The diversity of the Nigerian society is not only to be seen in terms of cultural or ethnic diversity or but also in family units. Millions of families around the world have one similar challenge – and that is that they don’t quite fit into the traditionally accepted family model, which consists of father, mother and children or husband, wife and children. 

While the value of a traditional family as a social unit cannot be overemphasized, it is also vital that its predominance in the public arena and official policy is not at the expense of the individuals who inhabit it. 

The concept of diversity of families could mean different things to different people, which can range from positive perception to discomfort. The concept of one parent family is very irritating to die hard traditionalists but this is the reality for many Nigerian women. As a Christian myself, I believe in families made up of husband, wife and children however, the reality of our time proves that situations may change. Traditional family set-ups can become single parent ones due to unforeseen circumstances like divorce, death of a husband or wife or even the geographical separation of spouses. Because of the constant changes in society and their effects on its members, the definition of a family must be flexible in line with the remits of the family and not its constitution. 

For children, what is important is stability, security and stress free relationships. People especially children living within one parent families must be treated with recognition and respect. Nobody decides where he/she is born or to whom he/she is born. If we could choose our parents and places of our birth, who would not opt for the best? This is precisely why Jumi’s friend in a previous article in this square did everything to get married only to discover that her hubby could be someone else’s hubby as well. What is wrong with us as a society? Please spare me the preaching about morals and values. Why should any woman endure a bad marriage because of what society would say? A friend told me recently that a Nigerian woman was murdered recently in Minnesota, USA by her Nigerian husband and as at last week, they were still making arrangements to fly the corpse back home to Nigeria. The couple had 2 children aged 2 and 4.

James Connolly, an Irish leader once described the family as a place where the strongest and most able look after the needs of the weakest and most vulnerable members as if those were the stronger person’s own”. The child and his/her rights should be the first priority in any family, be it traditional or one parent. Family is about commitment, sacrifice, caring for others without financial reward, putting other’s needs above our own and supporting each other through difficult times. These are values, which must be cherished wherever they find expression. 

He went further to say “We should thus enthusiastically recognise family-based commitment and the support that family members give each other wherever it is encountered. We ought, in particular, applaud rather than denigrate those who make personal sacrifices to rear their children, especially where they do so as lone parents. We ought to encourage and facilitate non-custodial parents who take an active part in the rearing of their children”. 

In the past, the Nigerian society was very harsh to mothers whenever marriages broke down. Fathers could send mothers packing and seize the children from the relationship. In societies that are very patriarchal, this is what happens – women have no rights even to their children. I want to believe that this situation has now improved in Nigeria.

A constitution that recognises only the family based on marriage, consigns the growing number of alternative family forms to a legal no-man’s land. In legislation too, the rights and obligations conferred on married persons are largely unavailable to families not based on marriage. 

In Ireland the law recognises cohabiting families for tax purposes, etc. While I am not sure what the Nigerian law says in this regard, I think it will be important for us as a society to recognise family diversity and accord single mothers the respect they deserve. Before some people crucify me, I am aware that we have single fathers as well but our society does not frown at this as such. The single mum is always the wayward one. 

Let us remember that the best interests of the child should be our primary consideration in all of our actions and decisions affecting children.  

The responsibility for gaining societal respect and recognition for family diversity and those who inhabit them rests with all of us, society.

Robot  # 1 | 23.08.2008 21:11

The diversity of the Nigerian society is not only to be seen in terms of cultural or ethnic div...Read the full article.

Dewdrops  # 2 | 24.08.2008 00:20

=Robot;4295087766>The diversity of the Nigerian society is not only to be seen in terms of cultural or ethnic div...Read the full article. Let us remember that the best interests of the child should be our primary consideration in all of our actions and decisions affecting children. The responsibility for gaining societal respect and recognition for family diversity and those who inhabit them rests with all of us, society. Nice read. I repeat, I would rather be a happy single mother than a miserable married mother. The children would be okay if all played their respective parts to make them feel secure and safe in themselves being from non-nuclear families. Frankly, it is my observation that the children of the some "nuclear" families are worse off than others due to one reason or another. Hey! To each his or her own!

Caeser  # 3 | 24.08.2008 01:55

The most important yardstick for judging the success of any man or woman is their domestic stability ie of their marriages. Every child/ children deserve the presence of their parents as a couple while they are growing up. It is an undeniable right! Parents living in the western world these days, through their selfishness and utter irresponsibility routinely offer up the interests of their children on the altar modernity supported by the host governments. This is wicked and wrong! It is an assault on the psyche and sensibilities of the helpless children of these unions who are never asked for their opinions in these breakups or breakdowns. In most cases the women are the culprits. They come to the west and immediately try to assume the anti-family negativities of their host cultures-and oftentimes end up worse than their hosts. Police authorities recently released data showing that Africans-though in the minority- in their given communities call the Police on the average ten times more than their host communities! In most cases the reasons for these calls are faked,contrived and without substance-just to show power and for the nuisance value. They start claiming all sorts of rights and privileges totally detrimental to the interests of the family union and claim persecution when the man of the house tries to bring sanity into his home. The houses the women hope to inherit, the money from social welfare that is paid to them and their children, the maintenance paid by their estranged spouses, the new found freedom to sleep around etc have been said to be pointers to the cause of these breakups. Nigerian women who find themselves abroad should stop attempting to redefine the concept of the family unit comprising parents and children-living together. Citing domestic violence in America will not win sympathy for anyone. While the men who kill their wives could be said to have gone to the extreme, it should also be noted that these women mostimes provoke their men into it and that men are also the victims too. 'Lying eyes' and the Mulhall sisters-and mother in Ireland are a case in point. A Yoruba friend of mine has a saying I am fond of. The translation is to the effect that ''You do not have to start eating a plate of food before you realise it would not suffice, merely looking at it should tell you if it will be enough''. If you cannot stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen! Do not go into marriage if you cant stand the pressures inherent therein. Do not bring children into the world if you will not bring them up in a proper family unit! The irony of the stupidity of Nigerian women in the west is that after breaking up their families and claiming they have no need for men, they end up sleeping around and seeking succour in hands of other men-mostly married ones. Thus breaking up their homes and that of other people. What these irresponsible women fail to realise is that even though they try to take advantage of the system to perpetrate untold misery on their estranged husbands they will end up losing out in the long run. While a 70yr old man can easily take on a new teenage wife, his children from previous marriages notwithstanding, it will be easier for a pregnant camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a divorced woman-with children-to remarry! They will end up perpetually warming the beds of different men who con them into believing marriage is in the horizon. Is that the kind of life they want their children to grow up witnessing????????????????? Different men strolling in and out of their lives? Do not be surprised if the children end up like their mothers!

philipikita  # 4 | 24.08.2008 06:55

=Caeser;4295087812>The most important yardstick for judging the success of any man or woman is their domestic stability ie of their marriages. Every child/ children deserve the presence of their parents as a couple while they are growing up. It is an undeniable right! Parents living in the western world these days, through their selfishness and utter irresponsibility routinely offer up the interests of their children on the altar modernity supported by the host governments. This is wicked and wrong! It is an assault on the psyche and sensibilities of the helpless children of these unions who are never asked for their opinions in these breakups or breakdowns... ...What these irresponsible women fail to realise is that even though they try to take advantage of the system to perpetrate untold misery on their estranged husbands they will end up losing out in the long run. While a 70yr old man can easily take on a new teenage wife, his children from previous marriages notwithstanding, it will be easier for a pregnant camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a divorced woman-with children-to remarry! They will end up perpetually warming the beds of different men who con them into believing marriage is in the horizon. Is that the kind of life they want their children to grow up witnessing????????????????? Different men strolling in and out of their lives? Do not be surprised if the children end up like their mothers! Caeser! You have analyzed the dilemmas of "westernized" Nigerian women very well. But your last paragraph smacks so much of male chauvinism.:eek::eek: Even adding that "the children end up like their mothers". On the contrary, as far as I know, single mothers (widows, divorcees or never-married) work harder than their men counterparts to care for the children. _________________________ _________________________ =Dewdrops;4295087801>Nice read. ...Frankly, it is my observation that the children of the some "nuclear" families are worse off than others due to one reason or another.... Yes. Children of some polygamous and single parent homes are better off.:neutral::neutral:

denker  # 5 | 24.08.2008 06:59

''You do not have to start eating a plate of food before you realise it would not suffice, merely looking at it should tell you if it will be enough'' ..na lie, try to eat with inbetween consumption of sufficient water...you go see how quick your belli full....lol!

allaccess  # 6 | 24.08.2008 07:56

Ma’am, “The diversity of the Nigerian society is not only to be seen in terms of cultural or ethnic diversity or but also in family units. Millions of families around the world have one similar challenge – and that is that they don’t quite fit into the traditionally accepted family model, which consists of father, mother and children or husband, wife and children” And where and how was this indices compiled? Where is the evidence on this sweeping statement? Are you drawing on your Irish experience to compile this? If so then the way and manner many Nigerian families are made up based on Paper-children does not exactly equate to those of Nigerians in America for example. “For children, what is important is stability, security and stress free relationships. People especially children living within one parent families must be treated with recognition and respect” And who says they are not, are we to believe they are treated with less respect because you assume so? “Why should any woman endure a bad marriage because of what society would say?” why do you think it is only a woman that endures a bad marriage? Did you ever stop to reverse the coin? You quoted an Irish man’s opinion on children; did it ever occur to you that the Irish have some of the most dysfunctional family unit in the western world? For a 4 million population country, they have one of the worst cases of child sex abuse, paedophilia, alcohol abuse, family violence and separations in the EU. I agree with you that “Let us remember that the best interests of the child should be our primary consideration in all of our actions and decisions affecting children” But please and please don’t always let these articles vilify men and men only as if they are the only causes of family breakdown. You seem to centre all you energy on the victim woman, over and over again. A writer must look beyond these stereotypes. Thanks ma’am

valteena  # 7 | 24.08.2008 09:12

=denker;4295087858>..na lie, try to eat with inbetween consumption of sufficient water...you go see how quick your belli full....lol! =denker;4295087858>..na lie, try to eat with inbetween consumption of sufficient water...you go see how quick your belli full....lol! Denker Denker I beg no let me burst a vein with laughter :D :D :D. You're too much o with your short staccato replies. On a serious note though it riles me when people generalises about people or things like children of single parents are this... or children of married couples are that... One cap never fits everyone. I believe there are as many discplined, principled and upright single mother living decent lifestyle and even father as there are disciplined, principled and upright married couples living decently. Also there are as many dysfunctional single parents as there are married ones too. Obviously their offspring will be a product of their values and way of life with dysfunctional ones raising dysfunctional kids and vice versa.

datuouwadaberechi  # 8 | 24.08.2008 12:47

thanks valteena for your comments @allaccess am surprised u think that men were villified in the article. i didnt see it that way. @author. thanks for raising important issues. @ceaser (!!) Nigerian women who find themselves abroad should stop attempting to redefine the concept of the family unit comprising parents and children-living together. Citing domestic violence in America will not win sympathy for anyone. While the men who kill their wives could be said to have gone to the extreme, it should also be noted that these women mostimes provoke their men into it do u actually believe this?? :confused1:cry:

M. Akosa  # 9 | 24.08.2008 13:38

The more I hear things, I now seem to clearly understand that the only thing many Nigerian men seem to perceive as their biggest achievement or purpose on earth is to “marry” a woman and also without any guilt or remorse continue with their promiscuous/polygamous ways, as their so called “wife” will always turn her eyes away from a philandering husband, who did her a favour by marrying her, fathering her children. The “wife” will always be held to ransome and be threatened with the nightmares of life as a single mother, while she endures drudgery and hard work without support, recognition, or worst of all humiliation of sharing her husband with several other women, constant exposure to diseases, fear of malicious witchcraft and other diabolical means desperate women resort to in polygamous family arrangements. What a hopeless and disgusting life experience!!! Please my dear brothers and sisters let us not forget that one of us has now left two young children motherless, with a biological father who I am sure will eternally rot away in US jail. The good news is that by the grace of God, given those children’s citizenship, their portion and fate will never be the same as their mother’s. My prayers is that they will be empowered, bold, and assertive enough to call a spade a spade, to do away with bad marriage if the need be, live a fulfilling life, have an opportunity to follow their dreams, live well into old age, being able to make mistakes, and yet remain alive to learn from it, without a looser or a severe nut case like their biological father snuffing life out of them.

Rose  # 10 | 24.08.2008 14:42

=M. Akosa;4295087942>The more I hear things, I now seem to clearly understand that the only thing many Nigerian men seem to perceive as their biggest achievement or purpose on earth is to “marry” a woman and also without any guilt or remorse continue with their promiscuous/polygamous ways, as their so called “wife” will always turn her eyes away from a philandering husband, who did her a favour by marrying her, fathering her children. The “wife” will always be held to ransome and be threatened with the nightmares of life as a single mother, while she endures drudgery and hard work without support, recognition, or worst of all humiliation of sharing her husband with several other women, constant exposure to diseases, fear of malicious witchcraft and other diabolical means desperate women resort to in polygamous family arrangements. What a hopeless and disgusting life experience!!! I feel the same about AA men and have come to believe they seek to drive us to a place where we will accept anything to have/keep one of them in our lives.

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