It’s always inspiring chatting with my alter ego. In fact he is my favourite interlocutor and we can really confide in each other. We chat about almost everything between the sky and the earth; issues like business, money, health, family, the glees and twinges of relationship and even religion and politics once in a while. Above all, however, whatever we talk about is as surely as always safely cached away between both of us. No third party ever gets wind of our gossips.

   But one of our recent conversations was rather peculiar and I thought it had to be an exception to our tacit rule of privacy. Politics is just not our forte but when once in a while we discuss politics, we see ourselves as observers in a strange amphitheatre in which we are entirely out of place within a host of other spectators who mainly boo and criticise the abysmal performances of the actors on stage, but seldom willing to try their shoes.

   So I was rather baffled when my alter ego suddenly asked me what I would do to change Nigeria if I were the president as we banally discussed some of the articles we read in this forum, This was the first time he ever stepped on my toe over a political issue and I was taken unawares because we never got this personal on political or religious matters.

   I scratched behind my head in bewilderment and mussed over this question awhile. Good question, I thought. “What would I do to change Nigeria if I were the president?” Over tasked, I complained that he was being unfair throwing such a hypothetical question so suddenly at me, but he wouldn’t let me off the hook.

   “I know your opinion about politics, particularly Nigerian-style,” he went on, “and I am not saying that anybody in the world would ever come up with the idea of electing or selecting you as the president of Nigeria, but just pretend for a while that you were the president, what would you do to make a difference?” “Okay, okay,” I acceded, “as long as it stops at pretending I would give it a shot.”

   My opinion about the Nigerian polity, which my alter ego obliquely mentioned above and which I avidly hold on to is that given the execrable condition of that nation no serious thinking and honest individual in his right mind would run the kind of rabid campaigns, throwing in the kind of funds I hear they do, only to get elected into a public office, if he didn’t have a guileful private agenda, that is.

  For one thing, holding a public office in Nigeria is not just an unwieldy adventure, but also a punishment of sorts. It is probably the severest punishment that could be passed on anybody, no matter his crime. Besides, given the degenerate circumstances of that nation I cannot see why anybody would be proud to stand up and say I am the so and so of Nigeria. So what is in it that prompts alleged millionaires and well-to-dos to dump much of their fortune into such an adventure?

   Imagine how painful it sometimes is for an average Nigerian to own up to his nationality let alone a public officer who would invariably stick out like a sour thumb anywhere he goes. So anybody who would voluntarily indulge in the Nigerian politics with the kind of gung ho and profligacy we often witness, in a bid to secure a public office, must be scrutinised through a highly circumspective prism.

   For me, an offer of any such office even on a platter of gold is akin to the prospects of a very ugly, smelling and uncultured man, notorious for drunkenness and woman beating, who goes seeking the hands of a very beautiful and sophisticated woman. Even if the man were reputedly wealthy, he would have to do a lot of wooing and convincing to get the consent of such a classy lady. If she were guileless, she would carefully consider the implications of such a proposal before yielding a feedback.

   She would ask herself some honest questions like, does she really wants to be seen in the public with such a reprobate and could she stand sleeping in the same bed with him for the rest of her life, etc? If the allure of the man’s wealth alone informs her decision, God cannot help her. Her dilemma would be enormous and she would be perpetually ensnared in a quagmire of serious conflict between her body and her mind.                  

   On the other hand, if she were selfless and plucky, her mother instinct could be awakened and she might even start flirting with the idea of changing the man and weaning him off his iniquitous ways, mindless of the fact that many before her had tried and failed. In this inchoate stage her considerations should be highly tentative. If on the contrary she sets off acting like a house on fire her wooer aught to be wary, weren’t he the goon he were. 

   The idea of sending him to a plastic surgeon to smoothen out his ugly face, a psycho-therapist, a hypnotist, an acupuncturist, in fact whatever it takes to wean him off many of his congenital vices, might influence her decision and she might even summon up enough courage, due to her emancipation, to believe she can change this man because, after all, those before her were not as sophisticated as she is. Whichever way, if she has an unbiased and healthy sense of self-esteem, accepting to be married to a man like that must be a difficult decision for her to make.   

   Fortunately, I am spared this dilemma. I only have to pretend to be the president of Nigeria for a while in other to appease my alter ego. “If Nigeria wants someone like me for president,” I said to him, “she would really have a tough job getting my consent. I shall neither campaign nor spend a dime for a job that promises only pain and sacrifice, and I shall accept the job only if I am convinced that I can take the pains and can make the necessary sacrifices to achieve a lasting positive change.”

    “I am still waiting,” said my alter ego, “and don’t forget that you have only the first four years to prove your mettle to the citizens of Nigeria. Tell me what you would you do to change Nigeria positively if you were the president and stop beating about the bush.” “Hmmm, what would I do to change Nigeria if I were the president?” Good question, I thought as I sort the best spot to knife this juggernaut of a proposal. Then I got it! “Here we go buddy,” I said to him, “I am only pretending now, so no holds are barred and I am going to do it entirely my way. Okay?”

   The foremost item in my presidential agenda would be to foster a national reconciliation process. The moment I am sworn in I assume paterfamilias over the one hundred and fifty million people of Nigeria without exception. From this moment on, I would no longer belong to any particular ethnic group, not, Itshekiri, Ijaw, Idoma, Hausa, not Efik, Yoruba, Ogoni, Gwarri, Isoko, Igbo, or watchamacalla. If I have inadvertently omitted your group please add it on, no mischief meant.

   Until my tenure is over I would not belong to any particular ethnic group but I would belong to all and I’ll be sure to appear in the traditional garbs of every Nigerian folk group as the occasion may demand and I shall endeavour to cram up a bit of every Nigerian language, at least the greeting courtesies. Now, is that not a huge sacrifice? Even at that, this gambit would only be an adjunctive and silent connotation to my unification strategy. 

   I shall fire my first salvo with my debut outing, which will be a huge meet the people and reconciliation event; call it the harbinger of a coming national conference if you like. This unique event will be open to all and sundry and will take place in national and states stadiums or similar venues under the full glare of the national and foreign media. 

   It will be a huge national razzmatazz that will go on for at least two weeks from state to state at the expense of my government, with me shuttling from one state to the other. Please don’t start being envious now, remember I’m only pretending. We all know how Nigerians love merriment. I shall take advantage of this unique Nigerian trait to bring them together in a friendly atmosphere and encourage them to voice out their differences, wishes and expectations. You will see the wonders this will work!

   After this we shall hug each other and get down to the serious business of nation building. Since I do not subscribe to the universal compatibility of classical democracy, I shall add a little coloration of African or Nigerian culture to my leadership. A head of an African or Nigerian extended family system that is worth his salt shall always have an ear or two for the complaints and problems of his family members and shall always endeavour to find solutions to their problems.

   To this effect I shall establish public relations offices that are directly connected to my office via special hotlines, open 24/7, in every nook and cranny of the country. Ombudsmen that are directly responsible to me would man these offices. The youth’s corps, especially students in the human and social sciences, would be perfectly suited for deployment in the rural areas for this purpose. Acting as my remote eyes their job would include taking complaints from the citizens and assisting in solving trivial civil grievances fast and equitably.

  However, grievous cases and issues where a citizen needs my personal attention may be channelled to my office where a special department solely responsible for civil complaints would sort them out before forwarding them to me. I shall make a point of addressing the nation on these issues once every month, life, on the national media. If for instance complaints against a public officer are investigated and found to be substantial, I shall publicly pan such an officer and see to it that the law is brought to bear on such an erring public officer through the justice system.

   “So far so good,” said my alter ego, “that sounds like democracy manufactured in Africa. Certainly, a father-figure-president that is embedded in the pulse of the citizenry like this shall go a long way, especially in unifying the people and eradicating distrust and corruption but do you think this will change much, how about security, welfare, food on the table, education, infrastructure?”

  “Well AE, you know I am not in the least interested in the job of the president. I have only hung out my neck this far because you asked me to pretend but I can assure you that I have extremely plausible solutions to issues like, security, welfare, food, education and infrastructure and I know that after my tenure as the president of Nigerian, even America will come to us to rediscover democracy. Meanwhile, I am going to post this discussion at the square so other villagers can offer their ideas too.”

  “You’re what? You want to post this at the square? You can’t do this to me Chi,” he yelled, “this is supposed to be a private discussion.” “Well, you asked for it,” I retorted, “How can you ask me such a sensitive question and expect me to mute on it?” Well villagers over to you. What goes around comes around they say. With a rotating presidency, it could be your turn sooner than you ever imagined. “If you were the president, what would you do to change Nigeria?” You may prefer to be a governor, a minister, a senator, a congressman or just one of my ombudsmen, just pretend!              

Robot  # 1 | 26.08.2006 23:22

It’s always inspiring chatting with my alter ego. In fact he is my favourite inter...Read the full article.