31 Aug 2008 |
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Misi and My Impending Empty Nest OK, so I was feeling really yucky yesterday as I have for the last few weeks….. So yucky that I have paused in my next “Misty Blues—An Experience in the Making”, just to cry out… Where do I go? Yeah, right here…..only to my family, right here on NVS……my home away from home. Sometimes, I just wonder……could this be the same man who agrees that education is not confined to a classroom, and would spend lots of money for a summer program at Cambridge or the South of Spain in a heartbeat? The same man who has tried to make up for lost time with his daughter by buying lavish gifts until I had to firmly stop him from doing so? The same man who cares very little about the cost of a tennis program for only five days at an unspeakable amount? Don’t mind him jubilating and being congratulated over the scholarships; or our local newspaper clippings of her personal success; or even community volunteer activities at the homeless shelter, underprivileged schools, or any place help can be rendered, all, in my opinion, a residual of good early preparation preceded by the Grace of God. All of a sudden, public school was good enough, not that it isn’t. In our case, we had decided that this alternative approach was best considering our busy lives. As a professional and a partner in his business, he’s frequently away overseas when he’s not busy with God’s work. And my work takes me out of town quite a bit as well. Fortunately, this school is a boarding school with extended library hours, a full service cafeteria, and teachers on the school grounds…..just like we knew growing up in Nigeria. It was safe(r) we had agreed. So, now I’m supposed to withdraw her from her stable and promising academic environment just because of a scary wilderness experience? This guy must be kidding! Of course, I’m not doing anything of the sort. …Ishhhh! Hence, my real worries…… A double edged sword if you ask me. I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t. As difficult as this relationship has been, I have been careful in my deliberations with him. I have carefully said yes to his decisions, although not without dropping my suggestions here and there… Many times, he re-considers and goes along with me. You know, I understand him like that. I give him his due respect, and bite my tongue a lot. Sometimes, he makes it really difficult. Seriously, this is one of the challenges or biggest catastrophe in broken homes in my humble experience. Compromises and civility are required always, if not for us, for the children’s sake. I suppose I can look at the brighter side and accept that the empty nest may resolve some of the issues…… Hmmm….but, am I really ready for this empty nest? Who is fooling who now? ------------------------ As it is, this child has plans to move far away from home.  She potentially has a tentative scholarship at Princeton with a preliminary SAT of 1750 and an ACT of 24. Although, impressive enough by my standards, this child says she’s retaking it. She claims many of her peers in her “group” have 1800 and above; some going to Switzerland, Harvard, Yale, Howard, Hopkins etc. Contradicting herself, she states that she can’t endure the pressure at those schools. Her choices are not stress free either. She’s interested in attending the University of Virginia, Columbia or NYU. To her, she must have at least 1900 on the SAT to get there, and at this point no other schools will do. Where did I go wrong or did I go wrong? They say be careful what you pray for, I tell you. I suspected that she would be alright when at every Christmas, while many other children asked for toys and gadgets, she persistently asked for books. I have never complained about buying the books, I just encouraged borrowing the same books from the library for free. That’s why we pay taxes. As it is now, she has exhausted all the fine libraries in our neighborhood and the next. These days, she begs to be dropped off at Borders Books. As I write, she’s exhausted Borders; and to her, Barnes & Noble in a more culturally diverse neighborhood is the best place to lounge. She loves her AFRO and defiantly wears her “Save Darfur” t-shirts, or sometimes, “hope/change” or something in line with that concept. She replaces them only when they fade. She wants to read about all powerful women and men. She reads about courageous people, especially women. She reads about Africa and Nigeria. She describes Okonkwo in “Things Fall Apart” as if she was there. Oh, she loves Nigeria, although, she constantly tells me of the daily disasters in “her” country. I have to tell you about her debate with an eleven year old Nigerian boy, Dadani, at our house the other day, sometime soon. Talk about some really awesome single dads out there. Yes, Dadani is an unbelievable product of irreconcilable differences. In short, he’s just a genius….already in the making. His dad, Olu, has raised him all by himself, sacrificing, since Dadani was barely two months old. Olu is an engineer too. Juggling the demands of his career with single parenthood deserves a chapter of my time, soon. Think our children aren’t affected by all the shenanigans in Nigeria? Think again! We are going to have to fix our country together, all of us…. She had been excited to spend her first year of High school in my beloved country…Nigeria. She cherishes our XMAS vacations there. You can usually find her reading to children or helping them at some form of art or the other right there inside our house. You might find her, with her cousins in tow, in the midst of young college students teaching them current American dance moves… You just might run into her at Silverbird Cinema or somewhere around there. She loves Suya…. I mean, I really can’t tell you how much it warms my heart that she loves Nigeria. I have encouraged application to the UC schools but she is resistant. I think she’s just trying to get away from home. And, that’s ok. I believe she is ready and will do well wherever she goes, God willing. So, this 3 week sojourn in the wilderness commenced yesterday afternoon…. She actually left the school with her group this morning. For the first in a long time, I did not go to work two days ago. I’d planned to spend the whole day with her. I had played mommy cooking her favorite Ugwu/Egusi soup with orishirishi plus fresh white bass and Amala. For where? This pickin begged until I dropped her off at Borders, that’s after her Math Tutor had picked her up from Barnes & Noble where I had dropped her off before going to the dealership two days ago. She had said she wanted to buy a small Bible and a book entitled “Power Play”. I have not read it but she says it’s supposed to be very inspiring, something to accompany her when she is alone, she had said. She is old enough to read what she wants now. One thing I have to emphasize to parents out there is to read to their children a lot. I cannot remember how many times I read Bambi as she would insist until she fell asleep. She was barely 2 at the time. Anyways…I digress. This wild adventure allows no phones, no parent contact (except for postcards), nothing!! I have never been without any control of her whereabouts. I’m not, well, maybe I am scared, a little. I know she is a gift just like all our children, and to go, they must, when they are good and ready…. I dropped her off at school yesterday afternoon as required. While I was still trying to find a valid reason to end this trip before it started, and feign a bold good-bye kiss…. A classmate called out her name. She grabbed her disposable bag of tricks from my trunk so fast I thought my car was contaminated, bolted quickly towards one of her friends, stopped momentarily to run her hands through his brown hair as she ran excitedly towards another bosom buddy waiting under the oak tree…… I sat in my car for a minute while I allowed the tears to freely run down my face… I marveled at her. There she goes…in search of her own life… Her challenging spirit all her own…. Her character continuously unfolding… A Nigerian no doubt. Indeed, an African-American.…but really, a true citizen of the world in every sense of it. Yes, I am proud as her mother, and she is the reason I endure and sacrifice. Thank you my God and Savior…Keep watch over her I began to pray. “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want” (excerpt from Psalm 23)…and then, “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust” (excerpt from Psalm 91)…… my throat was tight and burning as I fought the tears and continued to pray, driving hesitantly through the busy traffic all the way back to my office….. Once again, I’m hopelessly lonesome. What am I going to do? I’m really in a mess…… And what will I do when she goes to college?? I feel like I’m losing my mind…. We’ve come a very long way… My nest is going to be empty very soon unless I do something... Drastic measures for drastic changes they say… My thoughts are racy….. Hmmmm…OK, I have exhaled, and I’m going to read my bible right now…. I write about my life with all the good and yes, the challenging. It’s a great catharsis even for me who counsels others all the time. But I’m only human. I need ears too. I need a sympathetic ear. I need unbiased and…biased ears.  Oh, one more….. I went home all morose yesterday evening. My clogs clicked harder and louder than usual I thought… It was that defining silence again. I summoned courage and went to bed. I must have finally fallen asleep at about 2 am. My eyes popped open at 04:45 am. The students are driving out at 05:30 am today. I never thought I’d have to be up that early for anything except in dire emergency at these wee hours of the morning. But for an opportunity to hug her, check for new mosquito bites, scratches…whatever, just one more hug, enough to last 3 whole weeks….heck yeah! I scrambled up, brushed my teeth, placed a jacket over my jammies, and shot out of the house like a bullet. It was a serious move at the time…. Reassured, I was pleasantly surprised to find so many other parents already there….. Those kids are really good… I confidently say that because I know most of them. I have met their parents. They are good people. What better way is there to show encouragement and boost morale? You should have seen us in tears….Many of us are parents of only one child. You could see the fear…the anxiety…the hope…the pride, and most of all the deep love of a parent(s) for a child. Love is such a universal phenomenon!! What an opportunity to experience it all over again, amongst a diverse crowd of almost every nation and creed in the whole wide world! What a privilege…. I finally left for my car…think I left? I sat there, boo-hoo-hoo-ing big time… And didn’t leave until I could hardly see the dim rear lights of the huge yellow bus with the proud and bold inscription “The Xxxxx School”, leaving the campus at a slow and careful speed down the winding streets of this part of the world… Thank you for your time….and for your eyes and your ears but most of all your heart…. I cherish each and every one of you...always. Thank you. “Misi and My Impending Empty Nest”……….A Pensive Adaptation from The Chronicles of My Misty Blues.
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Truly, I’ve only started feeling better since this morning as encouraged by other parents and certainly, an NVS friend who had called to check up on me… 
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I didn’t find that very funny o, hmmm….well, she is an only child for both of us, at least for now. As a religious fanatic as even he has agreed, the school is on a less than godly mountain, he had claimed. When I knew he wasn’t forthcoming (I believe he didn’t want to be responsible for any mishap which I denounce and bind in Jesus name, AMEN), I started to pray really hard. As always, He (God) didn’t fail me. He has said “Ask and it shall be given unto you”. Some friends even suggested I try a parochial school….but knowing what I know now, I believe this current school is the best decision “we” could have made. 
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