the marriage date she expects them so that the man has an established target to hit (or miss) thereby providing at useful tool with which to accurately gauge her levels of marital satisfaction. The woman does not have to justify anything she requires, again protecting her rights.
5. The man in his turn, in the interests of full disclosure, provides a list of the ladies he expects his wife to be comparably attractive to at different stages of their marriage so that his level of marital satisfaction can also be gauged. The man does not have to justify anything he adjudges attractive, thereby protecting his rights. Both lists are signed, witnessed, notarized and conveyed physically or electronically to a 'Courtship Vault'.
6. The Courtship Vault: This is a repository of physical and electronic evidence of the ongoing couples investment during the courtship process, in a searchable, password protected database, accessible over the internet for instant connectivity. It eliminates the uncertainty and 'sentiment' of courtship as nothing not spelt out in advance is reason for dissatisfaction. If new items are constantly added by either party, the consequence is a reduction in that individuals overall value or 'bargaining power' within the relationship because they did not spell out in advance all their requirements during Meeting #1. Exceeding a pre-determined number of  ad-hoc items is grounds for terminating the courtship process by either party.
7. If anything is planned and executed, 'just because' in order to surprise or otherwise please the other party, it has no value because it was not 'planned' in advance; it is therefore recommended that following the initial meeting, each party takes a mutually agreed upon 2 weeks at the minimum to consult widely with their 'constituency' about what THEY want on their list. This ensures that the woman gets all her bitter friends together to populate her comprehensive list and the man gets all his disillusioned friends together to populate his.
8. Consequences for either party not meeting up with the other persons 'list' are also spelt out at this stage further eliminating ambiguity.
9. Both parties commence to maintain a running tab of how much they each invest during courtship in terms of gasoline, meals, travel and commuting time, visits, (opportunity lost to work or rest), cards, composing and sending e-mails, forwarding jokes, telephone calls (free nights and weekend plans are naturally disclosed up front).
10. By the time for the marriage, each person generates a report on how much time and more they have expended during courtship. All outside meals, movies and other dates are tallied based on receipts; all meals provided by either party at home are valued in line with current local market conditions in the area they live. Both reports are proofread, bound and submitted to independent auditors for vetting. The auditor's report is entered into the marriage record, published as a publicly available pdf file to be used as case studies for prospective couples and sent as an e-mail attachment to both parties bitter, disillusioned and dateless friends.

It should be noted and emphasized that courtship is NO guarantee of marriage. A cold, hard assessment should be done by both parties (with the help of their accountants) to assess their Return On Investment (ROI), Cost/Benefit Analysis (CBA) and Comparable Returns On Investment (CROI) they could have got elsewhere. If the analysis does not yield sufficient returns or meet with their pre-communicated expectations, NEITHER party should enter marriage and spare the other the agony of co-habiting with their unsatisfied selves. They should move on to other people who will meet their exact set of variables. This will greatly reduce relationship and marital disharmony for Nigerian couples in the diaspora (and possibly at home).

MARRIAGE

In the event that the Cost/Benefit Analysis for BOTH parties falls within the ranges that they find acceptable, the couple can make a clear eyed decision to proceed with marriage.

(a) Since the standard for measurement of marital harmony by many Nigerian relationships in the diaspora has become financially driven, a lucid market economic rationale should be applied in our marriages. Like every other arrangement, a formal document  - informed by the original document in the 'Courtship Vault', - spelling out the various expectations, tasks and roles of each party should be signed by both parties. (It is important that this document is based on the first one in the Courtship Vault so that neither party 'springs surprises' on the other i.e. a man who 'pretended' he loved his high-income earning jet-setting, 'independent' woman should not expect any changes from her just because he married her; likewise, a woman who pretended she was 'submissive' during courtship in order to 'get a man' should not now enter the house and put on a different set of airs.)

(b) A formula should be adopted by couples and entered into the marriage register, planks of which should include the following, as a minimum:

The market price for each item of dish washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing cars, yardwork, killing rodents, home maintenance, painting, web research, sex etc. (or package deals where available).

(c) Note that in the current market-driven CBA thinking, it is possible for either party to assess that the cost of acquiring a certain item is more economical outside the household and based on their Cost/Benefit Analysis, they should be free, welcome and encouraged to acquire these services elsewhere

(d) Children: If a couple agree to have children, the woman's loss of income (in our modern, market-driven economy) must be factored. If the couple agree that they cannot afford to lose her income for the period of pregnancy in order to maintain all aspects of their current lifestyle, as well as considering the extra monies needed for pre and post-natal care, daycare, infant formula, diapers, clothing, medical checkups, all of which reduce each parties contribution to the family's finances, the couple should remain childless. In addition, if the changes the woman's body would undergo would greatly diminish the husband's appreciation of her attractiveness, they couple should remain childless (if this was a major item in the Courtship Vault).

(e) In the event that their Cost/Benefit Analysis suggests that they can afford a child/children, the time lost during pregnancy to morning sickness, doctor visits, time off for delivery etc. should be entered in a spreadsheet. If the man is 'providing' during that period, this should be considered an 'advance investment' on the early years when the woman might be required to provide more active childcare. When the woman takes time to feed the baby, it should be 'credited' to her account; when the man burps the baby or rocks it to sleep, it should be credited to his account. This will ensure an egalitarian marriage with equality assured in the distribution of tasks and resources.

(f) The most important thing that should be agreed BEFORE marriage should be the duration. Each marriage should be contracted for a defined time frame, perhaps a minimum of 3 years initially and/or till each child is at least 3 years old (if the couple agreed on children). At the end of the marriage term, either party  should have the option to renew, go month by month, or cancel (just like you do with your cellphone). Like your cellphone company, each party who wants the other to remain will be inspired to offer incentives - free new phones, extra minutes, weekend minutes in the case of cell phone companies - to encourage a re-signing. This will keep BOTH parties invested in the marriage, and if EITHER desires to leave, they can do so according to the terms of the contract.

(g) If the marriage has yielded any products - children - the terms of their support and custody should be clearly defined IN ADVANCE. Spousal support should be excluded from any such agreement because there is no need to build in the potential for EITHER party to 'profit' from the development of the other. This way the highly paid jet-setting executive-types (male and female) can rest assured that they will keep their monies in the event of divorce. This will remove a major form of stress leading to destructive and dangerous behavior by either party.

(h) Any other products from the couple could be patented and the resulting royalties divided based on the receipts that show just what each party actually contributed to the item/product. This will also eliminate the whole idea of someone 'supporting' the other while they were working; what you put in is what you get out.

The preceding prescription will ameliorate a lot of the pre- and post-marital stresses that we read and hear about, and individually experience and many arguments will be eliminated with a print out of 'contributions' to date. Hopefully, the couple's perception of 'love' and 'appreciation' will also be enhanced within the context of marriage.

With this novel 'open-eye', wysiwyg, looking out for Number One paradigm, the ultimate goal in a successful diasporan Nigerian marriage should be for both parties to relentlessly ensure that their spouse's financial contributions to the marriage are closely equal to theirs so that if or when unresolvable disagreements occur, BOTH parties are able to walk away calmly and safely without feeling 'cheated.'

LIMITATIONS

I broke out some of the elements of Nigerian diasporan marriage in a financial model because that is increasingly becoming the pre-eminent basis for SOME women measuring the men in their relationships and marriages: by how much he 'provides'; If a man isn't 'providing' that new car every 2 years, that bigger house every 5 years, he's an inadequate 'provider'.

I have also contributed a candid tool which SOME men can provide for their wives to measure up to. (don't look like that 'video girl'?, grounds for marital disatisfaction and 'outsourcing'; business decisions, remember?), I have eliminated the 'intangibles' (na dat one I go chop?)  like loyalty, honesty, sense of duty, roles, God's blessings, mutual respect and, heaven forbid, mutual love, within the modern Nigerian diasporan marriage because it does not appear to count for much anymore.

POSTSCRIPT: Whoever you are, If you have bothered to reach this point in the article, I sincerely pray that you can introspect about what REALLY matters in your relationships and marriage: It is not what the 'Joneses' next door or across town have or do that matters in YOUR household. The core qualities of compromise, patience and understanding (the marriage CPU) are sorely lacking in many modern households and instead replaced with criticism, scorn and indifference.

Give your spouse/partner some space; give them permission to make mistakes and be imperfect around you because, we could ALL improve in one way or another. Apart from Jesus Christ, NOBODY is perfect!

TOP LINE LAST: May God have mercy on the departed Mrs. Onwuka whose recent death inspired this article and provide her family the strength to bear her loss.

Ebi Bozimo is a student of the human condition

Robot  # 1 | 30.08.2006 20:03

The tragic news of thewoman who lost her life allegedly at the hands of her husband has eli...Read the full article.

emj  # 2 | 30.08.2006 21:13

With this novel 'open-eye', wysiwyg, looking out for Number One paradigm, the ultimate goal in a successful diasporan Nigerian marriage should be for both parties to relentlessly ensure that their spouse's financial contributions to the marriage are closely equal to theirs so that if or when unresolvable disagreements occur, BOTH parties are able to walk away calmly and safely without feeling 'cheated. ' Ebi Bozimo---LMAO:biggrin: dis one na real oyinbo analysis oooo--Nice one, if ever we can be that diligent. LIMITATIONS I broke out some of the elements of Nigerian diasporan marriage in a financial model because that is increasingly becoming the pre-eminent basis for SOME women measuring the men in their relationships and marriages: by how much he 'provides'; If a man isn't 'providing' that new car every 2 years, that bigger house every 5 years, he's an inadequate 'provider'. Not just some women, also some men, they now look out for whether the woman is 'economically viable'---look to see whether she is at par with them, they don't want to foot the bill alone---not with someone with a low Networth.:eek: I have also contributed a candid tool which SOME men can provide for their wives to measure up to. (don't look like that 'video girl'?, grounds for marital disatisfaction and 'outsourcing'; business decisions, remember?), I have eliminated the 'intangibles' (na dat one I go chop?) like loyalty, honesty, sense of duty, roles, God's blessings, mutual respect and, heaven forbid, mutual love, within the modern Nigerian diasporan marriage because it does not appear to count for much anymore. POSTSCRIPT: Whoever you are, If you have bothered to reach this point in the article, I sincerely pray that you can introspect about what REALLY matters in your relationships and marriage: It is not what the 'Joneses' next door or across town have or do that matters in YOUR household. The core qualities of compromise, patience and understanding (the marriage CPU) are sorely lacking in many modern households and instead replaced with criticism, scorn and indifference. Give your spouse/partner some space; give them permission to make mistakes and be imperfect around you because, we could ALL improve in one way or another. Apart from Jesus Christ, NOBODY is perfect! Hear hear, may God help us all................................. BTW----------u no remember to cost all the wear and tear dem:biggrin:

Habiba  # 3 | 30.08.2006 21:14

Huum! The CPU of marriage. You talk well my brother/sister. Compromise, Patience and Understanding. You cannot go wrong with that combination. That is definite! I also believe that Sympathy too goes hand in hand with Understanding. How much understanding is there if it is not accompanied by sympathy. Thanks again Ebi.

DaBishop  # 4 | 30.08.2006 21:38

Good one there ojare. I had a friend who had native wisdom and I never understood (I wasn't married then) why each time I asked him Yaya Iyali (how family)? He always answered=Sai hakuri. Now I know becos the book people say na CPU; I had thought dat na computer. Sai hakuri. :lol:

EezeeBee  # 5 | 30.08.2006 21:51

=emj;128095>' BTW----------u no remember to cost all the wear and tear dem:biggrin: EMJ, You sef know say the accountant go include the 'wear' and 'tear' under the 'depreciation' column!:D

emj  # 6 | 30.08.2006 22:10

=EezeeBee;128105>EMJ, You sef know say the accountant go include the 'wear' and 'tear' under the 'depreciation' column!:D :biggrin: :rolleyes: :eek: :biggrin: :biggrin: ----Eezeebee, how u dey? Se bodi still get cloth to wear? :D The accountant wey no gree perfect the books go see wen:lol: BTW---na who go monitor/supervise the accountant?

techsista  # 7 | 30.08.2006 23:30

I almost died laughing when I read this. Umm how do you factor love into your calculations? Is it tax-deductible? Or does it only occur when Naijas court and marry non-Naijas :-)?

fredlintaz  # 8 | 30.08.2006 23:59

I have eliminated the 'intangibles' (na dat one I go chop?) like loyalty, honesty, sense of duty, roles, God's blessings, mutual respect and, heaven forbid, mutual love, within the modern Nigerian diasporan marriage because it does not appear to count for much anymore. _____________________________ Excellent work here: what we have now for the most part is marriage by mathematics; love is unfortunately missing, hence the endless chain of problems.

What?  # 9 | 31.08.2006 01:54

I have eliminated the 'intangibles' (na dat one I go chop?) like loyalty, honesty, sense of duty, roles, God's blessings, mutual respect and, heaven forbid, mutual love, within the modern Nigerian diasporan marriage because it does not appear to count for much anymore. Reasons why Nigerians get married- 1) All their friends are getting married 2) To have children 3) Acquire a spouse that is better looking/richer/ from a more 'popular' family than their friends' 4) Have an expensive wedding to show the world they have arrived 5) Get two incomes to keep up with the Joneses 6) Get a billpay machine, or maid with benefits ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' 999) Spend their life with a compatible partner sharing the same life goals 1000) Love based on mental and physical attraction, mutual trust, and respect. On first date, the fight is over who will cook, or washing dishes. Helloooo...isn't that why you first talk on the phone and ask questions? The funniest was that chap in the gossip rags who was mad at his wife when he found out several years and children later his wife was not willing to learn how to cook. What were they talking about when they were dating? Did he not see the signs? Another funny one is the 'my wife is too conservative in bed'. Generally it gets worse after you get married. If there were no gymnastics before you got married, learn to live without it. It is one thing if you were sold a false bill of goods, like the female who comes to visit with Victoria's Secret, pots and pans every weekend, only to revert to wrappa with granny blouses, and tantalizers for dinner after marriage. My people do your due dilligence, overlook the ikebe for a second and ask where she sees herself in 10 years. Put down the plate of soup and ask what she thinks about seperate accounts. Forget about the car and ask what he thinks about extended family, or women who wait to have children after they have established her career. Finding a spouse is not like shopping for tomatoes, it takes more than a squeeze and poke to find the right one.

EezeeBee  # 10 | 31.08.2006 08:11

=Habiba;128096>Huum! The CPU of marriage. You talk well my brother/sister. Compromise, Patience and Understanding. You cannot go wrong with that combination. That is definite! I also believe that Sympathy too goes hand in hand with Understanding. How much understanding is there if it is not accompanied by sympathy. Thanks again Ebi. Lady Habiba! You are right; sympathy and empathy for your partner's shoes is a critical tool for constructing and cementing relationships under normal circumstances. Unfortunately, it too has no place in the 'modern' Nigerian diasporan marriage. Oga What? Your first few items on that list are regrettably all too common reasons for marriage these days, especially #1 and 4! What a pity!

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