20

Jul

2008

Yo, Deadbeat Dad! PDF Print E-mail
By chichi layor
20 July 2008

Yo, Deadbeat Dad!
Chichi Layor


Also by Chichi:Musical Chairs at the Nigeria High Commission, London

Do you know any deadbeat dads? Chances are, you know at least one. And if you don’t, well, maybe your life has been a little – dare I say it – sheltered. For the record, deadbeat dads can be found in every continent.

So who is a deadbeat dad and how does he differ from regular dads? I’m glad you asked.

A deadbeat dad is simply a dad who disappears from the family scene. Let me clarify that. I don’t mean the dad who has disappeared involuntarily and may no longer be alive. No, deadbeat dads disappear intentionally and live, even thrive – they just choose not to be involved in their children’s lives.

In the beginning, the deadbeat dad is part of a family unit. He may or may not be married to the mother of his child(ren), but they all live together. Not happily ever after - remember this is real life, not a fairy tale or a romantic comedy.

And one day the couple split up. There are different reasons why this happens. Sometimes the man has been abusive and the woman decides she can’t take it anymore (this happened with two deadbeat dads I know).

Whatever the reason for the break-up of the couple’s relationship, the man does a runner. He runs away from his children and he doesn’t have to pay for their maintenance - at least not in Nigeria. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong – but I’m interested only in facts, not malicious attacks.

Anyway, back to the runaway dad. He may dislike, even resent, his ex and he may want nothing more to do with her. In fact he may hate her so much he can’t bear to live with her anymore. That’s been known to happen.

But here’s the thing. He can end the relationship with his ex for any number of reasons. But he can’t divorce his children. He has responsibilities towards them which he should carry out, regardless of how he feels about their mother. Both parents, not just the one that’s left with the kids, are responsible in every way -- financial, emotional, moral and legal -- for the children they bring into the world.

It’s when a relationship breaks down that you can separate the men from the boys. Or, more to the point, you can distinguish deadbeat dads from responsible fathers. The latter recognize that their responsibility to their children doesn’t end when couples separate or divorce.

Deadbeat dads, however, seem to think they can abandon their children when the parents’ relationship has disintegrated. These fathers simply disappear from their kids’ lives. Sometimes they start new families and pretend the old ones never existed.

I don’t understand how these men can turn their backs on children they fathered and still sleep at night. Yes, some mothers also abandon their children (there are deadbeat mums out there too, but thankfully, they are in the minority). But the “resident parent” is usually the mother and the disappearing parent is you know who.

What goes on in the deadbeat dad’s mind when he abandons his children? Does he relegate his children to the distant past, believing he won’t miss them? Or does he simply opt out of parenting while expecting to rebuild the relationship with his children later when it suits him?

I don’t pretend to know the answers to these questions even though I know a few deadbeat dads. I must say I don’t know them well enough to interview them. If you have talked to a deadbeat dad and you’d like to put forward his side of the story, feel free. And even if you haven’t, you’re welcome to share your views anyway.

Now that I’ve given you my definition of the deadbeat dad, may I ask one thing? If you are a parent yourself, and your relationship with your significant other ends, please don’t turn your back on your children. Don’t become a deadbeat dad (or mum).

- Chichi Layor


Chichi Layor's first collection, BREAK EVERY RULE, was published in 1989, and her poems have subsequently appeared in various magazines and journals in Nigeria and the United States. In addition to writing poetry, she has written a weekly column for a national newspaper in Nigeria. She currently lives in London where she works in the field of human rights.

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RobotRobot is offline

 # 1 | 20.07.2008 23:51

Yo,
Deadbeat Dad!
Chichi Layor
Also by Chichi:...Read the full article.

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RhemamanRhemaman is offline

 # 2 | 21.07.2008 07:37

Interesting article i must say.
But i'm more interested in deadbeat mothers.
I have an uncle. He was married to a lady for over 12years. They had 3 children at that point in time. He My uncle was not the best of husbands, so his wife decided she had had enough, and moved out of the house in Lagos to somewhere in eastern Nigerian. She just had a set of twins, before she moved out, and she took the twins with her. Less than 1 year down the line, she came back to my uncle's house with the twins, stayed a few days and then disappeared, leaving the twins behind. So the man was now saddled with 5 children. His (ex) wife never contacted him nor the children to date. All this happened in the early '90s. The children are all grown up, the twins should be in their late teens, the first child (a girl) is a married. Those kids are scarred for life. You see it in their behavoiur and words.
Last we heard, the woman had remarried and has around 5 kids! What do you to such a person? I think it would have been better if she had dropped dead.

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AngelAbbyAngelAbby is offline

 # 3 | 21.07.2008 14:10

I agree with you and I can never understand why a woman will voluntarily leave their child(ren). It’s unfortunate that some parent will neglect their kids for some guy/woman that may or may not be there for life. Every parent must know that once you have a child, you become a package. If a guy/girl cannot take you with your kids, then they need to keep stepping. That being said, I’m also aware of a Woman that had a daughter with her ex husband and because Nigeria was/is a country for Men and the rich (she was neither), she was not allowed to take the child with her. About a year after, the Man sent the girl to another country and now this girl has been away from her mum/Nigeria for about 15yrs and she doesn’t know anything about her Mum and they Dad is not willing to offer any assistance. I also know of a man who has been away from his Mum for years, he was also sent abroad by the Dad. Few years ago, he was re introduced to his Mum and now he has to go through an interpreter to speak with his mum.
As a Parent, you just have to do whatever is best for your kids. Understand that any relationship can come and go but the love of a Child is forever. I can’t imagine my husband or myself leaving my Son; I’ll rather die.

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DewdropsDewdrops is online

 # 4 | 21.07.2008 18:04


=Robot;4295072837>Yo,
Deadbeat Dad!
Chichi Layor
Also by Chichi:...Read the full article.




Another version of polygamy! Or serial monogamy!:D This woman try gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan to leave her children with this man to run off with another to breed more kids! I guess she is trying to prove that what a man can do, a woman can do even better. God forbid bad thing I say. After having 5 kids for one man, she runs off to have 5 more with another man? What a breeding machine. I hope she does not contract AIDS one of these days. Because this looks like a "self hating" behaviour. God forbid bad thing I say!

Tufiakwa!






http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy


Forms of polygamy
Polygamy exists in three specific forms, including polygyny (one man having multiple wives), polyandry (one woman having multiple husbands), or group marriage (some combination of polygyny and polyandry). Historically, all three practices have been found, but polygyny is by far the most common in the world. Confusion arises when the broad term "polygamy" is used when a narrower definition is really meant.

Polygyny
Polygyny is the situation in which one man is either married to or involved in sexual relationships with a number of different women at one time. This is the most common form of polygamy. Polygyny is practiced in a traditional sense in many Middle East and African cultures and countries today, including South Africa and most of Southern and Central Africa and the Caribbean. It appears more often in highly patriarchical societies. This is the "polygamy" once practiced by Mormons and practiced today by their fundamentalist offshoots.

Polyandry
Polyandry is a practice where a woman is married to more than one man at the same time. Fraternal polyandry was traditionally practiced among nomadic Tibetans in Nepal and parts of China, in which two or more brothers share the same wife, with her having equal sexual access to them. Polyandry is believed to be more likely in societies with scarce environmental resources, as it is believed to limit human population growth and enhance child survival. A woman can only have so many children in her lifetime, no matter how many husbands she has. On the other hand, a child with many "fathers", all of whom provide resources, is more likely to survive. (In contrast, the number of children would be increased if polygyny were practiced, and a man had more than one wife. These wives could be simultaneously pregnant).<2> It is a rare form of marriage that exists not only among poor families, but also within the elite.<3>


Group marriage
Group marriage, or circle marriage, may exist in a number of forms, such as where more than one man and more than one woman form a single family unit, and all members of the marriage share parental responsibility for any children arising from the marriage. Another possible arrangement not thought to exist in reality (on the social level), although occurring in science fiction (notably in Robert Heinlein'sThe Moon Is a Harsh Mistress), is the long-lived line marriage, in which deceased or departing spouses in the group are continually replaced by others, so that family property never becomes dispersed through inheritance.


Bigamy
Bigamy is the act or condition of a person marrying another person while still being lawfully married to a third person. Bigamy is a crime in most western countries. For example, in the United States, because of the contract a married person makes upon becoming married, that person is obliged not to marry again as long as the first marriage continues; stipulations of the marriage license applying.


Trigamy
In seventeenth to nineteenth century England, trigamy referred to someone who had three spouses at the same time.

The term is typically used for comic reference. An example is the limerick by William Cosmo Monkhouse about a man from the town of Lyme in Dorset, England.

There was an old fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at one time.
When asked, 'Why the third?'
He replied, 'One’s absurd,
and bigamy, sir, is a crime.'
From the modern legal perspective, trigamy is viewed as two counts of bigamy.


Serial monogamy
Main article: Serial monogamy
The phrase serial monogamy has been used to describe the lifestyle of persons who have repeatedly married and divorced multiple partners.




Benefits of polygamy
Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist, in his book, Plural Marriage for our Time, proposes polygamy as a solution to some of the ills of the American society at large. He argues that plural marriage may serve as a potential alternative for divorce in many cases in order to obviate the damaging impact of divorce on many children. He maintains that many divorces are caused by the rampant extramarital affairs in the American society. According to Kilbride, ending an extramarital affair in a polygamous marriage, rather than in a divorce, is better for the children, "Children would be better served if family augmentation rather than only separation and dissolution were seen as options." Moreover, he suggests that other groups will also benefit from plural marriage such as: elderly women who face a chronic shortage of men.



I HOPE THIS DUDE STUDIED THE POLYGAMOUS SET UP IN AFRICA BEFORE ADVOCATING THIS? BETTER FOR THE CHILDREN INDEED! MORE CHILDREN TO MOLEST AND PRATICE PEDIPHILIA ON I GUESS.

Interesting! Some benefits of polygamy I say! Thank God for sex shops I say! Who wants to deal with all these?:D I would rather sit on my bed by myself than go through all these kinds of nonsense breeding kids all over the place. Only to come and catch one incurable disease from one or more dudes all in the name of "catching man"!

God forbid bad thing I say!

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CaeserCaeser is offline

 # 5 | 21.07.2008 22:43

After the creation of Adam, he was very happy in the garden till woman came along . Then his happiness turned into tears and sorrow. WOMAN= WOE UNTO MAN!
It is better to leave your children and do a runner to save your life than to sit back and die of high blood pressure because you are trying to play happy family with a useless woman! When the kids grow up they will look for their natural father. Most women of this generation were not created to live with men. They are very selfish, manipulative, greedy,insatiable,nagging, jealous, wicked, pretentious, violent, unpredictable, dubious, vindictive, morally bankrupt, gross, slimy and extremely vain. (I hope I am not sounding like Osuji here) 80% of women should be banished to some remote island and let out only to have babies and to satisfy the sexual needs of men. These women should only be allowed to rejoin civil society from the age of 65!
It is that bad! My opinion!

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10Kobo10Kobo is offline

 # 6 | 22.07.2008 21:30


=Caeser;4295073286>After the creation of Adam, he was very happy in the garden till woman came along . Then his happiness turned into tears and sorrow. WOMAN= WOE UNTO MAN!...
.... Most women of this generation were not created to live with men.



I think you deserve the article's author for a wife:D:D. Go read her contribution to the "Blackmen abandon their children thing" or the any thread that affirms man's position in the family and you will understand my point :D:D:D

I think you should say "some women of this generation"........most will go to the extreme, to live under a man !:cool:
10Kobo
 

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