15 Aug 2006 |
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This is neither positing for the heck of it nor is it a sententious act of reminding Nigerians about what they already know. No, it is just that it has to be said and it doesn’t matter who says it. I have elected to clean this Augean stable not because of suicidal tendencies but because the mouth that speaks up frees itself from future blames. But unfortunately, a truthful mouth cannot free itself from the consequences of an unheeding ear because when the head is off they both go with it. The tori weh I wan nack una today na long time ago eeh happen for one ikoro-side for Mushin. That time Lagos de under serious siege from the usual gbomo-gbomo wahala. For that time weh I de talk so, no be only pickin them de carry-o. Even private parts no safe at aall. Them say the people get one kind magic weh be say if them just touch-body you, that kind one touch, your brokosh or kongo go just disappear on the spot! Because nobody know who be gbomo-gbomo or not, mutual trust no come de again. If two strangers make mistake come touch-body as them de pass each other, na so them go quick take style feel down-below to make sure say the thing still de there. If in the process anybody just shout say him privo don disappear-o, my brother come see jungle justice. Angry mob go just lynch the suspect on the spot, no police, no court case. Come see how commuters de sofry-sofry de enter municipal bus that time, how bobo them go de defend them tittles with them hands strictly cupped over their zippers, no struggle, no quacking, you sef go de wonder whether na Lagos be this again? Them say them de take the brokosh and kongo and pickin them de make plenty-plenty money! Till today, I still never understand the kind science we them de use de turn human being into currency note-o. Anyway sha, for our area for Mushin that time eeh get one madman weh just be wetin oyibo them de call “public nuisance number one.” The man de create traffic chaos everyday. Every early mo-mo, for rush hour, the man go just commot for middle of the main road, half necked, begin de control traffic. Any car driver weh no obey am, him go just bend down flash am nyash! You sef can imagine how many times this man de flash him dirty nyash to the public every minute. And na every blessed day this de happen, the man no de go holiday and he no de take sick leave at all, at all. Them say the poor man na former traffic police officer before somebody come jazz am-o. In-any-case, na so one day one bad man come plan how him go rid the public of this nuisance. But because him get one kind hidden agenda too, him come schedule the grand scheme for nitetime weh nobody go see wetin happen. People go just wake up the next day come see say the madman don disappear and nobody go ask question since nobody de claim ownership of madmen. Him come go park one old pick-up van behind one unfinished building for one ikoro-side weh bush don grow cover, come take that kind rope weh dem de take de tie malu go hide inside the house. Hmmm, this man baaad! Him plan be say, him go just lure the madman inside the house and then tie am with the malu rope, dump am inside him pick-up then carry am go make quick business for one Ijebu country-side. As time don come reach now, him carry one polythene bag we him full up with sliced bread come go for the place weh the madman de relax for one abandoned roadside carpenter’s shed after a hard day’s job. Him no say na around this time hunger de waya the madman well-well. As him come reach the shed now, him come drop one nicely buttered sandwich on top of the carpenter’s table. The madman just grab the bread one time just grob am down without no waste of time. You sef know how long ago the man don eat that kind clean and buttered bread last. The bad man know say him go wan some more, na’im him come open the bag come show am say na so-so bread na ‘im full the bag. As him come carry the bag de go, the madman begin follow am. As ‘im de go na so ‘im de drop one slice of bread after another behind him at regular intervals and the madman just de pick, de chop, de follow am de go. When them come reach the house now, the madman follow am enter inside. Na im the bad man just carry the whole polythene bag, full of bread, throw-way for one corner. The madman just dive go catch am come sidon for one side begin munch the bread with alacrity. The bad man quickly look outside to make sure nobody de watch them before ‘im come fetch him malu rope. As the madman just take cooleh de munch him bread jeje with that kind, “God dey today-o” attitude, come raise him head na ‘im him come see as the bad man de approach am with malu rope! The man just flash am a friendly set of teeth. At first the madman no just worry because him don come believe say the man na him friend. Even as the bad man come begin tie am rope for one leg, him just de munch him bread jeje, he tie am for the other leg, him just de cooleh, he come connect the rope for him left hand, still no reaction, him just de munch ‘im bread jeje with the other hand. But as the bad man come attempt to connect the remaining hand with the rope, my brother come see madman for action! Like say the madman know say better no fit follow handshake weh don pass elbow-o, na ‘im him just stand up like lightening, fiam. Before the bad man go say Ajegule the madman don overpower am. He snatch the rope from him hand come grip am with him free hand and then begin to undo the rope for the other hand. As the bad man come see say the madman mean business, he come begin struggle to free himself but the madman grip be like vice, na ‘im him come realize say, madness no be weakness and say, even madman get him own sense. When the man come see say tori don change-o, him come begin de struggle desperately. To shout for help now, him no fit because how him go explain wetin him de do for that kind place, for that kind time with madman and malu rope? My brother, na only God weh come save the bad man at last-o, otherwise the mad the madman for tie am up with him own malu rope and who knows wetin him for take am do! As he come manage disentangle himself from the madman, he run forget him rope and polythene bag. Na’im the madman begin laugh without control. Early mo-mo the next day, the madman de for him traffic control position like say nothing happen at all last nite. Only say him come tie the malu rope around him waist, come carry the polythene bag, half full of sliced bread, for one hand. From that day na so him de appear on duty. Some people come de wonder whether him madness don begin go nuclear. But the bad man no just dare show him face for that side of town again because him no say the madman still de watch out for am. Meanwhile, the bread seller weh been take the polythene bag sell the bread to the bad man don come recognize the bag, na so people come take small-small come reconstruct wetin been happen that nite-o. Ha! The moral of this yarn is that, at stake even a seemingly senseless life becomes precious. A hopeless imbecile would defend himself if pushed to the wall but look at us, with all our giftedness, potentials, resources and sheer strength of number, what are we doing while our home is aflame? Every disease that rears up its ugly head holds us to ransom. Colonialism, neo-colonialism, military dictatorship, civilian dictatorship, useless governments and corrupt leaders, all came and are still coming, abused and are still abusing us until they are (never) satisfied. All we do is gather in one forum or the other barking like toothless dogs. Reminds one all too often of one of Fela’s songs, shakara oloje, doesn’t it? Somebody under serious physical challenge from a foe who goes pulling off his tops and undies, threatening his enemy to dare come forward and receive the beating of his life, the enemy comes forward and gives him a slight nudge, he rolls backwards a couple of times and lands five meters away on his ass, then stretches out a warning finger while still breathless on the floor and threatens his antagonist with fire and brimstone when he gets up. How does he expect his foe to respect or take him seriously? When are we going to start fighting back? When are we going to simply say enough is enough and start speaking the language these nincompoops will understand instead of this big, big oyibo and turenchy that’ll never solve our problems? When are we going to take our destiny and those of our children into our own hands? Let me remind anybody who intends to ask me why I have not started doing anything myself about one infamous sergeant Doe of a neighboring West African country. That’s what happens when an Order Rank seizes power in defiance of a plethora of Field Marshals and Generals. With all these Nigerian Ph.D-ies, Dr, Dr.-s and cutting edge technocrats that parade this forum and elsewhere, I am ready to follow an enlightened and effective leadership. Finally, (thank God, you said?), I know say na only when some bobo de deconstruct another or Hausa de deconstruct Igbo or Yoruba de deconstruct Hausa or OBJ de deconstruct 9ja or Atiku de deconstruct OBJ or vice versa or when some guy de ‘deconstruct’ some babe or vice versa inside this forum na ‘im una go de salivate like bull dogs. I am sorry I don’t have any deconstruction exercise for you guys. All I want to say is, with the kind of leaders we’ve had in the past, have at the present and likely to have in the future and their brazen and unconscionable knacks of slipping on banana skins, we better start looking for an effective way out of this chronic dilemma otherwise 2007 could be a year Nigeria might not survive and we would continue to disappoint Africa and all black Race. Don’t blame anybody who wants out of this dystopia. This is not just a jeremiad!
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