22 Jun 2006 |
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It’s always inspiring chatting with my alter ego. In fact he is my favourite interlocutor and we can really confide in each other. We chat about almost everything between the sky and the earth; issues like business, money, health, family, the glees and twinges of relationship and even religion and politics once in a while. Above all, however, whatever we talk about is as surely as always safely cached away between both of us. No third party ever gets wind of our gossips. But one of our recent conversations was so peculiar I thought it had to be an exception to our tacit rule of privacy. Politics is just not our forte but when once in a while we discuss politics, we see ourselves as observers in a strange amphitheatre in which we are entirely out of place within a host of other spectators who mainly boo and criticise the abysmal performances of the actors on stage, but seldom willing to try their shoes. So I was rather baffled when my alter ego suddenly asked me what I would do to change Nigeria if I were the president as we banally discussed some of the articles we read in this forum, This was the first time he ever stepped on my toe over a political issue and I was taken unawares because we never got this personal on political or religious matters. I scratched behind my head in bewilderment and mussed over this question awhile. What would I do to change I know your opinion about politics, particularly Nigerian-style, he went on, and I am not saying that anybody in the world would ever come up with idea of electing you the president of My opinion about the Nigerian polity, which my alter ego obliquely mentioned above and which I avidly hold on to is that given the execrable condition of that nation no serious thinking and honest individual in his right mind would run the kind of rabid campaigns, throwing in the kind of funds I hear they do only to get elected into a public office if he didn’t have a guileful private agenda. For one thing, holding a public office in a country like Nigeria is not just an unwieldy proposal it is pure punishment. It is probably the severest punishment that could be passed on anybody, no matter his crime. Besides, given the degenerate circumstances of that nation I cannot see why anybody would be proud to stand up and say I am the so and so of Imagine how painful it sometimes is for an average Nigerian to own up to his nationality let alone a public office holder that would invariably stand out like a sour thumb anywhere he goes. So anybody who would voluntarily indulge in the Nigerian politics with the kind of gung ho and profligacy we often witness, in a bid to secure a public office must be scrutinised through a highly circumspective prism. For me, an offer of any such office even on a platter of gold would be akin to the prospects of a very ugly, smelling and uncultured man, notorious for drunkenness and woman beating seeking the hands of a very beautiful and sophisticated woman. Even if the man were reputedly wealthy, he would have to do a lot of wooing and convincing to get the consent of such a classy lady. If that woman does not have a hidden agenda, she would take her time to sleep on the proposals before yielding a feedback. She would ask herself some honest questions like, does she really wants to be seen in the public with a man like that and could she stand sleeping in the same bed with such a reprobate for the rest of her life, etc? If the allure of the man’s wealth alone informs her decision, God cannot help her. Her dilemma would be enormous and she would be perpetually ensnared in a body and mind conflict quagmire. But if she was selfless and plucky enough, her mother instinct could be awakened and she might even start flirting with the idea of helping the sick man, believing she could somehow change him and make him a better man, mindless that many before her had tried and failed. Pure sympathy would drive her considerations at this initial stage. But if she sets off acting like a house on fire her wooer should be suspicious, if he weren’t the goon he is. The idea of sending him to a plastic surgeon to smoothen out his ugly face, a psycho-therapist, a hypnotist, an acupuncturist, in fact whatever it takes to wean him off many of his congenital vices, might influence her decision making process and she might even convoke enough courage to believe she can change this man because, after all, those before her were not as sophisticated as she is. Whichever way, if she has a healthy sense of pride and self-preservation it must be difficult decision for her to make. Fortunately, I am spared this dilemma. I only have to pretend to be the president for a while to appease my alter ego. If I am still waiting, said my alter ego, and don’t forget that you have only the first four years to prove your mettle to the citizens of Here we go buddy, I said to him, I am only pretending now, so no holds are barred and I am going to do it entirely my way. Okay? The first and foremost item on my presidential agenda would be to foster a national reconciliation process. The moment I am sworn in I assume paterfamilias over the one hundred and fifty million people of Until my tenure is over I will not belong to any particular ethnic group but at the same time I will belong to all and I’ll be sure to appear in the traditional garbs of every Nigerian folk group as the occasion may demand and I will endeavour to cram up a bit of every Nigerian language, at least the greeting courtesies. Now, is that not a huge sacrifice? Even at that, this gambit would remain but a silent and adjunctive connotation to my unification strategy. My first salvo shall be fired with my debut outing, which will be a huge meet the people and reconciliation event; call it a harbinger of a coming national conference if you like. Unlike the national conference, which will be open only to delegates, this unique event will be open to all and sundry and will take place in national and states stadiums or similar venues under the full glare of national and authorised foreign media. It will be a huge national razzmatazz that will go on for at least two weeks, from state to state at the expense of my government, with me shuttling from one state to the other to meet the people. Please don’t start being envious now, remember I’m only pretending. We both know how Nigerians love merriment. I shall take advantage of this unique Nigerian trait to bring them together in a friendly atmosphere and encourage them to voice out their differences, wishes and expectations. You will see the wonders this will work! After this we shall hug each other and get down to the serious business of nation building. Since I do not subscribe to the universal compatibility of classic democracy, I shall add a little coloration of African or Nigerian culture to my leadership. A head of an African or Nigerian family system that is worth his salt should always have an ear or two for the complaints and problems of his family members and must always endeavour to find solutions to their problems. I shall establish public relations offices that are directly connected to my office via special hotlines, open 24/7, in every nook and cranny of the country. Ombudsmen that are directly responsible to me would man these offices. The youth’s corps, especially students in the human and social sciences, would be perfectly suited for deployment in the rural areas for this purpose. Acting as my remote eyes their job would include taking complaints from the citizens and assisting the police in solving trivial civil grievances fast and equitably. However, grievous cases like politically related matters, corrupt practices by public officers and such issues where a citizen needs my attention because he or she is not getting a fair deal from the responsible quarters may be channelled directly to my office where a department solely responsible for civil complaints would sort them out and forward them to me. Once every month I shall address the nation on these issues life on the national media. If for instance complaints against a public officer are investigated and found to be substantial, I shall publicly pan such an officer and make sure that the law court administers justice. So far so good, said my alter ego, that sounds like democracy manufactured in Well AE, I said to him, you know I am not in the least interested in the job of the president. I have only hung out my neck this far because you asked me to pretend but I can assure you that I have extremely plausible and tenable solutions to issues like you mentioned above and that after I have been at the helm of Nigerian affairs for only one term US will come to study democracy in 9ger. Meanwhile, I am going to post this discussion in the village square so other villagers can offer their ideas too. What, you want to post this at the village square, he yelled, you can’t do this to me Chi, this is supposed to be a private discussion. You asked for it my friend, I retorted, how can you throw such a sensitive question at me and expect me to mute on it? Well villagers over to you. What goes around comes around they say. With a rotating presidency, it could be your turn sooner than you ever imagined. “If you were the president, what would you do to change
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