20 Jul 2008 |
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Yo,
Deadbeat Dad! Also by Chichi:Musical Chairs at the Nigeria High Commission, London Do you know any deadbeat dads? Chances are, you know at least one. And if you don’t, well, maybe your life has been a little – dare I say it – sheltered. For the record, deadbeat dads can be found in every continent. So who is a deadbeat dad and how does he differ from regular dads? I’m glad you asked. A deadbeat dad is simply a dad who disappears from the family scene. Let me clarify that. I don’t mean the dad who has disappeared involuntarily and may no longer be alive. No, deadbeat dads disappear intentionally and live, even thrive – they just choose not to be involved in their children’s lives. In the beginning, the deadbeat dad is part of a family unit. He may or may not be married to the mother of his child(ren), but they all live together. Not happily ever after - remember this is real life, not a fairy tale or a romantic comedy. And one day the couple split up. There are different reasons why this happens. Sometimes the man has been abusive and the woman decides she can’t take it anymore (this happened with two deadbeat dads I know). Whatever the reason for the break-up of the couple’s relationship, the man does a runner. He runs away from his children and he doesn’t have to pay for their maintenance - at least not in Nigeria. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong – but I’m interested only in facts, not malicious attacks. Anyway, back to the runaway dad. He may dislike, even resent, his ex and he may want nothing more to do with her. In fact he may hate her so much he can’t bear to live with her anymore. That’s been known to happen. But here’s the thing. He can end the relationship with his ex for any number of reasons. But he can’t divorce his children. He has responsibilities towards them which he should carry out, regardless of how he feels about their mother. Both parents, not just the one that’s left with the kids, are responsible in every way -- financial, emotional, moral and legal -- for the children they bring into the world. It’s when a relationship breaks down that you can separate the men from the boys. Or, more to the point, you can distinguish deadbeat dads from responsible fathers. The latter recognize that their responsibility to their children doesn’t end when couples separate or divorce. Deadbeat dads, however, seem to think they can abandon their children when the parents’ relationship has disintegrated. These fathers simply disappear from their kids’ lives. Sometimes they start new families and pretend the old ones never existed. I don’t understand how these men can turn their backs on children they fathered and still sleep at night. Yes, some mothers also abandon their children (there are deadbeat mums out there too, but thankfully, they are in the minority). But the “resident parent” is usually the mother and the disappearing parent is you know who. What goes on in the deadbeat dad’s mind when he abandons his children? Does he relegate his children to the distant past, believing he won’t miss them? Or does he simply opt out of parenting while expecting to rebuild the relationship with his children later when it suits him? I don’t pretend to know the answers to these questions even though I know a few deadbeat dads. I must say I don’t know them well enough to interview them. If you have talked to a deadbeat dad and you’d like to put forward his side of the story, feel free. And even if you haven’t, you’re welcome to share your views anyway. Now that I’ve given you my definition of the deadbeat dad, may I ask one thing? If you are a parent yourself, and your relationship with your significant other ends, please don’t turn your back on your children. Don’t become a deadbeat dad (or mum). - Chichi Layor Chichi Layor's first collection, BREAK EVERY RULE, was published in 1989, and her poems have subsequently appeared in various magazines and journals in Nigeria and the United States. In addition to writing poetry, she has written a weekly column for a national newspaper in Nigeria. She currently lives in London where she works in the field of human rights.
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