Your Royal Majesty,

Regnant today, Your Royal Highness, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other Realms and Territories, Queen, head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the faith. Queen Elizabeth II, custodian of the British Empire, we hail you. As the sun set on the British Empire, the Twentieth Century and dawns on a New Millenium, we look back on the Empire in the last hundred, nay thousand years and declare, “ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

The story of your British Royal family goes back almost to the beginning of the last millenium. We salute a Royal heritage that traces its lineage back practically a thousand years, to King William I of England, called The Conqueror (1027-87), first French-Norman king of England (1066-87). He came from Normandy in France to defeat King Harold at the battle of Hastings (1066), and took over the English throne in a still unbroken line of succession called the Plantagenets. He is generally regarded as one of the outstanding figures in western European history. Born in Falaise, France, William was the illegitimate son of Robert I, Duke of Normandy, and Arletta, a tanner's daughter, and is therefore sometimes called William the Bastard. The Plantagenet Royal heritage blended with English Regal Flanders. A meeting and mating of the Visigoths and Vandal Vikings, Swedish, Norwegian and Danish Norsemen on the one side, with the earthy and barbaric Grimaldi, Picts, Celts, Romans, Angles, Saxons and Germans Franks. Frankly speaking, a compound mixture. A beginning totally forgotten, yet often replayed.

Over the last thousand years, Good Kings and Queens have reigned. Alliances have been made and broken through intermarriage between the more than forty Royal families in Europe. Loyalties changed drastically with dire consequences that read like today’s intrigues. In 1100, King William II died from a stray arrow while hunting. Queen Matilda died from suspected poisoning in 1141. In 1327 excruciating Edward II was disemboweled traditionally with a red-hot poker, so was Edward V in 1486. Henry VI was stabbed fatally in the Tower in 1471, while Queen Jane was beheaded in the same Tower in 1554. Charles II was more innovative, he died of Mercurial poisoning. Charles I changed venue and was beheaded at Whitehall, Windsor in 1649. Odd, that word beheaded…It sounds as if one were given a second head. When your head is removed forcefully, you should be deheaded, I think. English is such a Queen’s, queer, irregular language. Not surprising that it was called vernacular when Latin held sway. Anyway, it gave us the first complete English Bible through William Wycliffe in 1384, long before the King James authorized one in 1611. Thank God for the Bible, Thank God for the English language, Thank God for William Shakespeare).

The last hundred years have been the most eventful. Just one Hundred years ago, the British Empire was at its height. The longest lived British monarch (81 Years 243 days), and the longest enthroned (64Years) sat upon the throne. (It is hoped for Prince Charles’ sake Ma’am, that you do not intend to outlast her reign). Victoria Alexandrina, Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Victoria, queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and Empress of India, married her first cousin Albert, and laid a personal example of honesty, patriotism, and devotion to family life. She was a living symbol of the solidity of the British Empire. Her reign encompassed the Crimean and Boer wars, Indian mutiny, emancipation of slavery, its enforcement on the International front, and parliamentary reforms, Irish self-rule, Charlie Peace and Jack the Ripper on the homefront. It was also the era of Sherlock Holmes, master sleuth. The Empire was solid and unshakable, it was thought.

Your Majesty, your reign has been marked by vast changes in the lives of your people and in the power and prestige of your nation, unaffected by the “Simple” abdication. From just before your reign began in 1952 and by the early 1980s some 40 former British colonies, protectorates, and mandate territories were granted their independence. The intractable Northern Ireland problem has reached its détente. The Provos no longer need to prove anything, and Orangemen advertise Mirinda in Nigeria. On the British home front, the economic difficulties suffered after World War II have devolved into the British membership of the EU. Throughout this period, your primary role as a symbol of unity and continuity within the Commonwealth of Nations was complemented by the Bulldogged heroism of the British epitomized by Sir Winston Churchill. You gave us the British Commonwealth, which stopped being common ever since the British government instituted extreme and prejudiced immigration laws. Us former colonies feel we’re entitled to some of the largesse that was taken from our shores. It doesn’t matter that you can go a whole day in London and hardly see a real white face. All the shades of yellow and brown, but no white. “The Empire Strikes back!” British Steel tested its mettle and hulls through gunboat diplomacy at the Falkland (Malvinas) Islands and won? A Coal cool Prime Minister, the best.

The Royal family has also undergone changes during your reign. The lives of the Royal family became public property due to in-depth press coverage. Princes’ Charles and Andrew, surrounded by accusations of infidelity, divorced their wives in a flurry of international press coverage, Telephoto lenses, tell-all books and scandalous television confessions. Diaphanous Di of blessed memory almost took the Royal family back in a full circle to Egypt, endangering all those centuries of refined in breeding. There are obviously no Earlships or British passports available for the Knightsbridge Constituency. Ah Yes, beggin’ your pardon Ma’am, with six hundred rooms at ol’ Buckingham how did he get lost into your bedroom? Where was incandescent Mr. Corfu? Anyway, they say Caesar’s wife… These unhappy events damaged the reputation of the royal family, and almost brought it into odium as British upper lips lost their stiffness and wagged ceaselessly. Honestly Ma’am, I was moved when I read of your confession of an Ano horribilis. I agree with that imagery. All rear ends are ‘orrible, and it was a bum of a year.

Speaking Ma’am of horrible periods of time, I really must come to the point of this Note Verbale. On behalf of myself, my nuclear and extended family, in-laws, members of my ethnic division, the larger group, my region and the peoples of the Federal? Democratic, Military Republic of Nigeria, I bring you greetings from one member of the family to another. You may please recollect Ma’am, that your great grandmother, Queen Victoria had a grandmother Queen Charlotte Sophia, (1744-1818), wife of King George III (1760-1820), that was born of a mulatto African grandfather. His name was Duke Alessandro Medici, first Duke of Florence (were you named for him or for Alexander the Great, Ma’am?). He was the illegitimate son of Cardinal de Medici, who went on to become Pope Clement VII. You can see that we are cousins many times removed. Permanently removed, it seems. I digress. Let me come back to the point.

Back in 1914, the British emissary, Lord Frederick John Dealtry Lugard, as Governor of Nigeria achieved an administrative coup in merging the Northern and Southern Protectorates of Nigeria with the Lagos dependency to form the Nation, Nigeria. This ensured that the commercially viable South would continuously fund the unviable North and relieve the British Government of having to pay colossal subventions for the administration of the North. He advised and implemented the policy of Indirect Rule, which only worked well through the feudal northern rulers. As the Nationalist agitation began, lessons from the Boer Wars and the Indian nationalist struggle, put a structure in place to ensure that the Nigerian Independence was only a flag one. The north, through three constitutions before Independence, with utter disregard of the Cardinal principles or equitable partitioning, was established larger than the two other regions put together. With the British in control, Censuses were conducted attributing ridiculously high density figures to Sahara desert and Savannah areas in the north and low density figures in delta, riverside and riverine areas. The polity was permanently destabilized. Military takeover was initially not discouraged, and we have gone through a civil war and brutal military rule. Mediocrity was enthroned with dictatorship in its worst civilian and brutally military forms. There was misrule of the impoverished majority by a few wealthy. Add ethnic jingoism to this mixture, douse it liberally with Religious intolerance and flambé it with poverty-induced crime. Immolation! General Abacha, culmination and embodiment of all that is negative about Northern Nigeria met his Waterloo as Nigerians went to Canossa to find an answer to him and all that he represented.

Today, President Obasanjo heads a democratically elected Government. Some say it is being run by the combined Ogboni (ROF?), Freemasons and Odd fellows Lodges, others say God is on the Throne. I go with the latter group. But fairness does not reign yet. 5th columnists abound and the hawks still circle. The injustice, distortions and imbalances in the system still have to be dealt with. Ethnic militancy is on the rise, Nigeria is coming apart at the seams, and we remember the lessons of German revanchism. Many of us would like to sit at a Conference of all Nationalities to ensure fairness all round. As a Sovereign, perhaps you could be the Special Guest of honor, to add the word in the most palliative manner possible. Your Royal Majesty, this is an appeal to your good “offices”. We are not talking Slavery, nor do we not mention reparations or debt forgiveness. We don’t care about Barclays Bank, which was set up by two Slave dealing brothers. We ignore the lasting effects of the Opium Wars on all of humankind. We abhor Military intervention, not even a Christian crusade, in spite of the Sharia issue and the Ilorin Jihad. We have no Lawrence of Arabia in the blarney of the Ogbomosho Gaptoothedone. By Jove Ma’am, the natives are restive and we do not want any more internecine wars. This is the Gordian Knot of the Millenium and we need an Alexander, (After whom you were named?) to cut it with his broadsword. Nigeria needs restructuring. It is not Y2Kcompliant.

Thank you ma’am, for lending me an ear. I hope I have not buried the main issue in my ramblings. Us Nigerians are usually more focused in a royal audience. We had hoped to have one during your Royal swing around the West African Coast recently, but you didn’t stop here. I hear there is one of your Junior Ministers for Foreign Affairs is around here somewheres. Does that reflect the level of importance of Nigeria’s problems to your government? This business of combined Monarchy, aristocracy and democracy is so debilitating. Even with the reforms.

Your Royal Highness, Please accept the expression of my highest regard for your person, your husband and third cousin, the inimitable Mr. Corfu, and Centenary Birthday greetings to the dowager Queen, Elizabeth Angela Marguerite-Bowes-Lyon. Not to forget the Khalifa and his charming? Consort? It is the best of times, it is the worst of times…

Count1  # 1 | 06.01.2009 17:45

(I listened to the Queen's New Year speech and remembered this article I wrote some 8 years ago. Poor Charles is 60 and looking most like his poppa. And Madame is not likely to go off anywhere if we go by her mum's longevity. Another 20 years at least by which Charles and Chameleon will be in their 80s.) Your Royal Majesty, Regnant today, Your Royal Highness, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other Realms and Territories, Queen, head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the faith. Queen Elizabeth II, custodian of the British Empire, we hail you. As the sun set on the British Empire, the Twentieth Century and dawns on a New Millenium, we look back on the Empire in the last hundred, nay thousand years and declare, “ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… The story of your British Royal family goes back almost to the beginning of the last millenium. We salute a Royal heritage that traces its lineage back practically a thousand years, to King William I of England, called The Conqueror (1027-87), first French-Norman king of England (1066-87). He came from Normandy in France to defeat King Harold at the battle of Hastings (1066), and took over the English throne in a still unbroken line of succession called the Plantagenets. He is generally regarded as one of the outstanding figures in western European history. Born in Falaise, France, William was the illegitimate son of Robert I, Duke of Normandy, and Arletta, a tanner's daughter, and is therefore sometimes called William the Bastard. The Plantagenet Royal heritage blended with English Regal Flanders. A meeting and mating of the Visigoths and Vandal Vikings, Swedish, Norwegian and Danish Norsemen on the one side, with the earthy and barbaric Grimaldi, Picts, Celts, Romans, Angles, Saxons and Germans Franks. Frankly speaking, a compound mixture. A beginning totally forgotten, yet often replayed. Over the last thousand years, Good Kings and Queens have reigned. Alliances have been made and broken through intermarriage between the more than forty Royal families in Europe. Loyalties changed drastically with dire consequences that read like today’s intrigues. In 1100, King William II died from a stray arrow while hunting. Queen Matilda died from suspected poisoning in 1141. In 1327 excruciating Edward II was disemboweled traditionally with a red-hot poker, so was Edward V in 1486. Henry VI was stabbed fatally in the Tower in 1471, while Queen Jane was beheaded in the same Tower in 1554. Charles II was more innovative, he died of Mercurial poisoning. Charles I changed venue and was beheaded at Whitehall, Windsor in 1649. Odd, that word beheaded…It sounds as if one were given a second head. When your head is removed forcefully, you should be deheaded, I think. English is such a Queen’s, queer, irregular language. Not surprising that it was called vernacular when Latin held sway. Anyway, it gave us the first complete English Bible through William Wycliffe in 1384, long before the King James authorized one in 1611. Thank God for the Bible, Thank God for the English language, Thank God for William Shakespeare). The last hundred years have been the most eventful. Just one Hundred years ago, the British Empire was at its height. The longest lived British monarch (81 Years 243 days), and the longest enthroned (64Years) sat upon the throne. (It is hoped for Prince Charles’ sake Ma’am, that you do not intend to outlast her reign). Victoria Alexandrina, Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Victoria, queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and Empress of India, married her first cousin Albert, and laid a personal example of honesty, patriotism, and devotion to family life. She was a living symbol of the solidity of the British Empire. Her reign encompassed the Crimean and Boer wars, Indian mutiny, emancipation of slavery, its enforcement on the International front, and parliamentary reforms, Irish self-rule, Charlie Peace and Jack the Ripper on the homefront. It was also the era of Sherlock Holmes, master sleuth. The Empire was solid and unshakable, it was thought. Your Majesty, your reign has been marked by vast changes in the lives of your people and in the power and prestige of your nation, unaffected by the “Simple” abdication. From just before your reign began in 1952 and by the early 1980s some 40 former British colonies, protectorates, and mandate territories were granted their independence. The intractable Northern Ireland problem has reached its détente. The Provos no longer need to prove anything, and Orangemen advertise Mirinda in Nigeria. On the British home front, the economic difficulties suffered after World War II have devolved into the British membership of the EU. Throughout this period, your primary role as a symbol of unity and continuity within the Commonwealth of Nations was complemented by the Bulldogged heroism of the British epitomized by Sir Winston Churchill. You gave us the British Commonwealth, which stopped being common ever since the British government instituted extreme and prejudiced immigration laws. Us former colonies feel we’re entitled to some of the largesse that was taken from our shores. It doesn’t matter that you can go a whole day in London and hardly see a real white face. All the shades of yellow and brown, but no white. “The Empire Strikes back!” British Steel tested its mettle and hulls through gunboat diplomacy at the Falkland (Malvinas) Islands and won? A Coal cool Prime Minister, the best. The Royal family has also undergone changes during your reign. The lives of the Royal family became public property due to in-depth press coverage. Princes’ Charles and Andrew, surrounded by accusations of infidelity, divorced their wives in a flurry of international press coverage, Telephoto lenses, tell-all books and scandalous television confessions. Diaphanous Di of blessed memory almost took the Royal family back in a full circle to Egypt, endangering all those centuries of refined in breeding. There are obviously no Earlships or British passports available for the Knightsbridge Constituency. Ah Yes, beggin’ your pardon Ma’am, with six hundred rooms at ol’ Buckingham how did he get lost into your bedroom? Where was incandescent Mr. Corfu? Anyway, they say Caesar’s wife… These unhappy events damaged the reputation of the royal family, and almost brought it into odium as British upper lips lost their stiffness and wagged ceaselessly. Honestly Ma’am, I was moved when I read of your confession of an Ano horribilis. I agree with that imagery. All rear ends are ‘orrible, and it was a bum of a year. Speaking Ma’am of horrible periods of time, I really must come to the point of this Note Verbale. On behalf of myself, my nuclear and extended family, in-laws, members of my ethnic division, the larger group, my region and the peoples of the Federal? Democratic, Military Republic of Nigeria, I bring you greetings from one member of the family to another. You may please recollect Ma’am, that your great grandmother, Queen Victoria had a grandmother Queen Charlotte Sophia, (1744-1818), wife of King George III (1760-1820), that was born of a mulatto African grandfather. His name was Duke Alessandro Medici, first Duke of Florence (were you named for him or for Alexander the Great, Ma’am?). He was the illegitimate son of Cardinal de Medici, who went on to become Pope Clement VII. You can see that we are cousins many times removed. Permanently removed, it seems. I digress. Let me come back to the point. Back in 1914, the British emissary, Lord Frederick John Dealtry Lugard, as Governor of Nigeria achieved an administrative coup in merging the Northern and Southern Protectorates of Nigeria with the Lagos dependency to form the Nation, Nigeria. This ensured that the commercially viable South would continuously fund the unviable North and relieve the British Government of having to pay colossal subventions for the administration of the North. He advised and implemented the policy of Indirect Rule, which only worked well through the feudal northern rulers. As the Nationalist agitation began, lessons from the Boer Wars and the Indian nationalist struggle, put a structure in place to ensure that the Nigerian Independence was only a flag one. The north, through three constitutions before Independence, with utter disregard of the Cardinal principles or equitable partitioning, was established larger than the two other regions put together. With the British in control, Censuses were conducted attributing ridiculously high density figures to Sahara desert and Savannah areas in the north and low density figures in delta, riverside and riverine areas. The polity was permanently destabilized. Military takeover was initially not discouraged, and we have gone through a civil war and brutal military rule. Mediocrity was enthroned with dictatorship in its worst civilian and brutally military forms. There was misrule of the impoverished majority by a few wealthy. Add ethnic jingoism to this mixture, douse it liberally with Religious intolerance and flambé it with poverty-induced crime. Immolation! General Abacha, culmination and embodiment of all that is negative about Northern Nigeria met his Waterloo as Nigerians went to Canossa to find an answer to him and all that he represented. Today, President Obasanjo heads a democratically elected Government. Some say it is being run by the combined Ogboni (ROF?), Freemasons and Odd fellows Lodges, others say God is on the Throne. I go with the latter group. But fairness does not reign yet. 5th columnists abound and the hawks still circle. The injustice, distortions and imbalances in the system still have to be dealt with. Ethnic militancy is on the rise, Nigeria is coming apart at the seams, and we remember the lessons of German revanchism. Many of us would like to sit at a Conference of all Nationalities to ensure fairness all round. As a Sovereign, perhaps you could be the Special Guest of honor, to add the word in the most palliative manner possible. Your Royal Majesty, this is an appeal to your good “offices”. We are not talking Slavery, nor do we not mention reparations or debt forgiveness. We don’t care about Barclays Bank, which was set up by two Slave dealing brothers. We ignore the lasting effects of the Opium Wars on all of humankind. We abhor Military intervention, not even a Christian crusade, in spite of the Sharia issue and the Ilorin Jihad. We have no Lawrence of Arabia in the blarney of the Ogbomosho Gaptoothedone. By Jove Ma’am, the natives are restive and we do not want any more internecine wars. This is the Gordian Knot of the Millenium and we need an Alexander, (After whom you were named?) to cut it with his broadsword. Nigeria needs restructuring. It is not Y2Kcompliant. Thank you ma’am, for lending me an ear. I hope I have not buried the main issue in my ramblings. Us Nigerians are usually more focused in a royal audience. We had hoped to have one during your Royal swing around the West African Coast recently, but you didn’t stop here. I hear there is one of your Junior Ministers for Foreign Affairs is around here somewheres. Does that reflect the level of importance of Nigeria’s problems to your government? This business of combined Monarchy, aristocracy and democracy is so debilitating. Even with the reforms. Your Royal Highness, Please accept the expression of my highest regard for your person, your husband and third cousin, the inimitable Mr. Corfu, and Centenary Birthday greetings to the dowager Queen, Elizabeth Angela Marguerite-Bowes-Lyon. Not to forget the Khalifa and his charming? Consort? It is the best of times, it is the worst of times…

Auspicious  # 2 | 06.01.2009 18:08

--- Wow..a very funny read! So many laugh lines of which I remember: Diaphanous Di of blessed memory almost took the Royal family back in a full circle to Egypt, endangering all those centuries of refined in breeding. KHAI! That was looow, Count. You wan kill Queen? :lol: Seriously though, you read the piece and you wonder: HOW TIME FCUKING FLIES!!! AuspY.

Dimaanu  # 3 | 06.01.2009 21:32

Nice article, Count1. Over the last thousand years, Good Kings and Queens have reigned. Alliances have been made and broken through intermarriage between the more than forty Royal families in Europe. Loyalties changed drastically with dire consequences that read like today’s intrigues. In 1100, King William II died from a stray arrow while hunting. Queen Matilda died from suspected poisoning in 1141. In 1327 excruciating Edward II was disemboweled traditionally with a red-hot poker, so was Edward V in 1486. Henry VI was stabbed fatally in the Tower in 1471, while Queen Jane was beheaded in the same Tower in 1554. Charles II was more innovative, he died of Mercurial poisoning. Charles I changed venue and was beheaded at Whitehall, Windsor in 1649. Odd, that word beheaded…It sounds as if one were given a second head. When your head is removed forcefully, you should be deheaded, I think. English is such a Queen’s, queer, irregular language. Not surprising that it was called vernacular when Latin held sway. Anyway, it gave us the first complete English Bible through William Wycliffe in 1384, long before the King James authorized one in 1611. Thank God for the Bible, Thank God for the English language, Thank God for William Shakespeare). The last hundred years have been the most eventful. Just one Hundred years ago, the British Empire was at its height. The longest lived British monarch (81 Years 243 days), and the longest enthroned (64Years) sat upon the throne. Hmmmm! I couldn't stand History in Secondary School. Probably, if the authors of those History books injected a bit of humor like you did in the above quote.... :D

Count1  # 4 | 07.01.2009 02:53

=Auspicious;309567>--- Wow..a very funny read! So many laugh lines of which I remember: KHAI! That was looow, Count. You wan kill Queen? :lol: Seriously though, you read the piece and you wonder: HOW TIME FCUKING FLIES!!! AuspY. Auspy! :eek::eek::eek:

Ph3y  # 5 | 07.01.2009 08:31

Count1...you're something else o..........I was reeling by the time i finished.

Auspicious  # 6 | 07.01.2009 13:18

=Count1;309671>Auspy! :eek::eek::eek: Abi! Na waa for "refined in-breeding". :D AuspY.

blooming_i  # 7 | 07.01.2009 13:58

And Madame is not likely to go off anywhere if we go by her mum's longevity. Another 20 years at least by which Charles and Chameleon will be in their 80s. True. Considering the number of years (57) she's been on the throne, she could relinquish it to the Heir-Apparent Charles, but I guess that's not what she's ready to do. At least there's the consolation for Charles that, it won't elude his son.

Miliki Way  # 8 | 07.01.2009 14:23

To make the monarchy much more exciting and fascinating, Charles should consider abdicating the throne to William when the queen passes on. Abi wetin una think?

fxo  # 9 | 07.01.2009 18:10

At this rate William will be fifty before his grandmother passes on the crown. His great-grand mother died at 102. Long live the queen, Charles will make a "piss-poor" king. William still as the goodwill cultivated by his iconic mother, going for him. Not sure if its enough to save the monarchy, the reign of a 'King Charles' is sure to bore the people to death, if it ever comes to pass.

Count1  # 10 | 07.01.2009 18:41

=Feyi;309752>Count1...you're something else o..........I was reeling by the time i finished. Feyi, glad you enjoyed it. :D Count 1

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