22 Jul 2006 |
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Hello-o-o-o villagers!
This is one scintillating trip down the memory lane. In fact this tori don happen long b4 most of una step foot on this planet. I just won give una the sha-wa-le-le today. Who wan' hear make ih hear-o. In those days when men were men, this our country weh people now de kick around like football, according to Crispin, did have its fair share of real men-o, yes you heard me right, real men and I am not just talking about local heroes, no, internationally recognized supermen. Forget about Killi Wee and Power Mike them-o, those ones only tried small to salvage the dwindling image of the 9ger man, to no avail. In fact, this tori weh I won tell una today ih happen long before their time. Walahi, if I lie make una just bury me with all my teeth when I die, gabadaya. It was in the year nineteen-tonty-taty, no just ask me-o, na so dem call am-o. That time our people never begin speak oyibo fine fine like una weh just de lick am like okro soup today. Only thing I know be say na long long time ago weh them come organize one kind world championship for New World, na so them de call New York that time. Waitii now, this one no be tori weh them de hurry de tell-o, you know na past memories, so na je-je ni, nwayo-nwayo. Okay, if una say make I tiok, I ko tiok. For that year, nineteen-tonty-taty, them come hold that world championship for New World, them wan’ champion the man weh get the strongest brokosh in the whole wide world. Ha-ha, I know say this one be like the mess weh palm wine taper mess on top of palm tree weh de confuse fly. All this pikin them weh them mama water never dry well-well for them head, una know wetin be brokosh? If I tiok, una go tiok, mgbo, mgbo, mgbo, piapukw’unu isi there! Anyway sha, na ihm candidates from all over the world come land for Carnaby hall for New York that memorable day. Germoni, Italo, Rusho, Americo, Jamo, Indo, Panya, Irano, Iraqo, Ching-chong, with many others, and last but not the least, 9ger! All of them send one, one candidate each to compete for that cup. Just like boxing or football championship every contestant come with him own team of trainer, masseurs and doctor. Even before the show go start, the hall don full nyafu-nyafu, three quarters of the spectators na geges, you sef kuku know say them no go let that kind show pass their back. Na so the stage don come set-o Ah, I nearly forget-o. Na im make I say make una no hurry me. You see I for just forget to tell una the rules of the game. For one corner of the stage one tall golden cup just tanda for table de shine shine. For middle of the stage one middle size bucket full of sand-sand tanda on top of one small table weh them don decorate with fine-fine flower. Spotlight from the ceiling just de shine on top of the bucket and the trophy and if you look well-well you go see the 2,5Kilo weh them write put for the bucket. Now, the rule of the game de simple; to win, a contestant go jack the 2,5kilo bucket with him brokosh and hold am in the air, without hand support, longer than every other contestant. If after two attempts nobody fit lift the bucket then them go apply golden goal rule, that is anybody weh lift am for at least three seconds after the second round, na him carry the cup. Una see say this golden goal rule, no be today them start am-o. In those days when them de travel go oversea them no de fly-o. Na ship and canoe you go ride for six weeks before you go land oyibo country. Our candidate no just take the trip well at all, at all! Him name be Okoro. Since two days weh them land for New York he still de suffer from sea sickness, him no fit chop anything at all, at all. Na im the third day for morning, him medicine man come vex well-well. Him come order the cook make he go prepare the Akpu we them carry come and cook Edika-ikong soup with okporoko and a very special root weh him bring personally from Maidugiri. Our team na all-9gerian dream team-o. Our man na Okoro man, him medicine man na the best Malami from Maidugiri, him trainer na one Ogedemgbe from Ibadan, among him masseurs, Isoko man de, Idoma man de, Ijaw man de, Tivi man sef de and many others. Him cook na Mmong man. Our presy that time, wetin be him name again sef, make una no ask me jare, I don forget, I still be bomboy that time. In any case, him just de kamkpe behind our team. I beg-o, when him alone get seven wives and him de service all of them well-well, how him no go support that kind competition? Anyway sha, him pay all their expenses to and fro, with only one proviso say when them bring the cup come them go just come surrender am on top of him dining table je-je. Them promise the Oga kpata-kpata say them go bring the cup. So as the cook de prepare the Akpu and the Edika-ikong soup with that special root weh Malami bring from home, Ogedemgbe and the masseurs just de give our man special calisthenics and massage with special attention to him brokosh. No-o, make una no just misunderstand this whole thing-o, this is serious business-o, nothing Gay here at all, at all. Malami him own be say, him just de tiger from the kitchen to the massage room, every few seconds him go look him watch. The competition go start at 19,00h, 3pm don nack and our man thing still de jet lag. Him come remember the promise weh them make oga kpata-kpata for 9ger but the man no just nervous at aaall. As him come back to the massage room again, our man don de sweat gan-gan, from head to toe but him brokosh still de one kind, na ihn the malami come call the trainer aside for small talk. Him come tell the trainer say make them take small break so that the Okoro man go eat some thing first. He tell am say when Okoro don chop come relax then that special root, Maganinburantshi go come work well-well. “Walahi talahi if dis em, abinnang, dis em, em nyamiri man chofam Akpuu with Edikaika soup, walahi, him abinnang gwo makam milit-hari takwofer. Apparently, the term military take over has been around longer than we thought, wow! What, Maganinburantashi? Doping, you say? No theme at all. In those days you can imbibe a whole cornucopia of assorted asteroids including smoking Igbo before going into any competition, who cares? Remember, men were still men then. In any case the malami come reassure Ogedemgbe say after Okoro don eat the Edika-ikong finish, if him brokosh no begin to revolt seriously, then they might as well start packing. All this de happen for New York in the year nineteen-tonty-taty. As ih de happen for 9ger camp na so ih de happen for the other camps too, high tension anxiety! 5pm don nack, our man don wack bellefull and relax well-well. True-true, as the masseurs begin massage am again, him bolekaga begin de swell, iiih begin de swell so teeeh the Okoro man sef no come understand wetin de happen. As time come reach to go on stage now, na ihn dem come cover am with him stage robe. The MC begin to welcome and introduce the participants on stage, one after the other, the Germoni man appear, Italo man follow am, Grieko follow them, etc, etc, as them de walk pass, their brokosh just jot out in front of them like that kind rod weh them de take hang hat for wall. The geges in the audience just de giggle like say somebody de tickle them with finger. Them no just fit hold back their derisive giggles until ih come reach the 9ger man turn. As the MC begin say “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Nigerian candidate to the stage, miiiister ooooooookorooooo maaaaaaaduuuuuekweeeee!! Everywhere come fall silent. When Our man begin to approach the stage ih just be like say na wheelbarrow him de push de come under him stage robe. As those white geges come begin understand wetin de under that robe, them begin yell in hysteria and many of them begin de faint, you kuku know how them be now, small thing them don collapse. Another man weh create the same kind sensation na the ching-chong man. Him name be miiiister chaaaaang! Him own sef be like say na stallion de under him robe. Ogedemgbe tell Okoro say make he just stay cool because no be how huge but how strong. Okoro just coolee as him and chang just de eye each other like when Tyson and Holyfield de ready to box the shege out of themselves. You know, as vulture talk say when palaver come reach for barber place him go commot him mouth na so all those oyibo candidates them just begin take French leave through the back door one by one as them see wetin Chang and Okoro carry come. Ih come remain only two of them for stage-o. MC come talk say by alphabetical order na Chang go first try. My brother when the man come remove him robe, absolute big time, nobody could believe his eyes. The man brokosh is simply beyond description. Na plain monster. The thing just tanda like armored tanker barrel. Mean while Okoro and his masseurs de for adjacent cabin according to the rule. When the stewards come carry the bucket of sand-sand come hang am for Chang him thing, the big barrel just bend. Na failed first attempt be that-o. Okoro come commot for stage! My brother if Chang own na monster, Okoro own na mgbamgba. Na so ih just tanda like Biafran Ogbunigwe, chei. The stewards come carry the 2,5kilo bucket hang am for the damned thing. As the MC just count one, the thing just bend. First attempt failed. Them try again, second attempt failed. Na ihm Chang come vex well-well, and begin evoke all the Ching-chong gods of potency. The funny thing be say the man na stammerer. My brother if you hear weh Ching-Chong man de stammer you go run take cover-o, but Okoro just de coolee. Inside cabin as them de wait determinedly for Okoro’s third attempt, malami don gi’am a fresh piece of Maganinburantashi weh he de chew like chewing gum. Suddenly, them hear a big uproar outside, Chang don lift the bucket-o and if the MC count three na ihm be say him don carry the cup-o because na golden goal rule now. Na ihm Okoro just burst out of the cabin like Spanish bull weh see red scarf and before the MC go count three Okoro just jack Chang from him behind and raise am up together with the 2,5kilo bucket. Chang na former sumo wrestler before him come enter for this tornament, so the bobo na real huge guy. Dumfounded, the MC stopped counting. Na the audience come begin count, one! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! before Okoro come drop Chang and the bucket. When them ask Chang for press conference whether him go seek redress because of Okoro’s irregularity, him say no because the way Okoro take lift am together with the bucket show say him strong pass am well-well, but promised to come back better prepared next time. Okoro no fit appear for the press conference because him brokosh still stand like pillar inside his hotel room. Na ihn 9ger come be the first ever champion for the world’s strongest brokosh! That was when men were still men. Years after that victory the Nigerian man was being respected everywhere he goes. Our stocks climbed to all time highs in international markets. When I first hit Europe only a couple of decades ago our Naira was very hard. I exchanged about 1K Naira for nearly 3KDM. Today where has all the glory gone? If you dash oyibo our naira today him go just show you dustbin say make you just go dump am there jeje. In those days oyibo de fear 9ger man pass Ami but now them no de respect us again. For gidi sef go no go. Everybody just wan commot go oyibo country. Uche, if you think you’ve heard it all how about this one. A police guy was escorting this 9ger guy who was refused asylum to the airport for repatriation. All along he has been very cooperative and the policeman had no reason to be suspicious about anything. But just as they passed the last gate the guy lashed out, grabbed the policeman and bit off one of his ears. The man yelled as he saw his ear wriggling on the ground and tried to salvage it but the 9ger guy realizing his folly was faster. He quickly picked up the ear and swallowed it. The policeman fainted when he saw how his ear disappeared in that guy’s mouth. The guy coolly surrendered himself to the police who have come to the rescue of their colleague and told them that the ear they were looking for was in his stomach! They rushed both the injured colleague and him to the hospital. He was immediately operated upon and the ear was retrieved and sewn back to its rightful place. This guy was hospitalized for months as a psychiatric case before being charged to court. When asked by the judge, he said he would rather serve a life sentence here that go back to 9ger. Now tell me what has gone wrong in that country? How can somebody prefer to serve life sentence in oyibo land than go home a free man? Those are some of the questions we ought to be asking ourselves. As for the above stories, just laugh if you can but think if you care, we can achieve a lot if we work as a team and a Nigerian team working cohesively can only be a winning team.
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